tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-73627782024-03-07T00:13:16.244-05:00TransienceNanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.comBlogger468125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-81408720291240965802018-03-22T15:47:00.001-04:002018-03-22T15:47:13.589-04:00shotfeather-light breath<br />
nape-tracing<br />
anticipating<br />
velvet-soft lips<br />
slight brush<br />
teasing<br />
gentle warmth<br />
body duvet<br />
embracing<br />
cautious contact<br />
skin meets skin<br />
titillating<br />
intoxication impending<br />
touch, electrifying<br />
a little death,<br />
breathe.Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-36459304994574379752017-11-28T07:29:00.001-05:002017-11-28T07:29:46.320-05:00RevivedHallo Leute,<br />
<br />
I haven't been on this blog for ages! More than a year perhaps? My last post was in 2016. I thought I'd have given up on blogging, but recently Twitter switched to 280 characters limit and I have been making full use of it, then I thought to myself, if I wanted to write verbosely, I could have just blogged about it right. I could use Facebook too, I guess, but recently, I'm not too into Facebook, and I think no one much really comes by my blog, so, I guess, my blog is the best place. 2016 was a roller coaster and 2017 is a continuation of that and there's only about a month left in 2017, and I'm probably in the most stressful stage of my Master's and it will continue soon up to early next year. Idk I've not been enjoying this journey so far. Everything I feared back in 2014 came back to haunt me. I had always been so sure of myself from a young age wanting to go into academia and when I'm actually here with it staring it in my face, I'm starting to doubt if I'm really cut out for it after all. I mean Idk when I stopped being passionate and when it started becoming a chore and I can't seem to get out of it. At one point I just realized that I have no idea what I want to do in academia and I don't care about it. And having to state your interests when applying for grad school or looking for supervisors make me nervous if they find out that I don't really care much about the research, I'm just doing it to finish my degree. In undergrad it was easy because it was compulsory anyway. "Just getting through it" was a no-brainer. It's not the same in grad school. Working was also a no-brainer pretty much, you do it for the salary and then in your free time you can indulge. Idk I've been thinking hard about what interests me or what I'm passionate about and I got nothing. I got nothing since 2014 and it makes me feel so dead. Sometimes I feel like hey maybe I could get into this, and not long after it quickly becomes a drag. Trying to keep my hopes up thinking hey maybe this is my calling, maybe I'll finally be happy with this always ends up with me being disappointed with myself. I always think that I shouldn't think so hard and just be happy with whatever I have, try to make the most of it, think more positively, but I don't feel anything. It just feels like a drag and I get scared of being found out that I don't care. I don't know what happened to me. I used to care now, I feel like a husk. I just want to live and die. I feel like I don't have any desire, save for sexual desires, and I just need to "get through things", and I can't stop being self-critical to the point where it's affecting my ability to do work. I've been trying to get psychological help, the last time I went idk why I ended up putting up a front and looking like I'm ok and they let me off saying I don't really need it cuz I'm not at the point of being clinically depressed yet. I don't want to be assessed as being clinically depressed but I've not been myself for a long time. Years. And sometimes I wish I had some kind of drug that would just numb my thoughts so that I stop thinking self-defeating thoughts. Sometimes I read the stuff I post on fb and my blog from 2013, even up to 2014, I could still be positive about life, I don't know what happened to me that I became this way. I know I felt a void in me even in those years, but I could still somewhat, live with it. 2015 was different though. I think there was something inherently wrong when I couldn't feel any satisfaction and pride with my work, and it's still eating me to today. And from then on, I feel like things keep going downhill for me and the void gets bigger and bigger. I don't know what it is or why. Doing work used to keep my mind of the emptiness I feel, but even now work can't distract me. I started playing games, but sometimes now even playing games doesn't help, the thoughts still seep through and I become irritable and I could no longer get a temporary high from my games. It feels like any sense of reprieve is being taken away bit by bit until I'm left with nothing but dread; unable to step back and reassess the situation, and I'm really scared of deteriorating further. I need a break.Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-15203649639119090952016-03-14T07:59:00.005-04:002016-03-14T12:23:28.986-04:00Fade outI just realized I haven't had a 2016 post. I haven't been on blogger lately cuz well, I haven't written any full pieces because well, my thoughts are not coherent for the past half a year, and I've generally been busy with life. I also pretty much spew everything on Facebook and then feel bad afterwards but when I actually have the space for long extended posts on my blog, I just can't write jack shit. Today I feel like writing for some reason, but it's pretty much gonna be freestyle and a mishmash of different things. The first thought that comes to my mind when I decided to write this is how I wish I stop wanting things, would that not make my life a lot more peaceful? Maybe not wanting things leave you with no drive or motivation, so there must be some balance some where, but if wanting things make me so unhappy when I don't get them, is the solution to just not want anything at all? I want things but I don't put in the effort, and it's not gonna work. I wonder if I'm just lazy and expect instant gratification or I am just dispassionate and disinterested from the beginning. The reason this thought came about is because over the years, and especially lately, I suppose, is that, I am very envious of my friends who are in a different field, yet, I myself, have not made that leap, although I did make the leap to not take up an engineering job despite having an engineering degree, but it is not a too far leap yet, because I still find myself wistfully yearning for the life my other peers have. Especially those actively involved with activism and the philosophy scene. I did try to check it out, but I feel like my lack of freedom of movement makes it hard for me to constantly join them, additionally, it does involve participating in social events, and my current job leaves me with little time to participate, let alone even have time for myself to do my own things, and to add to that, I am not as passionate about reading as I was back when I was younger. I want things, but I do not act to pursue them. I want somebody else's life is the problem. I love my current job, I enjoy what I do and I think the company is decent, it's just that I wish in my free time, I could do things other people can, or idk, had the time they have, or have the energy and freedom and friends they have to do those things. It is strange, because usually my friends in that field often find their next move for their career vague, but it draws me because of the vagueness, there is a canvas for your imagination and it can spontaneously morph into anything, which is odd, because I was from an engineering background and pretty much people who do engineering degrees willingly at least have an idea that they will go into an engineering job, do things and move up a position, etc. It caught me by surprise because the other day a colleague of mine asked me what ideas I have for my career, in my head, I really have no plans, I just want to keep doing things until either I got bored, or I figure something out. Which is really out of character because I rigorously plan out all my schedules in my undergraduate. Following the conversation we were also talking about Type A versus Type B. I know I have a Type A personality, evident throughout high school and university and it explains why I am high strung, but right now I really wanted to be Type B and am acting the part, except, I am still neurotic and high strung, but I find myself less actively pursuing anything. I wonder if it's laziness, lack of vision, lack of motivation, or because I really didn't want anything, or am I just zen in that sense. Yet, in my day-to-day life outside work, I am very unhappy and unsatisfied with my life, mostly, due to my environment. Sometimes, I can't even explain it to myself why am I unhappy, let alone to have other people understand it. I thought to myself why am I so unhappy, why can't I be happy or consciously choose to be happy, and how can I make myself happy. At least, you know, make it bearable for myself. I know what I want the most is to go back to Canada, possibly working, and living on my own, doing my own things in my free time, but why can't I placate myself with this reality that I'm not going back there anytime soon, or at least try to make it back to Canada? I don't understand my own lack of motivation, yet strongly wanting things. It is the same, I suppose, in pretty much every aspect of my life, especially when it comes to companionship as well, I don't understand how I can want something but then I don't commit to it, and it just goes away, comes back again but because of my inability to commit to my own desires, I just brush it off. I guess also, with my state of mind like this, I often wonder to myself if I really have any affection or feelings to offer, what if it all merely stems from my own anxiety or loneliness? That it is not real, there is no self-less compassionate component, but rather, was borne of my own selfish desires to feed my own insecurities? I decided for myself that it was not fair to pursue such fleeting emotions so I just let that be. Sometimes the loneliness aches, but I would rather not act on it, because I am uncertain of my own self. <b>I tell myself to not want things or persons, because yearning is painful</b>. Regardless if I put in the effort or not, and acquiring them does not necessarily mean that I will be happy, even though not having it causes unhappiness. I try not to think of such things but such thoughts usually come to me in the night just before bed when I am too tired to do anything. The only time my mind doesn't wander there is when I play games or when I do work. That is when I am happy, at least in that moment. Then it all goes back to the question, am I unhappy simply because I cannot get things that I want, and if so, then, is not wanting things the way to be happy? Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-27349357604750754072016-03-14T07:30:00.001-04:002016-03-14T07:30:16.405-04:00CharityI just realized I haven't been here a while. So today I was buyin' Dominoes pizza and this guy followed me from Maybank. I saw him outside Maybank and he came into Dominoes after me. Basically his story is he gotta pay for medical expenses cuz he got beat up and lost his money, I could see his black eye, and he was trynna get money from sellin' some printouts with some kalimah for 20 ringgit, of course he asked me first if I was muslim. In my mind, I would like to tell him I wasn't, because, well, that's kind of the easiest way I brush off people who ask me if I had religious beliefs. So, after he told me his story, I would have just you know brushed him off as I usually do to hecklers, and who knows how legit is his story, I've had too many experiences being duped, he said he really needed it cuz he was hungry, so I just offered to buy him a pizza, that's usually my SOP when it came to people like this back in Canada (if they weren't legit, they'd refuse ask you for your money anyway), but to my surprise he allowed me to buy him a meal. So, I was like, ok. I've had way more nasty experience compared to positive experiences with, let's just bluntly call them beggars, so I'm naturally skeptical and not charitable, and I generally have a cynical view of humanity. I'm not saying I'm less cynical after this experience, but it suddenly occurred to me if I were in that position, God forbid should something happen to me, do I have the guts to go up to random people and pray for their kindness to help me, especially with my very cynical view of people? Idk I'm just generally not a "nice" person who actively gives to charity because I feel like I'm a charity case too sometimes, and well, people will always take advantage of each other, so I find it hard to trust people. It just occurred to me, in a very real sense, what if that happened to me, and if I were to approach myself in that situation I know I wouldn't believe my story and I would have said no to giving myself help. so, in a way, it's not a clear cut line of what is the right thing to do or if a person is legit or not. you will never know. Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-52433961951436767512015-10-24T06:26:00.001-04:002015-10-24T06:26:11.794-04:00Blurbs That Open a New FB TabI feel like going into interviews in Malaysia, a Canadian degree is quite eye-catching because not a lot of people are sent there. Biomedical engineering although not as numerous, but thanks to UM, it is a pretty popular degree. I am glad, very, very glad McMaster tacked on Electrical to the Biomedical Engineering degree. It opens up a lot more options here to also apply for electrical engineering jobs, since jobs that are explicitly Biomedical Engineering is non-existent, or at least, reserved for people with postgraduate degrees.
One thing I realized about engineering jobs is that it's quite diverse. You either go into a specialized position that works in one team and working directly with the technology or you're more of a bridge between different teams and take on a more leadership role because you'd already have technicians who take on the main role of implementing the technology. In the latter, it requires a big picture view as compared to the details, although knowing the technology is important, but this knowledge is also married to some economic knowledge in resource management and cost analysis to optimize output. So, I suppose, an engineer really isn't a one-trick blue collar pony that some people think they are, and it also means that the more important skills is really the communication and project management skills rather than the technical skills. Although in more specialized jobs, then the technical skills would take center stage because you're directly implementing the technology. If you're capable of juggling different types of subjects and projects in school, which is really how engineering degrees are structured, as compared to say, medicine, then, those skills pretty much help gear you for an engineering job, not so much the content of the course or the exams. Since you forget the content anyway, and when you get the job they will train you anyway.
Now, does this open up the possibility if non-engineering degree holders could get an engineering job if they had the multifaceted skill set that is characteristic of the "big picture" engineering job? Well, generally, that doesn't happen because to some degree having a little bit of technical background is important. Technical subjects require a different mode of thinking as compared to the social sciences and even science. It is evident even in the language used in the research papers produced for engineering journals as compared to science or medicine journals. The focus is different and the details they emphasize, the way the data is interpreted (if any) is different. Some of these details are irrelevant to an engineer and if one is not trained technically, these details can be missed. Even in universities, engineers are allowed to take non-engineering complementary electives, but the converse is not true for non-engineering degree holders, at the most, they could get a computer science elective.
So, yeah, after finishing 4 years of an engineering degree I realized I never really knew what engineers really were. It isn't just the hardhats and steel-toed boots, although some engineers do wear this getup.Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-88184937788205727232015-10-24T06:14:00.002-04:002015-10-24T06:16:53.370-04:00dialecticsLife gets harder as you grow older. Decisions aren't clear cut. There are repercussions for any which way you decide. You just choose to be sad or happy about it and try to count your blessings and try to live with either one of your decisions.
I was scared of failing, but I was more scared if I succeeded. Sometimes when I went for interviews I just thought to myself, I'm going to try, but I hope my effort wasn't good enough and there's always someone out there way better than me, because I was scared of what happens after. I don't know how I'd deal with it. I'd be overwhelmed. I'd have to be committed to the new reality, whereas if I failed, I'd retain the status quo. Nothing gained, nothing changed. I could go on doing "what if" scenarios in my head without actually living it and face consequences. That was how, I thought, I could live multiple realities at once. Maybe that was why I kept sabotaging myself. When I finally let go, and just tell myself to fuck it all and just go into the interview as is. It's when I think I'm finally myself. and it's surprising how the interviews went so much better. I don't come out of it feeling like I messed up or regretted saying things.
But it had to come anyway, when I will have to learn to come to grips with reality. That was the next step. Following my heart isn't my best suit. I was always a person who went with well-reasoned decisions because the risk was calculated. I don't exactly play it safe like most people, but at the same time, I am a person who would spend hours convincing myself that the best decisions are made based on facts and what I feel is secondary. I put those cold hard facts first and I'd sacrifice emotions. And I'd go with it and try to meld my feelings to fit the decision so that it wouldn't be a problem anymore. That's how I suppose I got through engineering. It may not be as esoteric as philosophy or literature, but it'll get me jobs, I'd learn different things, I'd learn to like it. It's funny that this time around my logic followed my heart instead of the facts that lay before me. They were really reasonable considerations but I cannot shake off the fact that I don't really want it. I do, for the prestige and convenience, but somehow I cannot argue in favor of it. It did not make sense. It did not appeal to my logic. I did not enjoy the exam-like prodding they do during the interviews. I did not enjoy the thought that it made me feel self-conscious about not learning anything substantial during my final year project. Well, it's just procedure to gauge my knowledge, but it made me realize I didn't enjoy it. I did not like the thought of being lost in the sea of other human cogs in a big machine. This other option felt like a clean slate.
Either options I'd picked I'll always wonder if I could fall back on it in the future. That I could live both someday. Who knows, the future isn't written. I may or may not have the same chance again, because circumstances would be different based on things that are out of my control. well, consolation is, as I go along in life I'll remember this decision, maybe when I have made harder ones in the future, I can laugh this one off. it's an interesting dilemma not a lot of people have the privilege to mull over. I've always wanted a non-conventional career, well, this is the start of it. maybe it's time to embrace the unknown. I was always haunted with thoughts about anxieties of building a career. I need a good first job that will launch my next job and such. that's how I've always been in school or in undergrad. undergrad especially. I have to plan my schedule very well for me to do well. I will take this course because it's useful. Well, I have to stop thinking of that. not that it's not useful, I'd like to think of that as being strategic, but it makes me inflexible and anxious. maybe trying something different and unorthodox will help me deal with my anxiety. and force me to think of other ways to live my life instead of following what's expected of me when I play a certain role. I'm not going to live the perfect life. I want to live a fulfilling life. I took that leap of faith.last week I was so stressed. actually since last weekend. well, I've been stressed since forever, but last week was a stress unlike any other. I don't think either way I'll fully be satisfied. so it's kind of like Robert Frost's poem, The Road Not Taken. You convince yourself you'd taken the untrodden path but at the end of the day, it's about the same. It doesn't matter which one I took. I will end up being whoever I am to be. and then after countless hours drowning my sorrow playing games. I am okay.Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-40986148063294267572015-10-01T12:19:00.004-04:002015-10-01T13:11:15.845-04:00Missing Canada<div style="margin-bottom: 6px;">
<div style="font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;">
Gentle, lightly falling snow from pallid skies</div>
<div style="font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;">
Frozen lakes, lonely trees on an all too familiar trail</div>
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A photograph of beautiful transience</div>
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Warm chocolate streams and pillow-soft waffles</div>
<div style="font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;">
And banal conversations over coffee</div>
<span style="font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;">Dying rays of light through the window pane </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;">As we watch the orange change to amber change to black</span></span></div>
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The quiet, understated things that touches hearts and memories cherish. I would like to call that love.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
-12.13 am, Oct 2nd 2015, K.L.<br />
<br /></div>
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Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-23768398517056829692015-09-19T06:40:00.000-04:002015-09-19T06:40:07.686-04:00Follow Up<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">I don't even know where to start. Which thread of thoughts do I want to
pursue first. Well, it's more than two months after my homecoming. A lot has
happened and several Facebook status updates has passed regarding my latest
preoccupations, ranging from re-accustoming myself to local culture and
geography to socio-political and religious commentary.<br />
<br />
The first month was pretty much all the Ramadan and Raya festivities. I'd only
started looking for jobs in August and it has continued to present. I've been
so busy going in and out of interviews, applying here and there. I'd even put
my otaku-no, anime-watching activities on hold. Currently, I'm only following
the remnants of Ore Monogatari! and Shokugeki no Souma.<br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">I'd really like to do a series of separate posts about the thoughts I was preoccupied with, but I don't know when is that going to happen, and I'm probably on the verge of starting a job anytime now. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />I've only been posting short "poems" lately because I haven't really been able to gather my thoughts into one cohesive blog post. I feel like I want to revisit my writing but at the same time I'm faced with hitting a wall that I need to overcome. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">We shall see how the next month will go.<br /></span>Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-65218025773910211542015-09-10T03:14:00.000-04:002015-09-10T03:25:14.830-04:00Grown Up ?<i>I wrote this way back in May 2013, but I never published it. </i><br />
<br />
I should probably write this down before I forget.<br />
<br />
This whole of second year has been a disconcerting, yet humbling experience for me. Forget school for a moment, but it goes a lot deeper than that. First year, I would say, I was pretty carefree of a lot of things. Too carefree in fact, that I lulled myself into a sense of security.<br />
<br />
Come second year I realized, have I been sleeping all this while ? Why is it that I'd only started realizing things now, after a whole year have passed ?<br />
<br />
And even after that, I realized that I thought I've seen it all, I could handle everything, but I was wrong. I had overestimated myself, and it made me realize there's more to being grown up than just paying bills, living alone without the hu-ha's that you usually have as teenagers.<br />
<br />
Being grown up is also about respecting others. It's about being considerate and not taking advantage of other people's kindness. It's about showing gratitude for their kindness and not taking their kindness for granted thinking that they're just there to serve your whims. It's also about knowing your boundaries. Just because people are kind to you, doesn't mean they allow you to exploit them. Even small gestures are considered courteous, and nobody will actually tell you to do those little things. They are actually expected from you as a form of courtesy. You are not to take things at face value, you kind of have to put thought into it to think about what's the right thing to do. I appreciate people being frank, but sometimes, it's just impossible to be straight out about everything because of this thing called "courtesy", and I guess that's just how the real world works. Nobody's going to tell you what to do. I didn't realize I was just so used to it. I even have in my brain "written" instructions about what to do for different situations, kind of procedural methods to ethics and etiquette to ensure that I am "well-behaved", but sometimes, the world doesn't work like that. Sometimes you feel that the things you do fall in line with what you think is right, but it may not be so with what the people around you feel is right. At all times, you kind of have to second guess yourself and not think to yourself that people are always tolerant to all your behaviors.<br />
<br />
Being grown up is also about taking care of yourself, and I don't mean just hygienically or house-chore-wise, but it's also about money. I've mentioned it before in a previous post. I also realized that all this while I've been living off given money. I'm using, spending money, but up to this day I have not earned any money to call it my money in its entirety. I realized that it's time to start earning money, I can't get too used to having money being given to me all the time.<br />
<br />
Being grown up is about being happy, without being too complacent. Being aware, but not anxious. Being able to take things into your own stride and keep your cool to make rational decisions. Being able to handle situations in a level-headed manner. Being grown up is about keeping your emotions in check, which is the hardest thing for me. Being grown up also means not being in denial of the situation and not mope about it, but try to work out the solutions without being influenced by emotions. I almost feel like being grown up means compartmentalizing your personal feelings and what needs to be done, or is appropriate to be done, separately.<br />
<br />
Being grown up also means learning from your mistake and not actually do them again. When you make mistakes when you're young, people don't beat you down too much for it because you're inexperienced, and you may not know better, and you still have the chance to learn from it, but when you're much older, it is expected that you should know better because you're experienced, and I guess it is a little harder to learn from your mistakes because you're more set in your ways.<br />
<br />
Somehow I feel that I thought I knew how to take care of myself, but apparently I was so naive in my judgment, I didn't realize there were a lot of things that I didn't think of thinking about. There is still so much that I have yet to know about the real world. Sometimes I feel like I'm still that high school kid who doesn't know better, and I realized I don't know how to be an adult, in facing the real world. I feel angry at myself sometimes for being inadequate, but at the same time I should do something about it. I can't let those ill feelings and self-pity consume me.Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-30872962097433613022015-08-26T06:09:00.002-04:002015-08-26T06:09:51.180-04:00Ringkasaku pulang<br />
merapatkan jarak fizikal<br />
namun terbentuknya jurang baharu<br />
di antara kitaNanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-30157156278745441412015-08-26T01:39:00.000-04:002015-08-26T01:39:12.967-04:00Departure<div style=" color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
ephemeral<br />like the floating particles<br />in the pouring sunlight<br />through dusty curtains<br />in a long-emptied room<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><br />but filled with an air<br />of loss<br />and lingering sense of regret<br />after your departure</span></div>
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<div style="margin-bottom: 6px;">
-KL, 3.07 am, Aug 26, 2015</div>
</div>
Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-8458290516345851732015-08-11T01:46:00.001-04:002015-08-11T01:47:49.351-04:00Anti-Thesis<div style="color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
<i>Homecoming</i><br />
<br />
<br />
My love is the color of sunsets</div>
<div style="color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Though worn from travel and toil,</div>
<div style="color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
"I'm home!" I'd call from the distance</div>
<div class="text_exposed_show" style="color: white; display: inline; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px;">
Running into your embrace</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
and there I would stay through the night</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
My love is the morning dew</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
As the daylight comes, it is renewed</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Lingering in timelessness</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Again, I get lost in you</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Your love is my refuge</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
My center of gravity</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
You, the one I come home to.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
KL, 1.41pm, Aug 11, 2015.</div>
</div>
Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-71826999295995486382015-08-10T09:38:00.001-04:002015-08-10T09:39:44.024-04:00Unfinished kusangka sisa sampah sarap di jalanan<br />
terburai butir-butir nasi dijamah dirona merah sambal<br />
bungkusan dicarik rakus binatang buas kelaparan<br />
lalat turut menghurung berpesta<br />
<br />
rupanya kuteliti<br />
kulihat
mata yang tertutup milik bangkai rupa manusia
<br /><br /><br />
<br /><i>I stopped cuz my command of Malay for literature purposes is still lacking and I couldn't express what I wanted to express the way I want to. So I guess this is a work in progress. </i>Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-8027672301775717652015-08-10T09:21:00.004-04:002015-08-10T09:39:44.027-04:00First Poem of The Year Absence.<br /><br /><br /><br />
<div style="color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
I am the empty seat.</div>
<div style=" color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
The unoccupied side of the bed.</div>
<div style=" color: white; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
The clothes that don't see the light of day</div>
<div class="text_exposed_show" style=" color: white; display: inline; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px;">
In a dusty wardrobe.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
That distance not traversed.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
I am, oft, absent.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
but I want to be that cup of coffee</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
That sits on your desk.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
As you write your letters.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Once a while you will look at me.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
And hold me.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
I hope this warmth would suffice.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
In absence of mine.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
KL, 9.18 pm, Aug 10th, 2015.</div>
</div>
Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-86125963430246703252015-08-10T06:24:00.001-04:002015-08-10T09:39:10.029-04:00Old Essay<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-MY"> </span><span lang="EN-US"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"> <i>I will revisit this one day. Properly.</i></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Implications
of the Interpretations of Islam:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Comparative
Gender Studies in <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Ayaan
Hirsi Ali’s <i>Infidel</i> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">and
Davar Ardalan’s <i>My Name Is Iran</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Nurul Kamilah Mat Kamil<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Mr. S. Wise<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">May 5, 2011<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> The status of Islam‘s relevance and
compatibility to modern context such as individual women’s rights is a
debatable issue. Presently, in Muslim communities, discrepancies in gender
equality still occur despite the claim that Islam has already given women their
rights. Muslim women are being discriminated against in education, are deemed
unfit to lead in some countries and they don’t have rights to their own bodies
and opinions. These discrepancies, examined in Ayaan Hirsi Ali’s<i> Infidel</i> and Davar Ardalan’s <i>My Name Is Iran</i> are caused by the
different interpretations of Islam. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> A woman’s education opportunities
are stripped as they get married because the society demands women to be
homemakers and faithful wives to their husbands. Some of them don’t even get
the chance to finish their education as they are married off to their family’s
man of choice, “even though most of the girls were reluctant and some were
petrified” (Ali 78). Due to stringent
perspectives of how a “marriage should be” (Ardalan 211), education no longer
becomes the priority of married Muslim women. Although Ardalan was not
completely restricted from pursuing education compared to Ali, her husband was
still not being supportive of her financially and morally, “I realized that I
wanted him to support me to better myself and my children’s lives through my
own education” (Ardalan 210). The circumstances that both Ali and Ardalan faced
are both contradictory of Imam Bukhari’s encouragement of the husband as the wife’s
guardian to ensure that she improves her education (<i>Sahih Bukhari</i>, 3:46:723). Strict adherence to society-conceived
gender roles causes this unfair implication onto Muslim women as men are
regarded more deserving for an education as they can contribute more to a country
in leadership. When in Saudi Arabia, Ali commented that “It wasn’t fair that we
weren’t allowed to go out with him and do all the things Mahad could” (Ali 50).
Gender segregation in schools also led to the differences in syllabus between
girls and boys because some fields are considered inappropriate for a woman’s
nature (Hamdan). However, Ardalan had a somewhat secular upbringing which
allowed her more freedom in education. To her family, “gaining knowledge … was
life itself” (Ardalan 71) and every family member should pursue knowledge
regardless of gender. The Muslim community are also taught to oppose Western
teachings, and this caused much discontent to Ali, “As much as I wanted to
become a devout Muslim, I always found it uncomfortable to oppose the West” (Ali
109). In contrast, Ardalan’s childhood experiences had direct exposure to the
West as she went to an American high school as her grandparents agreed “that it
was best to raise the children in America” (Ardalan 49), while Ali only had her
Western exposure in her childhood through harlequin novels. <span class="apple-style-span">Islam does not completely
oppose Western teachings and does encourage pursuing it, as it is complementary
in acquiring knowledge (Gbadamosi). Therefore, it is evident that different
communal interpretations of a woman’s rights to education in Islamic teachings
are a cause of gender inequality in Muslim societies.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> Man rules over
woman; even Muslim communities are not spared from this traditional norm that
is detrimental to women’s rights. In many patriarchal Muslim societies, men are
perceived as the leaders and breadwinners of the family and women were
attributed the role of the homemaker. The women then end up confined to their
homes and are not allowed to work as the “</span></span><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">money
earned by a woman has never made anyone rich” (Ali 121) and a “pious woman should
not work outside the home” (Ali 67). The fact that the society puts more value
“on male experiences and perspectives [makes man more deserving of] the privileges
given to them, and resulting [in the] devaluation of women’s status, no matter
what contributions they make” (Wadud 100). The confinement of women in a
patriarchal society is psychological as one would feel conflicted with the
majority if one does not conform to the mainstream (Leung). However, it is
stated in the Quran, <span class="apple-style-span">men
and women can both have a share of what they earn, meaning that both men and
women can work (<i>Quran</i> 4:32). Another
issue is women’s position in religious rituals. Why is it that for most rituals
which involve men and women, the men is appointed to lead prayers and such, and
not the women? </span>“Why does Allah will it? He made me too, but he
always prefers Mahad” (Ali 44). Wadud shares the same view with Ali and adds, “Gender
separation in the mosque also reflects gender disparity through space and the
opportunities that limit women’s access to or participation in the mosque
activities and especially in decision-making” (Wadud 175). With only the
exception of religious practices, women have equal opportunities to men because
<span class="apple-style-span">the ruling concerning acts of worship is that
anything not prescribed in Shari`ah in explicit texts is prohibited, so that
people may not innovate matters in religion not ordained by Allah (“Yusuf”).</span><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>There is no denial that women are
created different from man, therefore, both genders play different roles in
religious rituals, but their piety is equally valued. The different roles that
they play do not necessarily mean that one is better than the other. In Iran,
women were forbidden from political involvement and “decisions were made at the
highest level within the patriarchal clerical establishment” (Ardalan 250). Wadud
expounds the argument, “If women only demonstrate and exemplify their ability
to be “like men”, or to be victims of patriarchy, then nothing is learned from
them over and above men in the pulpits, at the head of the line, as well as in
the parliament” (Wadud 182). Since the only difference of gender roles for
women is only in religious matters, it does not limit women’s opportunities in
other aspects of life, or their opportunities to be better Muslims because a woman's role on earth is not limited only to childbirth. As
a Muslim, she is required to do as many good deeds as any other man is required
to do (Azeem). So, it is permissible for
a woman to make contributions in politics, especially if it is for the betterment
of the nation. Even Aisyah, the wife of Prophet Muhammad, led an army in the
Battle of the Camel and became a source of reference for many people at that
time (Geissinger). In short, contributions from both genders are essential
in the development of nations, especially in leadership. Although some
practices in Islam veered to be patriarchal due to social norms, it should not
limit women’s opportunities to contribute to leadership in other aspects
outside religious rituals. It is only due to the different interpretations of
Islam that Muslim women face limitations in leadership positions. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> A key issue of women’s rights is the
fight against the objectification of women and to prove that women have rights
to their own bodies and opinions. In Ali’s clan, the women could not object to
the groom the clan has chosen for them, otherwise they were considered a
disgrace to the clan. “Love marriages were a stupid mistake…You sank into a
hideous destiny of impurity, godlessness and disease” (Ali 79). Ali even
married a man named Mahmud just to have sex (Ali 140), because a Muslim could
not engage in pre-marital sex. Marriage is not just for the pleasures of sex,
but it is also an institution that a man and a woman find companionship and a
refuge from the trials and tribulations of life (Patel 37, <i>Quran</i> 30:21). <span class="apple-style-span">A woman is not a
plaything in the hand of man but a spiritual and moral being who is entrusted
to him as a sacred pledge to which Allah is made a witness. The wife is,
therefore, not meant to provide sensuous pleasure only to the male, but to
fully co-operate with him in making the life of the family and ultimately of
the whole humanity significantly meaningful (<i>Sahih</i> <i>Muslim</i>). </span>In
certain cultures, arranged marriages are common, but Islam actually gives the
liberty to choose one’s partner based on certain guidelines (<i>Sahih Muslim</i> 8:35:3457). A woman has a
right to deny her father’s choice if she does not will the marriage because a<span class="apple-style-span"> woman who has been previously married is more entitled
to her person than her guardian, and a virgin must be asked for her consent for
herself (<i>Muwatta’</i> 28:2:4). </span>Although
some Muslim communities make it a practice for arranged marriages, forced
marriages have proven to be more detrimental than beneficial. Islam emphasizes
compatibility in a marriage, and considers mutual affection in choosing a
spouse. A woman’s sexuality is also suppressed with the justification that “a
man’s erotic thoughts were always the fault of the women who incited them” (Ali
110). “Girls in Somali were excised and the practice is always justified in the
name of Islam…Imams never discourage the practice: it keeps girls pure” (Ali
31). <span class="apple-style-span">This tradition is
pervasive because of the insistence of imposing righteousness on the society by
certain groups of people and justifying their violent acts by “endlessly
quoting the famous verse from the Qur’an” (Sardar). This practice of controlling women is not a
teaching of Islam, rather, it has its roots in foreign customs, like the
Byzantine and Persian cultures of female seclusion and the female circumcision
from <span style="color: #040404;">North African traditions, and is
practiced today only among the Muslims of that region, along with many non-Muslims
(Aykol). Islam does not view sexuality
as a taboo subject, rather it is regarded sacred, and promotes marriage as an
institution that will maintain societal order and as a channel for sexual
pleasure among the spouses. Lastly, the patriarchal society also deems women
fickle and unable to make decisions for themselves, so the decisions are made by
the men. </span></span>“Certain decisions, he informed me, were better made by
the men of the family” (Ali 127). Ardalan and the Iranian women at the time of
the Revolution had the awareness to “assume the right they had to rule over
themselves instead of imitating the West or the East” (Ardalan 136) after
reading Ali Shariati’s work. In Islam, the concept of shura, literally meaning counsel
in Arabic, encourages participation from all members of the discussion
regardless of gender. Therefore, women can and should offer their opinions to
make their own decisions as well as decisions for an organization as a positive
change is only balanced if it is made and agreed by all the individuals
involved (Farooq). Conclusively, the suppression of women’s rights to her
opinions and her body due to different interpretations of Islam causes gender
inequality in Muslim communities.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> In summary, Islam is interpreted differently
due to differences in cultural context as well as other political reasons. Some
may be stricter than the other and even detrimental to both women and society
in aspects of education, leadership and the woman’s individual rights itself.
Therefore, it is best to consider the interpretations that best comply with the
modern understanding of human rights which also stays true to Islam’s vision of
an egalitarian society.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Word count: 1829<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Works
Cited<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Ardalan, Davar. <i>My Name Is
Iran</i>. United States of America: Henry Holt and Company. 2007. Print.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
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<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Aykol, Mustafa. "Islam, Women and Sex: Debunking a Few Myths
- Hurriyet Daily News and Economic
Review."</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><span class="apple-style-span"><i><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hürriyet Daily News and Economic Review</span></i></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> 6 Apr. 2010.
Web. 16 Apr. 2011.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Azeem, Dr. Sherif Abdel.</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><span class="apple-style-span"><i><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Women in Islam Versus
Women in Judaeo-Christian Tradition:
The Myth and Reality</span></i></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">. Kingston: Queen's University. n.d. Web. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> 15 Apr. 2011.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Chapin Metz, Helen.</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> “</span></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Saudi
Arabia: A Country Study</span></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">.” <i>Washington: GPO for the Library of Congress.</i> 1992. Web.
15 April 2011.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">"Dr. Yusuf Al-Qaradawi Comments on Females Leading Co-gender
Friday Prayers and on Women Leading Other Women."</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><span class="apple-style-span"><i><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Islamopedia Online</span></i></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">. n.d. Web. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> 16 Apr. 2011.</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Ertürk, Yakin. "Promotion and Protection of All Human Rights,
Civil, Political, Economic, Social and
Cultural Rights Including The Right To Development."</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><span class="apple-style-span"><i><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Office of the High Commissioner
for Human Rights</span></i></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> 14 Apr. 2009.
Web. 12 Apr. 2011.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Farooq, Dr. Mohammad Omar. "Women Scholars of Islam: They
Must Bloom Again." <i>Social Science Research Network</i>. 20 Jan.
2011. Web. 13 Apr. 2011.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Gbadamosi, Saliu. "Islam Is Not against Acquiring Western
Education -chief Imam."</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><span class="apple-style-span"><i><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Nigerian Tribune</span></i></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">. 22 Oct. 2010. Web. 16
Apr. 2011.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<h1 style="margin-right: 24.0pt; mso-line-height-alt: 7.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal;"> Geissinger,
Aisha. “</span></span><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal;">‘A’isha bint Abi Bakr and her Contributions
to the Formation of the Islamic Tradition” <i>Religion Compass</i>. Volume 5, Issue 1: pages 37–49, January
2011. <i>Wiley Online Library</i>. Web. 24
Apr. 2011.<span class="apple-style-span"><o:p></o:p></span></span></h1>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hamdan, Amani. "Women and Education in Saudi Arabia:
Challenges and Achievements."<i>International
Education Journal</i>. Shannon Research Press, 2005.
Web. 22 Apr. 2011.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hirsi Ali, Ayaan. <i>Infidel.</i>
United Kingdom: Simon & Schuster Ltd.
2008. Print.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Leung, Rebecca. "Women Speak Out In Saudi Arabia."</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><span class="apple-style-span"><i><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">CBS News</span></i></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">. 24 Mar. 2005. Web. 14 Apr. 2011.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="apple-style-span"><i><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Muwatta’</span></i></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">. Compendium of Muslim
Texts. Berkeley: University of Southern California
Press. <i>University of Southern California
Centre for Muslim-Jewish Engagement.</i>
2009. Web. 14 April 2011.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Patel, Ismail Adam. <i>Islam
the Choice of Thinking Women</i>. United Kingdom: Ta-Ha Publishers Ltd. 1997. Print.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span class="apple-style-span"><i><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Sahih Bukhari</span></i></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">. Compendium of Muslim
Texts. Berkeley: University of Southern California
Press. <i>University of Southern California
Centre for Muslim-Jewish Engagement. </i>2009.
Web. 14 April 2011.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span class="apple-style-span"><i><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Sahih Muslim</span></i></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">. Compendium of Muslim
Texts. Berkeley: University of Southern California
Press. <i>University of Southern California
Centre for Muslim-Jewish Engagement.</i> 2009.
Web. 24 April 2011.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span class="apple-style-span"><i><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The Holy
Quran. </span></i></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Sahih International<i>. Quran.com</i>.
n.d. Web. 24 Apr. 2011.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Sardar, Ziauddin. “The Struggle for Islam’s Soul.” <i>New Statesman</i>. 18 Jul. 2005. Web. 15 Apr. 2011.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
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<span class="apple-style-span"><span lang="EN-MY" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Wadud, Amina. <i>Inside the
Gender Jihad: Women’s Reform in Islam. </i>United Kingdom: Oneworld Publications. 2006. Print<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-44214863426220761122015-08-09T09:19:00.002-04:002015-08-10T09:39:10.027-04:00Away Writeup<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><i>My blurb was featured <a href="https://www.yumpu.com/en/embed/view/dM7Jwahmd7e1Nful">here</a>. </i><br /><i>But I actually did a full writeup for all the questions. So I suppose, this was the full thing that I came up with if it suits your fancy. </i><br /><br /><br /><b>Nurul
Kamilah Mat Kamil, McMaster University, Canada, Electrical and Biomedical
Engineering, B.Eng<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">1.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">How much did you change as a person as
the result of your overseas education?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
I am definitely not the same
person as I was when I left the country. Although there was little to no
physical changes (I have not grown any taller nor gained any weight as my
friends can testify), there is a big change in my outlook of the world. Being
in contact with people of different cultures and different backgrounds abroad
has widened my perspectives. It has given me an opportunity to be exposed to
different sides of the same story. For example, having known people who have
actually emigrated from war-torn countries or refugees in Canada. You get a
first-hand account of the goings-on and it makes you question what the media
has been dishing out to the people all these years. Secondly, I also gained
exposure to many different issues that has never crossed my mind. I can see
that in different countries, different issues plague their social and political
sphere. For example, mental illness has never been in the spotlight in Malaysia
whereas they take it very seriously abroad, well, at least in Canada. Being
abroad as well allows me to see the far-reaching consequences of global
happenings, or if our country ever made it to international news, the
perspectives of foreign countries on the situation. When MH 370 was in the
news, my professor approached me and asked if I lost any loved ones on the
plane. I was very much touched by his kindness. Ironically, I found out about
MH 17 when I was shopping for a bag at the mall and the shopkeeper asked about
how another Malaysian plane was lost because I didn’t check the news before I
left the house. Lastly, on a personal level, being abroad has forced me to
re-evaluate and re-learn several things about religion and spirituality. I
learned that there is no set way to go about practicing religion as I observed
the people in the West and the people from different backgrounds. Ultimately, what
is most important is to do good unto others and to yourself. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">2.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">What is the most memorable experience
that you had?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
It is really difficult to choose
a single one experience, as the many experiences I’ve had has affected me in
different ways, be it in a bittersweet manner or otherwise. Some of it was
simply memorable vacation trips, whereas some were experiences that made me
think. If I had to choose one it was probably my trip to Vancouver when I met
my relatives for the first time. They immigrated to Canada the earliest in the
1960’s and they were from my Chinese grandmother’s side. It is a little weird
to meet them for the first time in such a foreign place. They’ve lived
different lives from my Malaysian relatives even though they came from the same
background. Yet, being with them was still home away from home. Sometimes
people dread going to see relatives perhaps for different reasons, but my visit
to Vancouver gave me a chance to reconnect with a different side of my family.
Their warmth and hospitality is probably the highlight of my trip despite my
going places in Vancouver, which is a beautiful city in itself. It is not easy
for me to see them because I need to take a four-hour flight from Toronto and
Canada itself is at least a day’s worth of air travel from Malaysia. It was an
opportunity that I simply could not pass up and it definitely is one of the
things I will miss Canada for. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">3.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Is it easy to get along with the
locals? How well did you assimilate with local culture?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
It was easy for me to get along
with the locals. Canadians are notorious for being really polite, aren’t they? To
be honest, when I first reached Canada, I felt like the country fits me like a
glove. It is multicultural as is Malaysia, as a majority of them are immigrants
or of immigrant descent, and everybody is free to practice their own culture. The
fact that there is no one major race in the Greater Toronto Area and there were
a lot of Asians and South East Asians made me feel at home. Even when I speak
to some of them, it is most likely that we would have very similar experiences
growing up in an Asian culture. For example, it was nice to know that some of
them have their own localized Maggie and they find Maggie to be their childhood
comfort food. Or of seeing similarities in the traditional food we eat. Or of
our parents being equally typical Asian parents. So, it is very easy to get
along with them. In terms of assimilation with local culture, it’s pretty much
in the small courteous things like holding the door open for people, cleaning
up after yourself when you eat out, greeting people which I wish should be more
common in our own country. I had to get used to other people not doing all
those things that was expected of you in Canada when I got home to Malaysia. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">4.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Did you get homesick? and how did you
cope with it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
I wasn’t really homesick, until
after about two years. I was having too much fun in Canada. The only reason I
ever got homesick was because I missed my family. There are even Malaysian
restaurants available if I do ever miss home. Sometimes when I walk around and
I talk to people some of them do claim that they do have some Malaysian parentage
or have been to Malaysia. So, being around these people actually reminds me of
home once in a while. Even my landlady is Malaysian and pretty much I live in a
house with some Malaysians and Canadians. There’s not that many of us. There’s
only 4 of us Malaysian girls in my house and we pretty much take care of each
other. There’s also Malaysian and Singaporean aunties and the Malaysian student
associations have regular gatherings so I get to meet Malaysians and eat
Malaysian food, there’s really not that much to miss other than your family.
The Malaysian student community at McMaster University is also relatively small
and we’re very close-knit like a family. Of course, even if there were no
Malaysians, I could probably find myself a second family among my Canadian
friends. Nowadays with Facebook, Skype and Whatsapp it’s really easy to get
connected you can even contact people from home on a daily basis. It is that
easy. What you probably miss is just the sensation of hugging in the flesh. Oh,
and I do miss being taken care of when I get sick. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">5.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If you were given the choice of living
abroad or going back to Malaysia, which would you choose and why!?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
This is a very difficult question
to answer, but I will be very honest. Personally, I would live abroad. The
overseas experience has significantly changed me, for the better, I hope. My
preferences has changed over the years. Even now that I have returned to
Malaysia I need to get myself re-accustomed to the weather, the food and the
people, and the fact that I’m living with my parents again when I have been
living by myself for a few years abroad. Even when I was younger I have always
yearned for a life abroad, and when that wish was fulfilled during my four
years abroad I feel that I somehow returned to some place I’ve wanted to
belong. Growing up I was pretty much an oddball for speaking in English and I
had trouble relating to the people around me because of my unconventional way
of thinking. I was able to express myself freely living abroad and I discovered
many things about myself when I was away from home. Although living abroad does
entail that I have to live away from my family because it is very difficult for
them to follow me abroad and I cannot go home that often, but coming home after
a while does give you a different perspective to your experiences abroad. It
gives you the chance to reflect on how your experiences abroad has changed you
as a person and how you now relate to the people around you that you’ve left
behind and what ultimately is the goal you studied abroad in the first place.
You also realize how differently things are being done in your own country be
it for the good or the bad and you have a choice in what you make of it. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">6. If you could turn
back time, what would you do differently during your studies abroad?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If I could turn back
time I would probably honestly study less :p Not to say that I regret all my
hard work studying and earning a distinction, but I wish I participated in a
lot more extra-curricular activities. In the final term of my final year I discovered
that I actually enjoyed participating in Hackathons, which is a competition in
which you are given 24 hours to come up with a hardware or software hack. I
wish I got myself a job during my summers so that I had some experience working
abroad, be it for menial work like a library assistant. Even though I do
currently have Canadian friends that I am close with, I wish I had branched out
a little more and hung out more with people. The hang outs only ever happened
at the very end because everyone was busy and after school was over finally did
we hang out with each other and got to know the different sides of ourselves
outside our school sphere. Of course, don’t we always want it all, grades, a
job, and a social life? Even so, I did not regret my 4 years’ experience in
Canada. It has made me who I am today and has shown me the beauty of her place
and her people. I am thankful to God and to the people who helped made it
happen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-61570014933172393852015-07-02T15:43:00.001-04:002015-08-10T09:39:32.910-04:00HomeApa perasaan balik for good? Well, I didn't sleep the night before huha huha main game. Naik kereta gi airport huha huha nyanyi nyanyi lagi. Sampai airport too sleepy to feel anything and unimpressed with pearson. Masa nak masuk security check I felt a weight in the pit of my stomach, my knees grew weak and my steps were heavy but the rest of me felt too light that I could fall apart with a single poke. It finally dawned on me I was leaving. Half of me was scared of being late while half of me wanted to stay a little longer but was wary about shedding tears too soon. I couldn't cry then and I wanted to go away as soon as possible to avoid the crying and attachment but as I made the straight march to the door I kept looking back regretting rushing to go and not lingering a little longer. I was also hoping that I'd see those familiar faces, hoping that I could turn around and run back to them, go back home and continue playing games but I had to look forward at what's next which is the business of taking out my laptops for the security check. After I'd have settled in the airplane I started feeling short of breath. This was it. This was my last chance to send a text message but words were jumbled. I can't express what I really wanted to say. When the plane started the slow taxi seeing the outline of Missisauga pass by the tears finally came. Memories of recent and past of my escapades in Canada played in my mind. Faces of both Canadian and Malaysian friends and relatives flashed by. The tears were welling up in my eyes ready to flow and when the plane finally took off, they were not held back anymore. They poured and poured for an extended time. I cried into the tiny pillow they provided hoping to muffle my sobs. I had to tell myself to not regret anything, that I had to let go. I wanted people to miss me the way I was missing them at that moment. I continued drifting in between states of consciousness as I tried to sleep, but even as I closed my eyes the tears were still streaming with no end until I cried myself dry for 6 hours. It hurts because I didn't want it to end, I didn't have enough of it and I wanted more and I am struggling to come to terms with it. I thought of the people I were leaving behind and it hurt a lot more. It hurts too much that I had to try to calm down so that I don't tire myself as I had 9 more hours of flight to go to Hong Kong followed by a long layover. I stopped eventually, but thoughts still linger. I probably will need some time to recover. When I was on my last leg in the flight back from Hong Kong to Malaysia, I got teary again as the plane finally landed on the Motherland. That was it that was the end of my journey. When I embraced my parents it felt as if I had emerged from a long trial and isolation on a deserted island, kind of like how the kids in Lord of the Flies started crying when they were rescued. Half of me was happy I haven't seen them for so long. Half of me wanted them to understand how sad I felt that the journey ended. As we went on I also felt sad that I missed out a lot on my siblings growing up when I left them behind. Though I was anxious in trying to re-accustom myself to this now strange land when I saw my siblings I slipped into that comforting sense of familiarity. That this was where I belonged even though I was yearning to be some place else. Over these past hours since I've landed I was trying to come to terms with the fact that I have to be here a while, indefinitely. That I do not have a set time to remain here before I leave again. That I have to try to accept Malaysia for what she is now and try to live with it. It's hard wanting to belong to both places at once. When I was in Canada it was hard on me because my family was away now that I am here I feel attached to the people and life I left behind in Canada. Well, I guess for now it is enough for me to be with my family. I haven't been home in a long long time. We shall see what comes next.Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-1437674461346266762015-05-19T03:42:00.002-04:002015-08-10T09:39:23.227-04:00Religion and SpiritualitySo school's ended for me for undergrad and it seems I am becoming nocturnal in the summer and my recent activities include poring over reading materials that I never had the liberty of perusing through them during the last two years of my engineering undergraduate career. I am unfortunately most effective at reading and ruminating around the wee hours in the morning, so I adapted this nocturnal sleeping pattern.<br />
<br />
My recent reading material happens to be Raden Mas' Hidup Bertuhan Hidup Beragama. I don't normally read philosophical texts in Malay, so this is a first. I thought about writing it in Malay because some terms are best described in Malay, though I personally feel that my capacity to express my thoughts in Malay is limited since I myself have thought processes in English and I made English annotations during my read through, but I will do to the best of my ability to unpack what I've read.<br />
<br />
I read through it twice. I usually read through once, but lately I have a habit of needing to read through everything twice. The first time around was a general overview because it's not something I normally read, I needed to know the general geography of what I am reading through. The second time around I made notes of the major points and my personal thoughts.<br />
<br />
I have to admit it does speak to my own personal dilemmas regarding my practice of my own faith. From my youth, I've always had trouble with keeping to rituals and often times I ask questions that led to chastisement from my ustaz and ustazahs of asking things for fear that I would one day become an apostate. Even to this day, I admit that it is sometimes very hard for me to feel a communion with God when I perform rituals, but I have always taken a liking to reciting the Quran for some inexplicable reason.<br />
<br />
The fact that the central issue of this paper is about the distinction between living a religious life and, living a, I suppose, the loose English translation would be, spiritual life. It is explained at length that while both, on the surface seem to be indistinguishable as they do perform rituals, but the difference lies in how one views rituals and the focus of faith as opposed to the other. <br />
<br />
A religious person is only concern in perfecting his rituals, only seeking out to reap the rewards for his rituals in the afterlife, and not, ultimately, to know his creator. There is little room for speculation, they believe that what is taught from the books is immutable and their only concern is following what is being taught to the tee without question. Whereas, a spiritual person is one who views the rituals merely as a platform or an aspect of a religion's identity, but it is not faith itself. They view rituals as a means to commune with God, and that with every ritual they bring themselves closer to God, because their ultimate goal is to meet with their Creator. They allow themselves to question and seek out answers regarding God. A religious person is obsessed with religion to the point that it is sufficient for them to attribute God to a being that merely watches them perform those rituals and it is not necessary to know their Creator.<br />
<br />
I vaguely remember reading about sufi poets who sought knowledge of God and write poetry of being intoxicated with love for God and chastise the masses for fearing His punishment because that is not the true way of fully devoting one's self to Him.<br />
<br />
The author characterizes religion as "zahir", implying it is physical and worldly, whereas the question of knowing God as "ghaib", implying it being, to loosely put it, other worldly. Knowing God can only be obtainable from one's faith and feeling His presence in one's heart and not simply from knowing facts that He exists from a book. Religious people are concerned with matters of perfecting rituals and of worldly matters. So, perhaps it would probably appall religious people had they been told that their way of living is very much secular in this context.<br />
<br />
When I was enrolled in Religious Studies, we did comparative religion, and in any religion, there was a pattern of having multiple paths in religion. For example, in Hinduism there was a way of "bhakti" in which people who subscribe to this path are more likely to be in service in multiple deities of their choosing and their means of practicing their religion is to do good deeds and rituals to appease the deities. An alternate path is that of asceticism in which the members spend most of their time meditating and separating themselves from worldly matters in order to attain enlightenment of God. This paper is yet another example of illustrating that there exists multiple ways of practicing the same faith. Yet, the author argues, that the way of the ritual does not guarantee unwavering faith. As pushing away the need for understanding God and merely doing rituals is empty, and it could sow seeds of doubt as the person does not understand why and for what purpose are they doing those rituals for.<br />
<br />
There is also a discussion of "hakikat". I am not sure what the English word for this is. If I had to give my own word for it, I think, loosely, it would translate to "reality", though it's not just any kind of reality, it's the absolute reality, or the absolute truth. It is the underlying, absolute truth of the nature of God and His creations. The author describes that the hakikat is trying to know if what you feel is what is real or if it is an illusion. (I'm sorry, I don't actually know how to transcribe the description into a better streamlined explanation). There are sects that practices the way of the hakikat, but the author warns that without a sharp wit, proper pedagogy and a teacher that has been enlightened himself and if the way is not constrained by proper guidelines, one can be easily led astray instead of getting closer to God. "Hakikat" is not tied to religion and it is therefore not part of the discussion in staunchly religious sects. "Hakikat" is about the true nature of God and it is not about the nature of the individual. I remember learning in religious studies about some Islamic thinkers, forgive me, I cannot recall their names, who found themselves "enlightened" and claiming that all creations and God are one of the same, which is more characteristic of some Hindu thoughts and pantheism, and as the author notes, is not true hakikat teachings.<br />
<br />
The final part of the paper involves a reiteration for the need of a more spiritual approach to religion, the author reminds us that intellect is equally important to discern religious teachings that are corrupted with nafs and worldliness from that which is true to the purpose of becoming closer to God. Religions that become cults can be difficult to dispel as it can become ingrained in indoctrination, and it will lead to extremism.<br />
<br />
The paper bookends by characterizing what a spiritual person's motivations are in seeking God in order to give meaning to the rituals, and ultimately to his faith. The paper closes with the statement : "Kenal Tuhan binasa dirinya". Meaning that once you know God, you realize that you lose your Self. God's creations will not stand before Him without feeling insignificant and in awe once they attain the understanding of God.<br />
<br />
I once mused if I could meet God I would ask him all the questions I've ever had about this world, and one of my lecturers commented that once I meet Him, I wouldn't even have the gall to do so because I would be humbled at my insignificance before Him. Even in Buddhist thought, there is an emphasis on the teaching that the Self is illusory. So, there is evidence that there is a universal understanding in other religions as well.<br />
<br />
I don't claim to be an expert on other religions, I am merely piecing together the little things that I know because comparative religion has personally been the way I better understand my own religion, and I suppose I've always liked making connections with other things I've learned or read, it's more interesting.<br />
<br />
All in all, I hope I've done it justice, else it could be attributed to my own limitations in understanding, and thus, I still need to read or reflect a lot more.<br />
<br />
The takeaway message from all this is really relevant to current day society in Malaysia. Clerics are concerned of how much a woman should cover herself and how it is not wrong for a man to force himself on his wife and pig's DNA in chocolates. Tch. The obsession with perfecting rituals that lead to trivial nitpicking on what is the best way to practice those rituals takes away from the actual point of the ritual in the first place which is to bring once closer to God. I'm not saying rituals are to be carried out half-arsed, but at the same time, one must strive for meaningful ritual and not an empty one, and meaningful ritual is not attained from bickering between different opinions of how one should practice said ritual. Secondly, it is also important to ask your own questions, and actively seek out answers. Relying on immutable explanations that does not allow for questions is a stagnation. Books and clerics can only do so much, but getting closer to God takes a lot more than that and it is your own responsibility. Living a spiritual life is an active process. It is not the ritual's job and it's not the cleric's job to do that for you.<br />
<br />
So, yeah. I have other stuff to read too that I haven't gotten to, but in due time, I will probably do a write up for each of them to better consolidate my thoughts. Currently, I just finished another book, but it's altogether a completely different topic. It's also another type of book I don't normally read. It's an economic and politicala history analysis on Why Nations Fail by Daron Acemoglu and James P. Robinson, but I'll save that for another day. I am apparently pursuing my non-engineering interests in my free time right now, but I really like this break from engineering for now. Here's to more productive reading.Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-36774804741597978152014-10-19T23:50:00.001-04:002014-10-19T23:55:21.292-04:00Dolor<div style="; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">
my sadness is the </div>
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red orange yellow</div>
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bleeding into each other</div>
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streaking across the lapis lazuli sky</div>
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as the sun sets in the horizon<br />
<br />
my melancholy<br />
is the ebony platinum silk<br />
the muted cloak that drapes<br />
over the earth in<br />
her instance of ethereal solitude<br />
<br />
as my sights feast<br />
on these exquisite images<br />
my insides ache<br />
keeping these feelings<br />
from breaking the seams<br />
overflowing<br />
inundating rivers<br />
of listless fervor<br />
<br />
this tired soul yearns to taste life again<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
-N.K., Hamilton, 11.40 pm, 10/19/14<br />
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Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-48529857488609069272014-10-13T00:27:00.002-04:002014-10-13T00:27:34.246-04:00HiatusI guess, God loved you more.Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-70120034431161262992014-10-04T21:28:00.001-04:002014-10-04T21:29:32.938-04:00Flu Season<div class="_4_j7" style=" font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 18px;">
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/notes/kamilah-kamil/recovery/824500864256094" style="color: #232b37; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;">Recovery</a></div>
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<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed" id="id_54309e03e28e76558863648" style="display: inline;">
am I finally convalescing<br />
there's just this dull ache in my heart<br />
where you used to be<br />
I don't really feel it anymore<br />
<div class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;">
except when I take a step forward<br />
opening a new door<br />
<br />
am I supposed to learn to coexist<br />
with this immovable torment<br />
they say you can start with a clean slate<br />
a new book<br />
but really I'm just turning a new page<br />
and I can still peek at earlier chapters<br />
<br />
I want to escape this state of catatonia<br />
let me feel again<br />
administer a stimulation to my senses<br />
so that I wake with a jolt<br />
and I can once again embrace life's fullness<br />
run abreast with the rest of the world</div>
</div>
</div>
Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-76235969592954429462014-09-16T02:18:00.000-04:002015-08-10T09:40:05.611-04:00Book review, it's been a while. Recently, I acquired this book :<br />
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much thanks to Ooi Kok Hin for delivering it to me from the states in a really cute little parcel. Appreciate it. </div>
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Firstly, I should probably state my biases : I generally prefer English reading materials, and very rarely do I actually purchase any reading materials voluntarily. I write primarily in English, and if you ask me to write a proper Malay essay right now I'd probably fail terribly. </div>
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Some of these articles were written by my friends, i.e. people I actually know in real life, or, I suppose, people I've known over Facebook that I have been in contact with over the years, or at the very minimal, have seen their names on Facebook due to their Facebook activities, ahem. There may be one or two that I really am not familiar with. Part of the reason I actually bought it is because it's a compilation of my peers' writings, and also, because I was curious, and sort of in awe they'd got their works published, something I'd wished for myself, but I doubt my writings were really that good, even if they were publishing-worthy, it'd require a lot of editing. </div>
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Anyhow, about the book, it's all in Malay, and yes, being inadequately equipped with the knowledge of the nuances in the language to allow me to produce any remotely artistic or coherent pieces in Malay, I was impressed with the quality of the writing, and I suppose I am still capable of appreciating the cerpen's (short stories). I've always loved and preferred fiction and stories. Stories convey meaning a lot more differently than an opinion piece would. It's something about how the information is presented in a flowing narrative and the extra reflection you end up making at the end of the story in piecing those information together. And I suppose, for lack of a better description, fiction is a lot more "light" and easier to digest. My favorite, if I had to pick any, was the one about the homeless man in the cold, I guess I was affected by it the most because I'd seen those kind of people in the dead of winter before. There's a few more, but I kind of liked them equally as much but religious contemplation pieces have a special place in my heart, and they seem well-written to me, coming from someone who isn't actually that articulate in Malay writing. Out of all the anecdotes, there was a single one that touched on homosexuality, spoiler alert, which was really bold, because I personally haven't read anything of that sort in Malay, but I don't know if it had enough depth of a raw experience to judge if it was effective. wallahualam. but okay, I didn't see that coming. Adilla, you get a special mention, has two pieces in it, but I've read those before in her blog (was it?) but it was still equally as good reading it a second, third time over. And oh, one sarcastic piece made me laugh out loud. </div>
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There's a lot of philosophy sprinkled in between, or at least references of it, or mention of names. If you're not familiar to philosophy, you'd probably at least googled those names on wikipedia and get a rough idea of what things they wrote about to warrant a mention in those prose. Some of the names mentioned, I've at least heard of them before, thanks to my Ethics complementary electives course in second year, yay. It's the first time though that I've actually read a book with shades of philosophy written in Malay which felt a little weird. I don't read enough of philosophy to comment on it, but I love that there are actually people with varied reading habits. Growing up, I don't really know that many people who would pick up a book on philosophy, but I've enjoyed googling about those other names I don't really know about, and yes, I do enjoy googling random stuff in my free time. </div>
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Some writings seem like musings, like it was a stream of consciousness pieced together. I admit my writings do end up being stitched up pieces of my thoughts too. All in all, there were varied writing styles. Each piece had its own individuality and nothing felt similar, even though a couple few touched on similar themes of religion, education, humanity and such. </div>
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All in all, it was a good read, the book was really light and felt just the right size to fit in the hands, even as a one-handed read, which I tend to do with my books, because heck, engineering textbooks are so thick and heavy, anytime I get my hands on a smaller-sized tome, I'd just hold it one-handedly. It didn't take me that long at all to finish it, about 6 hours tops. It's interesting to read about the thoughts my peers have. <br /><br />I'd say give it a go, it's not your usual collection of short stories/essays. Hopefully it gets those cog wheels turning. For me, a good book is one that makes you ponder and ruminate, and yeah, every person takes away different things from a book and form their own interpretations about it, which is always an interesting thing to share. Books are thoughts that creates other thoughts, and that's why I love them so much, even though I hardly have the time to properly read books nowadays. sighs. </div>
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P/S: I'm pretty sure this deserves a thorough dissection, though I'm really just doing this while taking a break from the eng life, so yeah. Perhaps another time.Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-38841800442902278462014-09-16T01:36:00.001-04:002015-08-10T09:40:23.394-04:00Some thoughts before I get insanely busy againI realized I wasn't as idealistic as I was back in my high school days. I tend to retreat to the background, focusing on getting my share of the pie of reality. Maybe even indifferent sometimes. Or perhaps I was just uninspired ?<br />
<br />
I feel like I'm on the cusp of that age where I can actually make meaningful change, realizing those teenage ideals, and that age where performance really matters and will determine what comes next for me.<br />
<br />
I do notice though, some of my peers who I once spoke of ideals with actually carrying on with it, even initiating movements, while some remain in the background, and some other peers, who, during school, didn't really tried standing out as much, but have started their own movement. It's surreal.<br />
<br />
There's several groups in which my peers choose to gravitate to, especially for those studying overseas. I must mention the UK, the middle east, which have very prominent student organization activities.<br />
<br />
Well, I suppose, every individual has their own reason to participate in such activities and I do not wish to be critical of it. It could be for kicks, to kill time, to enhance their credentials on their resume, spend more time with friends, networking, or even for sincerely believing in furthering their cause, whatever it may be.<br />
<br />
Back when I was in school, the elders often warned us youngsters of being in a vulnerable position at this current age I'm in. Exposed to God knows what doctrines, by God knows what groups.<br />
<br />
So far, I've been observant, but I am impartial to any groups, and I don't endorse anything, not openly, yet. Though I do lose out in the networking/resume-building/socializing aspect of it. I wonder if it was a wise move.<br />
<br />
And it's funny even in my observations, I see my own circle of friends choosing their own groups of friends and acquaintances, how their circle has evolved out side of our old one.<br />
<br />
Though, to be honest, it's nice to be part of a group with like-minded individuals who are actually on your wavelength whom you can share your thoughts with and they'd get you. I'd craved for such company all this while, though at the same time I was glad I grew up with different kinds of people, and often I ended up being the oddball and frustrated that people don't get me, but on the bright side, at least I learned some semblance of tolerance and openness from the experience.<br />
<br />
Though I feel like over the years, I've really mellowed and perhaps, giving into my current situation in trying to find my place in the real world, I've probably stopped being as idealistic as I was in school, but sometimes, coming across groups of peers speaking of the things I once mused does remind me of the good days and gave me hope there are perhaps other people like me, or other people who believe in the same cause I once fervently did, and are making a change, or at least, materializing those ideas.<br />
<br />
So, would it not make sense for me to reignite that old flame within me and join a cause that I believed in ? Is this not the chance to make a difference, to pursue one's hearts desires with like-minded people ? I don't know why I am holding back. I don't know why I remain skeptical. Or maybe simply passive ? Or disinterested ?<br />
<br />
Truth be told, until I find some sort of sense of settling down in this uncertain reality, I don't think I could really occupy myself with other thoughts. I know, it doesn't feel like the best way to live, being constantly in a state of anxiety, but I guess it's just the survival instincts that keep you on your toes, and I'm not really one to go with the flow of things.<br />
<br />
So, yes, this may not be my most eloquent post, but I've been meaning to write this for quite a while but I couldn't bring myself to pen it down. There were several times I'd open a new blog post window, type, backspace, retype and end up discarding the draft. I couldn't actually put it in proper words, but once I started writing, it just flowed.<br />
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Alright, I guess for now, there's not really a resolution to this thought, but I'll keep it where it is for now. I'm not going to make a stand until I find my own footing.Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-31381845685369509072014-09-05T19:37:00.000-04:002015-08-10T09:40:23.391-04:00Summer Introspection. An End.So, the new semester's officially started, and it almost feels bittersweet. I'm back in the grind and I'm anticipating the sweat and tears ahead that await me for the last two semesters I have, inshaAllah.<br />
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I can't believe I spent a full 4 months of not doing anything academic or career-related in Canada (not that I've ever had anything career-related in the past summers). It feels surreal because just last summer I was telling myself that I'm halfway through, now I'm almost done.<br />
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First two months was basically the Vancouver trip which I've put off blogging about, Bruce Peninsula trip, last minute bonding with the graduating seniors, and recuperating from a brutal third year which I really did stretch myself to my limit. I'm about to do that again for the capstone and this weekend I basically have to start crunching my mental cogwheels and come up with a plan and a direction, not to mention reviewing all the math I left behind for 4 months as it looks like 4th year will be full speed ahead with no more first few weeks of review, and all the labs will be turned up a notch too because it's project-based and not on a "follow instructions and sketch what you see in the oscilloscope" basis anymore. 4th year will be the real test, as my third year labs has still been of the "follow instructions and sketch what you see in the oscilloscope" kind.<br />
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On top of all that, I have to keep up with datelines, which I really hate. And the inevitability of facing the future, after the cycle of coaxing myself that I have to go through all this suffering and early mental preparation for the sake of a better future, and putting off making any decisions thinking that I'd still have time. No one is holding my hand this time, and I'm being thrust into the unknown.<br />
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To emphasize the solitary-ness of this path I now walk, I came onto campus grounds, most of my friends has gone to internship, with little to no familiar faces, and again I'm thrust into the unknown.<br />
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Though, to be honest, I'm torn being wanting to where I really want to be, and desperately wanting to survive what reality demands of me.<br />
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I hope that God give me strength that I could stay on top of it all, and get through this.<br />
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Second two months of summer was basically fasting, staying home, playing games, and the last two weeks was purely hanging out and revisiting the places I'd been way back in my first summer in Canada, though in retrospect, this is only my third summer. So, it's not that many summers. However, my memories of the seasons usually bleed into each other and whatever I did in any seasons almost seem indistinguishable, and interchangeable. </div>
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I've always aimed to work hard in all my time that I had here I formed a tunnel vision, and only after the end of this summer I realized how many people I've taken for granted, thinking I still have many seasons to go, and several whom I realized I haven't spoken to for a whole year, and I panic thinking I'd only have a year left, and it's the year I'm supposed to be in even more of a tunnel vision as I make the last sprint to the finish line. This is where I have to put everything on the line, and give it my all, I don't have time for anything else. Youth is for working hard so you'd have a good life when you're old.</div>
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I have to find where my heart is. Am I taking it too seriously ? It is the time to take things seriously ain't it ? Have I not been taking it seriously all this while ? </div>
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Summer has ended and I'm left feeling a little uneasy as compared to my other summers. Did I just let it slip away ? Did I spend it well ? </div>
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Had I always been living here, summers just come and go, you miss this summer, the next one's always coming, but no, I am not given that luxury. I am counting seasons and I am in uncertainty, as I personally hadn't been able to clearly visualize myself being part of the grind back home, not that I'm saying that I deserve better and that crunching away in a foreign country is better, because "better" is relative. </div>
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Have my three years of thinking and musing and planning and working away going to be for naught because I falter at the finish line ? </div>
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I've always been alone all these years, but this is the most alone so far that I've ever felt, and once I step out of the university bubble, it's every man for himself, and I wonder if I'm ever ready for it. </div>
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I know what I have to do, but I can feel my knees shaking thinking to myself I don't want to be the one who does not know what I'm doing. </div>
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Here's to a new semester, Mac. </div>
Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362778.post-11647382685122389692014-08-04T16:33:00.003-04:002015-08-10T09:40:23.388-04:00The Gaming ExperimentI've never been a gamer. Ever. My dad has taught me well that games are a waste of time. Back in the days, the PC was off limits and I don't dare use it, but that was the time when laptops wasn't the norm and my pops would be using the PC. Now in the time of laptops, people are sitting in front of their laptops from the moment they wake to the moment they retire to sleep so the desktop is free for non-laptop-owning people a.k.a. kids who are not yet in university that own laptops for work.<br />
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Even so, I am not one to be so driven to play games either. My hand-eye coordination sucks and I quit at every difficulty stumbled, and the fact that I could "die" and be revived in games, sometimes leave me abandoning my game character to die to end the game without even putting up a fight. Even in my playing style I tend to recklessly rush in and hack and slash my way which is why any form of upgrades I select in the game is to enhance my character's health or shield or health regeneration.<br />
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Recently, I've acquired my own console, and I had so much free time, it appealed to my reasoning that I might as well kill time with this, and I don't have to worry about overworking my laptop by playing high graphics games on it because I could do so on the console, and so, the gaming experiment began.<br />
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I tried a few games, but I was most addicted with Bioshock Infinite and Skyrim. I was addicted for real, I would play for a whole week for the whole day and then I'd realize my addiction and I'd suddenly stop. Currently I've stopped playing for a few days to get my life back into order in time for the school year.<br />
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I played Bioshock Infinite on Easy level, well, mainly because I wasn't confident of my skill, but I played the whole thing to the end. It's pretty much scripted all the way as it's based on a story line, so to know what happens next, you need to keep playing, and I guess it's like an interactive movie. The graphics were beautiful. I've never been a fan of zombie games because of 1) I'm scared of zombies 2) I hate the dingy decaying dilapidated deserted towns surroundings. Bioshock Infinite has a lot of open spaces, is well-lit, whimsical and colorful. I could just "walk" around in the game, sometimes I forgot I could even sprint from danger, while admiring the scenery around me, and I liked the characters in the game too. I just had to play it to the end to know the whole story and what happened to the characters. Of course, its plot elements and themes revolving around Science and Philosophy appealed my academic side, so, apart from pure fun and enjoyment, I enjoyed googling up the concepts after I play the game. It just hits the right bookish buttons in me, although on the gaming side I am really terrible at shooters. I'm a slash and hack type, and I don't aim very well while moving and taking cover. If it were a stealth kill shooting I'm probably better at that because nothing will be rapidly moving.<br />
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Skyrim's enjoyment mostly came from the fact that it's an open world and there's gazillion places to go to and gazillion things to do, and the scenery is insanely beautiful, although not as colorful. I could just not do anything in the game and watch the aurora in the night sky, but of course, some random beast would interrupt my sky-gazing session. And, you can freaking kill dragons and feel badass about it. Though, I could easily kill dragons but I die from a regular old sabre cat scratch -.-. Apart from the graphics, I also appreciated the work put into the AI's. Reading about how the developers tried to code in random events and what the vast characters in the town do to keep the game fresh or "organic" was the term they used was really interesting, and also, appealed to my academic side. The fact that you could interact with a character, make choices and change the character's disposition towards you is really interesting. Also, because of the extensive coding, the game gets buggy too, and the bugs are always fun. The only thing that probably disturbed me about Skyrim was probably the immoral things you do in it. Well, you don't have to do it in the game even though you can, but it probably won't get you far, and you probably just tell yourself it's just a game. Like, you can be a real douchebag and do whatever you want to an NPC (non-playable character), ranging from pickpocket to kill, just for kicks, but of course, if you commit crimes and you're caught, you could still go to jail in the game.<br />
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It's kind of weird how games get really violent, or are purposely violent. Yes, I am not in favor of the argument that games cause people to be violent in real life and inspire them to go killing, but it makes me wonder why are they made, mostly, to be violent. Why do people find the fun in violently killing characters in the game ?<br />
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There was one part in Skyrim, SPOILER ALERT, I helped out a priest, but in part of the same quest later on, I was supposed to lure him to a cannibal party. I had the option to either save him and kill all the cannibals or kill him and/or eat him. I couldn't possibly kill all the cannibals at that level cuz I don't do so well against magic-based opponents, so I killed a priest in his sleep, which already made me feel bad, and then, I had the option to either leave or eat him. If I eat him, I become a cannibal and I will be granted a ring that will allow me to eat flesh from dead opponents to regain health (which, of course, gaining health from killed opponents is right up my alley to make up for my impulsive hack and slash personality). So yeah, either ways, in real life, they would be terrible things to do. Maybe I'm just thinking too much because it's just a game, but even if it is in a simulated reality, the fact that you could make those horrible decisions which you probably won't do in real life can sometimes be disturbing, because you didn't have to do it, you were given an in-game choice not to, but you'd do it anyway either for the fun of it or for the rewards.<br />
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And the fact that people are trying to improve game graphics to make it look even more real, and gory, that's kind of disturbing too when the kill happens. Like, I can't take a kill that results in green colored goo spewing out as blood that seriously, but when human-looking things die it's a bit weird. Another weird thing I find is that I could face human opponents no problem, but when it comes to zombies it's a little creepy. Technically, if I went by that logic, I shouldn't be able to take killing zombies as seriously because they look less human than human characters. Then again, should only humans be morally disturbing to kill in games ?<br />
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I don't know why aside from the fun side of things, I'm putting on an academic moral lens while playing games. I guess, I'm not truly a gamer at heart as I still see it not purely for fun, but rather more as a study of human psychology and behavior when engaged in playing games. I guess technology does unlock a different dimension for human psychology to develop, because the virtual reality that is created in games can be made to mimic reality itself, but not quite.<br />
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Like when I stop to look at scenery in the game or "talk" to NPC's, you know they're not real, but the way you can appreciate the almost "real-ness" quality of the virtual world makes you want to "explore" it even more as if it really does exist in some kind of space or plane of existence. It's really weird.<br />
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Most people probably don't think this much about games than I do, or maybe I just miss reading or thinking or writing about philosophical stuff. I'm just. That kind of person.<br /><br />Update : recently, my in-game spouse (yes, apparently you can get married) in Skyrim was accidentally killed in action. It's really weird how the finality of the "death" hits me when I realize how weird it is coming home to an empty house without having that character around for generic conversations. Apparently, it's pro-monogamy too and I can't remarry. It's so weird how things have transpired in this game and how it almost imitates concepts in real life that affects the player. Spooky.Nanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13801361491660969714noreply@blogger.com0