Saturday, February 16, 2008

Depression Nation

I'm not crazy, i'm just alittle unwell
I know, but right now you can't tell
just stay a while and maybe then you'll see a different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, but right now you don't care

-Matchbox 20, Unwell-

wow, what a negative note to start the year! Honestly, i feel very flabberghasted this year. It has been emotionally overwhelming. I feel that my incapability to handle stress might lead to my eventual downfall. I feel stressed out for many things. i do not know why my confidence has suddenly ceased to exist. or why does my talent is rapidly tarnishing. Have I not had them at all after all this while? have i just hallucinated of their possession. i do not know why I have such low self-esteem. Apparently, my fear of failure has overcome all the good things in me and I am left as a hollow husk of a man. the once oh-so-brilliant star now a hopeless nincompoop. what is wrong with me? why am i being so negative? i am not expecting an answer, but i feel too overwhelmed to handle everything. i feel like I'm falling apart and I'm scared to death of what is to become of me. i doubt my own capabilities(if I ever had any in the first place!) and I can't trust myself to do anything anymore. that belief, that competence, that reliability..all gone now..why? I keep asking myself why and even if I did know why, i wouldn't know how to fix this cndition. Am I doomed to be permanently hopeless like this? I need help, but I do not know if there will be any. i'm stressed out and in despair and nervous and agitated and frustrated with myself.why? why can't i do better? why do I always make a fool of myself? why is it that I am so uncomfortable with myself? why am i unhappy. I don't even know what my passion is now. I only know the feeling I get when my efforts all result to know avail. I am an embarrassment. I am a disgrace. Why must I continue to be like this. I've tried, but I have failed. I feel so frustrated with myself! I cannot embrace who I am! I hate this!!!!!