Transience

aku pulang merapatkan jarak fizikal namun terbentuknya jurang baharu di antara kita

ephemeral like the floating particles in the pouring sunlight through dusty curtains in a long-emptied room but filled with an air of loss and lingering sense of regret after your departure -KL, 3.07 am, Aug 26, 2015

Homecoming My love is the color of sunsets Though worn from travel and toil, "I'm home!" I'd call from the distance Running into your embrace and there I would stay through the night My love is the morning dew As the daylight comes, it is renewed Lingering in timelessness Again, I get lost in you Your love is my refuge My center of gravity You, the one I come home to. KL, 1.41pm, Aug 11, 2015.

kusangka sisa sampah sarap di jalanan terburai butir-butir nasi dijamah dirona merah sambal bungkusan dicarik rakus binatang buas kelaparan  lalat turut menghurung berpesta rupanya kuteliti kulihat mata yang tertutup milik bangkai rupa manusia I stopped cuz my command of Malay for literature purposes is still lacking and I couldn't express what I wanted to express the way I want to. So I guess this is a work in progress. 

Absence. I am the empty seat. The unoccupied side of the bed. The clothes that don't see the light of day In a dusty wardrobe. That distance not traversed. I am, oft, absent. but I want to be that cup of coffee That sits on your desk. As you write your letters. Once a while you will look at me. And hold me. I hope this warmth would suffice. In absence of mine. KL, 9.18 pm, Aug 10th, 2015.

my sadness is the  red orange yellow bleeding into each other streaking across the lapis lazuli sky as the sun sets in the horizon my melancholy is the ebony platinum silk the muted cloak that drapes over the earth in her instance of ethereal solitude as my sights feast on these exquisite images my insides ache keeping these feelings from breaking the seams overflowing inundating rivers of listless fervor this tired soul yearns to taste life again -N.K., Hamilton, 11.40 pm, 10/19/14

Recovery am I finally convalescing there's just this dull ache in my heart where you used to be I don't really feel it anymore except when I take a step forward opening a new door am I supposed to learn to coexist with this immovable torment they say you can start with a clean slate a new book but really I'm just turning a new page and I can still peek at earlier chapters I want to escape this state of catatonia let me feel again administer a stimulation to my senses so that I wake with a jolt and I can once again embrace life's fullness run abreast with the rest of the world

December 22, 2013 at 1:15pm Public Friends Friends except Acquaintances Only Me Custom McMaster family Family See all lists... interview pals junior faris McMaster Faculty of Engineering girls Taylor's College Subang Jaya McMaster University ex-sklk mates AYTR SBP/ MARA acquaintances farisian 0509 Hamilton, Ontario Area AYTR 2010 (PKTR 2009) senior faris muslims Taylor's farisian 0408 farisian 0307 cikgu faris YTM Course Sekolah Menengah Sains Tengku Muhammad Faris Petra SMS Tengku Muhammad Faris Petra Taylor's Acquaintances Go Back Like the setting sun against the gilded hills Yellow, auburn, orange, My youth is in its autumn And with it, the waning of my heart’s eloquence Could I have been all these while Regretting every time unspent And delaying the days to repent?

Tracing phrases from the dying flame Stirring the ashes as the smoke wistfully retires There’s no salvaging the passionate burns Drawing quiet utterances with bowed eyelids Drowning incoherence in the midst of purpose There’s no salvaging bruised egos Oh I suppose I could walk away with my head still underwater Words are empty, but our bodies emptier still Vessels of fleeting existence Storm clouds of unmet intentions The fool I played takes the curtain call I will nurse my regrets silently As I watch you take leave Without my overdue apologies   

Writing poetry a lot lately. I don't know why the inspiration just comes in bursts. The previous ones are about a person who's having regrets and who is a little afraid to love. This one is about a person obsessed with another person, right at the other end of the spectrum. Kind of busy with school, but some thoughts that I push to the back of my mind sometimes resurfaces at the weirdest times. I guess writing poetry helps me to sort it out and get it out of the system, and just let those "characters" speak through the poems. Some of the characters represent the different thoughts I have, some of them are basically other characters that I observe and then I wear their shoes for the time. These different characters take on multiple perspectives and may be divergent from each other. So, at times it seems like "I" have split personalities. I just like writing in first person, so there's lots of "I's". For this one, this "I" came up c...

If it could be some form of consolation To make you feel a little good about yourself It’s not that you said certain things wrong Or that I’m not someone that you deserve It’s just that the magic goes away With the proclamation of love It could be that I’m of a fickle mind And I don’t really think things through I don’t mean to be unkind, But can I un-choose you? Perhaps it doesn’t take effect on me That words have weight And that do-overs don’t come without Unscathed egos and unrealized gratifications I guess I'm a little aversive to dependence and I'm addicted to the solitude after all. it’s something about the cease of thrill The complacence The reassurance The security The closure The illusory forever-ness The stagnancy That comes with the emotionally-charged declaration Forgive me for being the cynic Believer of the absurd But it really is the end of the magic When I say those words Perhaps I chose the less...

All those lingering glances Are cause for ponder And existential contemplations Were they fleeting chances That I’d let wander Due to an excess of reason ? How could I sleep at night When occupied with could-have-beens Though I never stopped myself From not even trying These are self-inflicted wounds To my own psyche Demons I'd conjured from my mind to put my own heart in confines Burning bridges I’d wanted to cross Just because I'm afraid of falling Can you hold me for a moment So I don't come under Can you hold my hand a little while So that I no longer wander

You were the breath caught in my throat, The unconfident lies that I spoke,  I’m pretty sure it was obvious, The betrayal of my face To what my heart feels That I tried not hard enough to conceal. I’m pretty sure the awkward smile that broke on my lips Made naked my pleasure of seeing you up close like this You were the stuff of my juvenile fantasies, The excitement that tingled the skin, I’m pretty sure it was obvious, The infatuated mess that I’d become Whenever you come around And all of my brave front would come undone I’m pretty sure the eager sideward glances and lingering eyes Made bare of my covetous intention of you; no surprise. You are the irreconcilable distance, The ever hanging sentence, I’m pretty sure it is obvious, That you are a fleeting moment, The enticing past, The mesmerising present, But you are an unattainable future. 

I can understand the loneliness in your eyes When you realize that I don’t wear the same crease on my forehead As I’d frown, perplexed I wore a stranger’s face, although you still could recognize The girl from the past I can tell by the look on your face, you’re not willing to let go You’re holding on to that inch of familiar skin And you’re hoping the next time you’d see me I won’t further change I’d remain recognizable. You’re hoping circumstances won’t ever change the child you see in me. It makes me ever so afraid to return home a stranger to you.

Moving clouds on a sunny day Set against a sky so blue Each one going its own way No idea where it's headed to Contemplating on the ethereal image I think of all the ties I couldn't salvage All the complements left unsaid As I let the line go dead Dancing daisies in a field of green Kind of your run of the mill meadow scene Each one swaying so gaily So naive and carefree completely Remembering the innocent faces Seeing them morph into hazard warnings I yet have been to many places but the grasp of the painful reality is dawning Colors fade, and petals eventually fall All good things surely come to an end I thought I have seen it all well, trouble indeed is a friend As I lay among the tall grass I am overcome by the beckoning silence I thought I could have it all but I was wrong, at second glance.

Something's over taken the comfort of old slippers it's something magnanimous estranging us of the pet names we used to call each other I guess riding fast cars made me a lotus eater it has deprived me of the memories of our little tea parties See I got this new set of frames it makes my face a little bit more gaunt it's not that I've dismissed the humor of our secret jokes It all reduces to the dust in the wind How foolish I was to think that an overturning wave would look perpetually the same and that time was relative. As the walls swallow me whole I resigned all hopes of reclaiming the intimacy of shared meals and soft whispers in the pillow I guess it's time I go.

In a state of disarray, hunched, squatting by the corner, with the soft light pouring in  from the open doors of the bar. dismal and insignificant, putrid and repellent. Dancing shadows, enter the prancing jester, mockingly jovial, unwary and nonchalant of the maimed stranger, crippled by the desolation of youth. As the world walks on, eyes momentarily linger with disregard at the sorry state, reviled with the innate ugliness of the withering soul, filled with revolt, disgust, and self-assuring denial. how one regards the disfigured with such venom and even more so when one rejects the imminent reality of the final falling grains of sand in the hourglass of one's life. Age, how dost thou plunge me into melancholy, regret and wishful thinking?

Life made me an agnostic a skeptic and all too easy it is to make Life take all the blame for all the shortcomings and falling short of expectations I wonder if such an allegation could be as casually displaced as to avoid confronting one's own flawed reality

I'd rest my head on the window pane, as the bus moved down the road. My eyes would imagine horses prancing in the fields that we passed by. The continuous stream of colors on the fall-blanketed hills, and the dancing leaves like animated fairy dust as the bus sped by, was what I'd treasure and miss the most. p/s: This picture I took look like some tumblr image that people would stick some emo caption on in the foreground.

I am ill with desire, wrought with anxiety, Shaking with excitement, abound with despair. I am but an animated shell bursting with fleeting emotions but I really am empty inside.