Saturday, October 24, 2015

dialectics

Life gets harder as you grow older. Decisions aren't clear cut. There are repercussions for any which way you decide. You just choose to be sad or happy about it and try to count your blessings and try to live with either one of your decisions. I was scared of failing, but I was more scared if I succeeded. Sometimes when I went for interviews I just thought to myself, I'm going to try, but I hope my effort wasn't good enough and there's always someone out there way better than me, because I was scared of what happens after. I don't know how I'd deal with it. I'd be overwhelmed. I'd have to be committed to the new reality, whereas if I failed, I'd retain the status quo. Nothing gained, nothing changed. I could go on doing "what if" scenarios in my head without actually living it and face consequences. That was how, I thought, I could live multiple realities at once. Maybe that was why I kept sabotaging myself. When I finally let go, and just tell myself to fuck it all and just go into the interview as is. It's when I think I'm finally myself. and it's surprising how the interviews went so much better. I don't come out of it feeling like I messed up or regretted saying things. But it had to come anyway, when I will have to learn to come to grips with reality. That was the next step. Following my heart isn't my best suit. I was always a person who went with well-reasoned decisions because the risk was calculated. I don't exactly play it safe like most people, but at the same time, I am a person who would spend hours convincing myself that the best decisions are made based on facts and what I feel is secondary. I put those cold hard facts first and I'd sacrifice emotions. And I'd go with it and try to meld my feelings to fit the decision so that it wouldn't be a problem anymore. That's how I suppose I got through engineering. It may not be as esoteric as philosophy or literature, but it'll get me jobs, I'd learn different things, I'd learn to like it. It's funny that this time around my logic followed my heart instead of the facts that lay before me. They were really reasonable considerations but I cannot shake off the fact that I don't really want it. I do, for the prestige and convenience, but somehow I cannot argue in favor of it. It did not make sense. It did not appeal to my logic. I did not enjoy the exam-like prodding they do during the interviews. I did not enjoy the thought that it made me feel self-conscious about not learning anything substantial during my final year project. Well, it's just procedure to gauge my knowledge, but it made me realize I didn't enjoy it. I did not like the thought of being lost in the sea of other human cogs in a big machine. This other option felt like a clean slate. Either options I'd picked I'll always wonder if I could fall back on it in the future. That I could live both someday. Who knows, the future isn't written. I may or may not have the same chance again, because circumstances would be different based on things that are out of my control. well, consolation is, as I go along in life I'll remember this decision, maybe when I have made harder ones in the future, I can laugh this one off. it's an interesting dilemma not a lot of people have the privilege to mull over. I've always wanted a non-conventional career, well, this is the start of it. maybe it's time to embrace the unknown. I was always haunted with thoughts about anxieties of building a career. I need a good first job that will launch my next job and such. that's how I've always been in school or in undergrad. undergrad especially. I have to plan my schedule very well for me to do well. I will take this course because it's useful. Well, I have to stop thinking of that. not that it's not useful, I'd like to think of that as being strategic, but it makes me inflexible and anxious. maybe trying something different and unorthodox will help me deal with my anxiety. and force me to think of other ways to live my life instead of following what's expected of me when I play a certain role. I'm not going to live the perfect life. I want to live a fulfilling life. I took that leap of faith.last week I was so stressed. actually since last weekend. well, I've been stressed since forever, but last week was a stress unlike any other. I don't think either way I'll fully be satisfied. so it's kind of like Robert Frost's poem, The Road Not Taken. You convince yourself you'd taken the untrodden path but at the end of the day, it's about the same. It doesn't matter which one I took. I will end up being whoever I am to be. and then after countless hours drowning my sorrow playing games. I am okay.

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