Transience

feather-light breath nape-tracing anticipating velvet-soft lips slight brush teasing gentle warmth body duvet embracing cautious contact skin meets skin titillating intoxication impending touch, electrifying a little death, breathe.

Hallo Leute, I haven't been on this blog for ages! More than a year perhaps? My last post was in 2016. I thought I'd have given up on blogging, but recently Twitter switched to 280 characters limit and I have been making full use of it, then I thought to myself, if I wanted to write verbosely, I could have just blogged about it right. I could use Facebook too, I guess, but recently, I'm not too into Facebook, and I think no one much really comes by my blog, so, I guess, my blog is the best place. 2016 was a roller coaster and 2017 is a continuation of that and there's only about a month left in 2017, and I'm probably in the most stressful stage of my Master's and it will continue soon up to early next year. Idk I've not been enjoying this journey so far. Everything I feared back in 2014 came back to haunt me. I had always been so sure of myself from a young age wanting to go into academia and when I'm actually here with it staring it in my face, I'...

I just realized I haven't had a 2016 post. I haven't been on blogger lately cuz well, I haven't written any full pieces because well, my thoughts are not coherent for the past half a year, and I've generally been busy with life. I also pretty much spew everything on Facebook and then feel bad afterwards but when I actually have the space for long extended posts on my blog, I just can't write jack shit. Today I feel like writing for some reason, but it's pretty much gonna be freestyle and a mishmash of different things. The first thought that comes to my mind when I decided to write this is how I wish I stop wanting things, would that not make my life a lot more peaceful? Maybe not wanting things leave you with no drive or motivation, so there must be some balance some where, but if wanting things make me so unhappy when I don't get them, is the solution to just not want anything at all? I want things but I don't put in the effort, and it's not gonna ...

I just realized I haven't been here a while. So today I was buyin' Dominoes pizza and this guy followed me from Maybank. I saw him outside Maybank and he came into Dominoes after me. Basically his story is he gotta pay for medical expenses cuz he got beat up and lost his money, I could see his black eye, and he was trynna get money from sellin' some printouts with some kalimah for 20 ringgit, of course he asked me first if I was muslim. In my mind, I would like to tell him I wasn't, because, well, that's kind of the easiest way I brush off people who ask me if I had religious beliefs. So, after he told me his story, I would have just you know brushed him off as I usually do to hecklers, and who knows how legit is his story, I've had too many experiences being duped, he said he really needed it cuz he was hungry, so I just offered to buy him a pizza, that's usually my SOP when it came to people like this back in Canada (if they weren't legit, they'd r...

I feel like going into interviews in Malaysia, a Canadian degree is quite eye-catching because not a lot of people are sent there. Biomedical engineering although not as numerous, but thanks to UM, it is a pretty popular degree. I am glad, very, very glad McMaster tacked on Electrical to the Biomedical Engineering degree. It opens up a lot more options here to also apply for electrical engineering jobs, since jobs that are explicitly Biomedical Engineering is non-existent, or at least, reserved for people with postgraduate degrees. One thing I realized about engineering jobs is that it's quite diverse. You either go into a specialized position that works in one team and working directly with the technology or you're more of a bridge between different teams and take on a more leadership role because you'd already have technicians who take on the main role of implementing the technology. In the latter, it requires a big picture view as compared to the details, although knowin...

Life gets harder as you grow older. Decisions aren't clear cut. There are repercussions for any which way you decide. You just choose to be sad or happy about it and try to count your blessings and try to live with either one of your decisions. I was scared of failing, but I was more scared if I succeeded. Sometimes when I went for interviews I just thought to myself, I'm going to try, but I hope my effort wasn't good enough and there's always someone out there way better than me, because I was scared of what happens after. I don't know how I'd deal with it. I'd be overwhelmed. I'd have to be committed to the new reality, whereas if I failed, I'd retain the status quo. Nothing gained, nothing changed. I could go on doing "what if" scenarios in my head without actually living it and face consequences. That was how, I thought, I could live multiple realities at once. Maybe that was why I kept sabotaging myself. When I finally let go, and just...

Gentle, lightly falling snow from pallid skies Frozen lakes, lonely trees on an all too familiar trail A photograph of beautiful transience Warm chocolate streams and pillow-soft waffles And banal conversations over coffee Dying rays of light through the window pane  As we watch the orange change to amber change to black The quiet, understated things that touches hearts and memories cherish. I would like to call that love. -12.13 am, Oct 2nd 2015, K.L.

I don't even know where to start. Which thread of thoughts do I want to pursue first. Well, it's more than two months after my homecoming. A lot has happened and several Facebook status updates has passed regarding my latest preoccupations, ranging from re-accustoming myself to local culture and geography to socio-political and religious commentary. The first month was pretty much all the Ramadan and Raya festivities. I'd only started looking for jobs in August and it has continued to present. I've been so busy going in and out of interviews, applying here and there. I'd even put my otaku-no, anime-watching activities on hold. Currently, I'm only following the remnants of Ore Monogatari! and Shokugeki no Souma. I'd really like to do a series of separate posts about the thoughts I was preoccupied with, but I don't know when is that going to happen, and I'm probably on the verge of starting a job anytime now.  I've only been posting short ...

I wrote this way back in May 2013, but I never published it.  I should probably write this down before I forget. This whole of second year has been a disconcerting, yet humbling experience for me. Forget school for a moment, but it goes a lot deeper than that. First year, I would say, I was pretty carefree of a lot of things. Too carefree in fact, that I lulled myself into a sense of security. Come second year I realized, have I been sleeping all this while ? Why is it that I'd only started realizing things now, after a whole year have passed ? And even after that, I realized that I thought I've seen it all, I could handle everything, but I was wrong. I had overestimated myself, and it made me realize there's more to being grown up than just paying bills, living alone without the hu-ha's that you usually have as teenagers. Being grown up is also about respecting others. It's about being considerate and not taking advantage of other people's kindness. I...

aku pulang merapatkan jarak fizikal namun terbentuknya jurang baharu di antara kita

ephemeral like the floating particles in the pouring sunlight through dusty curtains in a long-emptied room but filled with an air of loss and lingering sense of regret after your departure -KL, 3.07 am, Aug 26, 2015

Homecoming My love is the color of sunsets Though worn from travel and toil, "I'm home!" I'd call from the distance Running into your embrace and there I would stay through the night My love is the morning dew As the daylight comes, it is renewed Lingering in timelessness Again, I get lost in you Your love is my refuge My center of gravity You, the one I come home to. KL, 1.41pm, Aug 11, 2015.

kusangka sisa sampah sarap di jalanan terburai butir-butir nasi dijamah dirona merah sambal bungkusan dicarik rakus binatang buas kelaparan  lalat turut menghurung berpesta rupanya kuteliti kulihat mata yang tertutup milik bangkai rupa manusia I stopped cuz my command of Malay for literature purposes is still lacking and I couldn't express what I wanted to express the way I want to. So I guess this is a work in progress. 

Absence. I am the empty seat. The unoccupied side of the bed. The clothes that don't see the light of day In a dusty wardrobe. That distance not traversed. I am, oft, absent. but I want to be that cup of coffee That sits on your desk. As you write your letters. Once a while you will look at me. And hold me. I hope this warmth would suffice. In absence of mine. KL, 9.18 pm, Aug 10th, 2015.

                                                                                                       I will revisit this one day. Properly. Implications of the Interpretations of Islam: Comparative Gender Studies in Ayaan Hirsi Ali’s Infidel and Davar Ardalan’s My Name Is Iran . Nurul Kamilah Mat Kamil 1007C10614 Period 3 ENG4U Mr. S. Wise May 5, 2011            The status of Islam‘s relevance and compatibility to modern context such as individual women’s rights is a debatable issue. Presently, in Muslim communities, discrepancies in gender equ...

My blurb was featured here .  But I actually did a full writeup for all the questions. So I suppose, this was the full thing that I came up with if it suits your fancy.  Nurul Kamilah Mat Kamil, McMaster University, Canada, Electrical and Biomedical Engineering, B.Eng 1.       How much did you change as a person as the result of your overseas education? I am definitely not the same person as I was when I left the country. Although there was little to no physical changes (I have not grown any taller nor gained any weight as my friends can testify), there is a big change in my outlook of the world. Being in contact with people of different cultures and different backgrounds abroad has widened my perspectives. It has given me an opportunity to be exposed to different sides of the same story. For example, having known people who have actually emigrated from war-torn countries or refugees in Canada. You get a first-hand account of the goings-on and...

Apa perasaan balik for good? Well, I didn't sleep the night before huha huha main game. Naik kereta gi airport huha huha nyanyi nyanyi lagi. Sampai airport too sleepy to feel anything and unimpressed with pearson. Masa nak masuk security check I felt a weight in the pit of my stomach, my knees grew weak and my steps were heavy but the rest of me felt too light that I could fall apart with a single poke. It finally dawned on me I was leaving. Half of me was scared of being late while half of me wanted to stay a little longer but was wary about shedding tears too soon. I couldn't cry then and I wanted to go away as soon as possible to avoid the crying and attachment but as I made the straight march to the door I kept looking back regretting rushing to go and not lingering a little longer. I was also hoping that I'd see those familiar faces, hoping that I could turn around and run back to them, go back home and continue playing games but I had to look forward at what's nex...

So school's ended for me for undergrad and it seems I am becoming nocturnal in the summer and my recent activities include poring over reading materials that I never had the liberty of perusing through them during the last two years of my engineering undergraduate career. I am unfortunately most effective at reading and ruminating around the wee hours in the morning, so I adapted this nocturnal sleeping pattern. My recent reading material happens to be Raden Mas' Hidup Bertuhan Hidup Beragama. I don't normally read philosophical texts in Malay, so this is a first. I thought about writing it in Malay because some terms are best described in Malay, though I personally feel that my capacity to express my thoughts in Malay is limited since I myself have thought processes in English and I made English annotations during my read through, but I will do to the best of my ability to unpack what I've read. I read through it twice. I usually read through once, but lately I hav...

my sadness is the  red orange yellow bleeding into each other streaking across the lapis lazuli sky as the sun sets in the horizon my melancholy is the ebony platinum silk the muted cloak that drapes over the earth in her instance of ethereal solitude as my sights feast on these exquisite images my insides ache keeping these feelings from breaking the seams overflowing inundating rivers of listless fervor this tired soul yearns to taste life again -N.K., Hamilton, 11.40 pm, 10/19/14

I guess, God loved you more.