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Hallo Leute,

I haven't been on this blog for ages! More than a year perhaps? My last post was in 2016. I thought I'd have given up on blogging, but recently Twitter switched to 280 characters limit and I have been making full use of it, then I thought to myself, if I wanted to write verbosely, I could have just blogged about it right. I could use Facebook too, I guess, but recently, I'm not too into Facebook, and I think no one much really comes by my blog, so, I guess, my blog is the best place. 2016 was a roller coaster and 2017 is a continuation of that and there's only about a month left in 2017, and I'm probably in the most stressful stage of my Master's and it will continue soon up to early next year. Idk I've not been enjoying this journey so far. Everything I feared back in 2014 came back to haunt me. I had always been so sure of myself from a young age wanting to go into academia and when I'm actually here with it staring it in my face, I'm starting to doubt if I'm really cut out for it after all. I mean Idk when I stopped being passionate and when it started becoming a chore and I can't seem to get out of it. At one point I just realized that I have no idea what I want to do in academia and I don't care about it. And having to state your interests when applying for grad school or looking for supervisors make me nervous if they find out that I don't really care much about the research, I'm just doing it to finish my degree. In undergrad it was easy because it was compulsory anyway. "Just getting through it" was a no-brainer. It's not the same in grad school. Working was also a no-brainer pretty much, you do it for the salary and then in your free time you can indulge. Idk I've been thinking hard about what interests me or what I'm passionate about and I got nothing. I got nothing since 2014 and it makes me feel so dead. Sometimes I feel like hey maybe I could get into this, and not long after it quickly becomes a drag. Trying to keep my hopes up thinking hey maybe this is my calling, maybe I'll finally be happy with this always ends up with me being disappointed with myself. I always think that I shouldn't think so hard and just be happy with whatever I have, try to make the most of it, think more positively, but I don't feel anything. It just feels like a drag and I get scared of being found out that I don't care. I don't know what happened to me. I used to care now, I feel like a husk. I just want to live and die. I feel like I don't have any desire, save for sexual desires, and I just need to "get through things", and I can't stop being self-critical to the point where it's affecting my ability to do work. I've been trying to get psychological help, the last time I went idk why I ended up putting up a front and looking like I'm ok and they let me off saying I don't really need it cuz I'm not at the point of being clinically depressed yet. I don't want to be assessed as being clinically depressed but I've not been myself for a long time. Years. And sometimes I wish I had some kind of drug that would just numb my thoughts so that I stop thinking self-defeating thoughts. Sometimes I read the stuff I post on fb and my blog from 2013, even up to 2014, I could still be positive about life, I don't know what happened to me that I became this way. I know I felt a void in me even in those years, but I could still somewhat, live with it. 2015 was different though. I think there was something inherently wrong when I couldn't feel any satisfaction and pride with my work, and it's still eating me to today. And from then on, I feel like things keep going downhill for me and the void gets bigger and bigger. I don't know what it is or why. Doing work used to keep my mind of the emptiness I feel, but even now work can't distract me. I started playing games, but sometimes now even playing games doesn't help, the thoughts still seep through and I become irritable and I could no longer get a temporary high from my games. It feels like any sense of reprieve is being taken away bit by bit until I'm left with nothing but dread; unable to step back and reassess the situation, and I'm really scared of deteriorating further. I need a break.


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