Saturday, March 15, 2014


I'm pretty sure talk of the recent international crisis that transpired is still prevalent, and unanswered questions plagued much of the minds of the souls who have access to updates on the event.

I rather not say anything for I do not want speculations/unwarranted opinions to aggravate the situation and any opinions I'd have is probably pointless and worth zilch unless for the sake of my own self expression. I wish to remove myself from the behavior of my peers who fervently jump on every chance to rant about something in which the outcome is not definitive as of yet.

My judgment tells me that the only best course of action is to pray, and put faith in the higher power and the powers directly involved in the efforts themselves.

*Aside: The only time I'd ever been hesitant of using hash tags*

Wednesday, January 01, 2014

backward glance, forward thrust

Just cuz I haven't posted a picture of myself in a while in this blog. Heck I haven't posted pictures in a while.

How's that to kick start the year with a picture from last year ?

Tuesday, December 31, 2013


Kind of a recap and reflection, although to be honest I find it hard to distinguish events in the winter of December 2012 and January 2013 due to the way the academic year works in Canada.

This year I have :

1. learnt a great deal about living with people, what with all the house drama
2. tried out for a job interview, hopefully my next experience would be getting a job and earning my own money itself. to be honest, I'm pretty scared, but I'm taking baby steps.
3. I looked for a new house myself. I had it easy in first year and now I get a taste of what it's like figuring things out on your own
4. finished off second year and found out that third year really is as hard as they say. even though I tried my best to plan things I still ended up with 5 exams in a row, that was the least I've slept all my life. It really made me work hard.
5. finally missed home after a full 2 years being abroad
6. found the experience of returning home and coming back to Canada to be, literally, a perspective changing one. Sometimes, you just need to go home once in a while to put your experiences abroad in context and see the bigger picture of how it also affected the people close to you, and what changed or stayed the same along the way. I came home not really the same person and I left home again an even more different person.
7. I touched cadavers cuz I'm learning anatomy. Dear little me of the past, you got your taste of what medicine is like.
8. I actually signed up for SELECT. which is really out of character considering how much I was adamant on not participating in anything.
9. I felt a little empty, maybe a little doubt of how I'm living my life, I tried to rediscover my passion for drawing and poetry, try out new things to hopefully, make my experiences a bit more rich. I haven't exactly found what I'm looking for, but at least I started the search.
10. I find some improvement in trying to understand people around me.
11. I freaking made nasi lemak, onde-onde and butir nangka for the first time.
12. I read at least 3 books, which is an improvement compared to last year, but still far from my old bookworm self.
13. I made a proper snowman. Two, actually, one in Guelph, and one at my new house in Hamilton. and I went to the Warplane Museum.

and that concludes, 2013.

Intermission 2

I wrote an Intermission 1, but decided against publishing it.

Lately I realized that I'm holding back against expressing everything. There are some things that the world doesn't need to know, and there are better outlets for self-expression that allow for better control of your audience, and sometimes some things are better left not verbalized. And of course, what with now the companies keep tabs on your online activity. It's the same with my Facebook. My default privacy is only me, only when I feel like showing some thing, do I customize the privacy setting, so what you see, is what I intend you to see. At times, I just delete whatever I just posted as I judge it inappropriate or unnecessary. You can sort of say, I am trying to become a social media recluse, and reducing my internet presence, for fear that I might unintentionally expose myself, not that I have anything to hide, but you never know.

I also have a detachment to blogging and twitter. You can say my activity has stagnated. I've wanted to blog in a while, as always, the ideas always come when you're most busy with work, but you never get around to it, but when you have all the time on your hands, it's harder to happen because you've lapsed into rest and inactivity. This blog post finally came through after days on end of stagnant ideas and inspiration.

My winter break and the year of 2013 is drawing to a close, as of yet, I feel that I am falling short of my goals this break. I really hope the long 3 weeks is enough rest to replenish my strength for another insane semester.

I really should learn to count my blessings, but at the same time, my instincts are telling me that I'm stagnant. That I'm not doing enough. That it's not that I'm doing good, but it's just not good enough. It gets to a point where you're creatively uninspired, almost stuck in a routine of chasing deadlines. Physically, emotionally and mentally challenged by the constraint of time and resources, but because it succumbed to being routine, it gets boring. Though you feel you're being stretched to the limit, yet, you're not being challenged enough.

My professor said work puts you into a routine, and you get bored, which is why you shouldn't settle for one job, even if it's something you love to do or is your dream job, and you need to change every 5 years and challenge yourself. Which is why grad school is the way to go, well, of course he's also promoting doing grad school cuz he's part of it.

Of course, at the same time, I also wonder if I'm living my life right. Is everything going according to everything that I painstakingly plan ? Do I actually have it all figured out ? Do I actually know what I'm doing ? The more I go along, the more I feel scared, because no matter how desperately I try to plan, I can't foresee everything, and I'm paranoid that I may overlook any details or took anything for granted that could be detrimental to the outcome because I was caught unawares and unprepared to cope with the uncertainties.

Sometimes I can't let go that for some courses that people say are an easy-12, I always fall short by one grade, yet for harder courses, even though I am no where near the top, but I can do more than pass the course, when a lot of others fail. I sort of at the end of the day end up averaged out with a decent mark, although it may not be enough to be where I need, want and expect to be. I don't know if I've pushed myself enough or if I've reached my limit to keep pushing.

University isn't at all like high school. Back in high school, although you know what was at stake, all you had to do was do well, and think of nothing else. In this time, not only do you need to think about that, but you have to think about getting a job, and you need to do a lot more than just attend university to build your skill set.

As they say, it certainly does get harder in the latter years of undergraduate, and it's an uphill climb from now on to the end. I do hope that I survive with enough to get by to the next level, even if it's by the skin of my teeth. As I go on, somehow a lot more questions are raised than are the questions I had were answered.

As of late I was susceptible to hesitation, followed by an "ahh..never mind" which led to my plans not coming to fruition and my actions not followed up.

There was just something that left me unsatisfied, that I feel that I need to keep going to know more. I've always thought that university would have all the answers, it would be the ends of knowledge that I seek when I was young, but the more I learn, the more I realize there's a lot of things that I still don't know, and to get there, I have no choice but to soldier on. At one point, I wonder that through this toil, did I sacrifice anything important ? Did I forsake anything important for my goal ?

I've always believed that balance was important, and possible. That you could enjoy the toil, because at the end of the day that's what builds character and when you look back at it, you wouldn't regret it because that was what brought you where you are.

Well, I thought of finishing this, but the night has grown weary. I guess I'll end it here and I just have to soldier on. It's the last day of 2013. I do hope 2014 will be another good year.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

End of The Term

My neck, shoulder, back, hip hurts from being hunched over my laptop reading notes 24/7. When I study really intensely, you can see me poring over my notes and my brows furrowing looking at the screen.

Third year has been really, really tough and I feel being stretched to my physical, mental and emotional limit. Exams coming soon and it's back to back, and it's time for me to hermitize and disappear until it ends.

Pray that I survive this.

Till then.

Saturday, November 16, 2013


Writing poetry a lot lately. I don't know why the inspiration just comes in bursts. The previous ones are about a person who's having regrets and who is a little afraid to love. This one is about a person obsessed with another person, right at the other end of the spectrum. Kind of busy with school, but some thoughts that I push to the back of my mind sometimes resurfaces at the weirdest times. I guess writing poetry helps me to sort it out and get it out of the system, and just let those "characters" speak through the poems. Some of the characters represent the different thoughts I have, some of them are basically other characters that I observe and then I wear their shoes for the time. These different characters take on multiple perspectives and may be divergent from each other. So, at times it seems like "I" have split personalities. I just like writing in first person, so there's lots of "I's". For this one, this "I" came up cuz I find that people morph into really weird creatures when they're blindingly in love. I see that in people I've been with, in myself at some degree, which I really hate and try to control, and also in some of my friends. It makes me wonder if all humans are generally susceptible to this or it depends on the individual, or if it's just specific to the individual, or if it's inherent. I wonder if there really is a "rational" way to love that makes sense. I mean, infatuations are for the high school kiddies, surely it must get progressively more mature as you age aite ? Or is it that same kind of madness through and through but takes on a different manifestation ? Oh and stuff in this poem is highly exaggerated, so, it's not particularly representative of my current reality. 

I swear it must be some kind of madness
I see your jacket in the crowd
And my tongue itches with your name
Boy I friggin know what this is
In case you haven’t heard
I’m fallin for you once again

Now excuse me you should be aware
In my mind I’m entitled to you now
Your calls, your attention, and your presence
You can’t run away, don’t you dare
I’m getting to you, I don’t care how
I want you and all of your essence

No I’m not sick in the head
I’m just a little too obsessed about you
Maybe a little territorial too
Now don’t be afraid
Cuz worship and devotion
Is all I’m gonna do for you

I swear it must be some kind of madness
I’m losing my sense of self
And all I think of is getting close to you
Boy I friggin know what this is
To call it love’s not enough
Don’t you know I’m enslaved to you

But then you tell me you’re setting me free
Don’t get me wrong
To possess you in entirety
I’d have given up my individuality
A kind of a Faustian deal
And I’m just giving in

I swear it must be some kind of madness
Your face is etched in my mind
And your voice oh it rings in my ear
Boy I friggin know what this is
I get it all the time
This madness for you, dear