Here are a few things:
1. Sudah lama tidak online YM. Tiada nafsu berbuat demikian.
2. I have been wondering.... saya ni cakap berbelit ke sampai orang kena tafsir double meaning di sebalik apa yang saya cakapkan itu?
I SERIOUSLY hate to berkias. Nak berkias pun tak reti, anyway, I also hate orang berkias. Macamlah I get it. I treat sentences literally, except when I'm joking of course, but it is rare that if I am annoyed or angry or disapproving of something that I use kiasan to express those feelings. Even if I am in a situation where I can't let those emotions out straight up, it will definitely show on my face, yes, but I'd rather SHUT UP than berkias.
I find it frustrating, and at certain times offensive when I type something or I text something, I am clearly not angry or upset or anything, or maybe because I unintentionally worded the thing like I sound as if I'm angry, they end up asking me, "are you pissed? are you being sarcastic with me?" Sometimes, when I type something, I have never even thought of such a thing that these people accuse me of trying to say. How can they understand the sentence differently than I meant it to be?
I don't know whether it's because of the wording of my sentneces, or is it due to the general perception that women like to berkias, but harrrrhhhhh...you know how it feels being misunderstood? It's that unnecessary strain in a relationship, be it with friends, family or otherwise.
You don't have to read between the lines with me. I mean every sentences like it is. Okay, maybe sometimes I do say things that I think people want to hear in certain cases, and I omit certain things to 'bend' the truth a bit, yeah, everybody has little white lies, but it depends on how often they use it. I am not a liar, even if I did lie, it's never convincing enough, so why try in the first place? I always end up telling the truth or owning up sooner or later because I felt bad getting away with it, and having to keep living that lie. Sometimes, I get caught red-handed, I might be in denial at first, but eventually, I do own up, and I try to take my punishments like a man. Berani buat, berani tanggunglah.
Still, I keep wondering if I said the wrong thing or something. Different people perceive things differently. Those who know me know what I'm like. I HATE being accused of being something that I'm not. It happens a lot to me. Maybe what they said might be true, which is why I always do self-reflection after what is being said. I ask people am I really that ____ ? Some of them might just say it just to bring me down, while at other times, there might be some truth to it and perhaps maybe I am that annoying b**** that people say I am and I must change. I know, sometimes when people give me advice, I might seem like I'm in denial, and they don't bother advising me because they're afraid I'd shoot them down or something. Yes, I have that arrogance sometimes, but usually, it takes time for me to actually see their point, and I actually do at the end of the day, and I'm cool with it. The reason why I can't accept it the first time around is either because I'm so self-absorbed in beating myself up, or feeling that I was right, or that I was stubburn and still enveloped in a fit of rage. Once I come to my senses, all is fine. The rage is gone.
So now, I am asking you. Am I all that hard to figure out? Do I actually berkias without me actually realising it? As far as I know, I don't think I did. I don't think I mean to berkias. Oh, and does berkias = sindir ? I am sarcastic and I do sindir sometimes (most of it meant as a joke, never to offend a person, even if I am not on good terms with that person), but I don't berkias to get my way or to manipulate people.
I am actually quite straightforward, well, there are times I don't give a straight answer, but that's because either I am evading it, or I really am not sure what to answer, but I don't berkias. That's kind of rare. Most of the time that happens is when I'm not sure of my feelings about someone. Sue me, I'm a heartbreaker. But when I say something like, "I remembered 'something, something' " something really random, I really meant it.Weird random things always pop up in my head at times, especially all those trivia and almanac facts. Even if it's not weird random things, it could be something that I've been thinking a lot about, or there were dreams that bothered me, and I mean it like it is. I was just telling you that I thought of those things. I don't use those things to get at you, or insinuate that I want something from you. That's so damn low in my opinion. Manipulative! I friggin' HATE people like that. Using other people to get their way.
I hate it when there's unnecessary misunderstanding, it leads to preconceived suspicions and all that crap that puts a strain on a relationship. Well, sometimes I'm afraid to explain myself just in case if things get worse and people misintepret what I say and it gets worse than it already is. That's why sometimes, I put off saying these things to you, it's not that I don't want to tell you how I feel, I really feel like saying it. I really feel like saying directly that I'm upset, but yeah, I'm afraid you'd take it the wrong way. But I know I have to do myself justice eventually. People judge. Some say that it's a pathetic attempt to save myself that I always need to explain myself. I am not playing the martyr here. The thing is, I don't want to be the typical people that people perceive other people. Yes, who doesnt want to do themselves justice if they feel that they are right? Discussions might resolve the problem, other than just let it hang and pretend nothing's happen. That sentiment will still be there, and it'll be like a cancer. It gets worse. Who knows, with that dicussion not only will you reconcile but you actually learn new things about yourself, and you actually know what to improve on. I try to be honest, and I hope that you'll be honest with me too, no matter how ugly it might get. It's better being honest than let the cancer slowly kill you.
If you're really bengang with me, just tell me that you're bengang although I might cry and get all defensive, but at the end of the day, it'll always come down to thinking about why you're bengang with me in the first place? Is there anything I can do fix it? Let's say you're bengang and then you shut up about it because you don't want me to get upset, yes, you're trying to jaga perasaan and all that s***, but then, it'll never get resolved if you do that. If I don't know that you're bengang, how will I know what you're bengang with me about? How do I resolve whatever problem that you're bengang with me? Okay, maybe I expressed myself better in writing, I might want to say this to you upfront, but maybe it came out differently and you misunderstood, again! But what I'm writing here, I really mean it, I didn't susun my ayat and choose words to make it effective. There is no tips and tricks behind all this, but maybe when I write, I actually thought things over more carefully and rationally than when I'm speaking. Sometimes my mouth and emotions get the better of me.
Another thing is I hate being a hipocrite. I don't pretend to be nice when I actually hate you. I usually just avoid people I hate. If I were to cooperate with those people that I'm not on good terms with, okay fine, no prob, I try keep it as professional as possible. I don't suck it up to them and pretend being nice, whereas somewhere in my head I'd so much like to get back at that person. Being nice to fix the relationship is okay, to me that's an honest effort to patch things up, but some people don't actually want to patch things up, they're more interested to get back at you, and they pretend to be nice, then backstabs you. All that "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" bulls***.
*sigh* there's so many kinds of people in the world, and we have to live it.
-oh, at the end of the day, even if I try to write in Malay to express myself, I always end up using English. not bragging, okay.oh, just in case you're wondering. I sound angry in this post, yes, I am angry, but not to the point of stark raving mad, just a regular kind of geram that you feel when you read about child molestations in the paper, not the kind of angry that you feel when your sister is the one being molested.I hope you get me.damn, berbelit.(oh this is sindir.*with a realisation-just hit me face* hahahahha..this is damn funny, I am too muchlah.)-
PEACE OUT, People. =)