Monday, March 14, 2016

Fade out

I just realized I haven't had a 2016 post. I haven't been on blogger lately cuz well, I haven't written any full pieces because well, my thoughts are not coherent for the past half a year, and I've generally been busy with life. I also pretty much spew everything on Facebook and then feel bad afterwards but when I actually have the space for long extended posts on my blog, I just can't write jack shit. Today I feel like writing for some reason, but it's pretty much gonna be freestyle and a mishmash of different things. The first thought that comes to my mind when I decided to write this is how I wish I stop wanting things, would that not make my life a lot more peaceful? Maybe not wanting things leave you with no drive or motivation, so there must be some balance some where, but if wanting things make me so unhappy when I don't get them, is the solution to just not want anything at all? I want things but I don't put in the effort, and it's not gonna work. I wonder if I'm just lazy and expect instant gratification or I am just dispassionate and disinterested from the beginning. The reason this thought came about is because over the years, and especially lately, I suppose, is that, I am very envious of my friends who are in a different field, yet, I myself, have not made that leap, although I did make the leap to not take up an engineering job despite having an engineering degree, but it is not a too far leap yet, because I still find myself wistfully yearning for the life my other peers have. Especially those actively involved with activism and the philosophy scene. I did try to check it out, but I feel like my lack of freedom of movement makes it hard for me to constantly join them, additionally, it does involve participating in social events, and my current job leaves me with little time to participate, let alone even have time for myself to do my own things, and to add to that, I am not as passionate about reading as I was back when I was younger. I want things, but I do not act to pursue them. I want somebody else's life is the problem. I love my current job, I enjoy what I do and I think the company is decent, it's just that I wish in my free time, I could do things other people can, or idk, had the time they have, or have the energy and freedom and friends they have to do those things. It is strange, because usually my friends in that field often find their next move for their career vague, but it draws me because of the vagueness, there is a canvas for your imagination and it can spontaneously morph into anything, which is odd, because I was from an engineering background and pretty much people who do engineering degrees willingly at least have an idea that they will go into an engineering job, do things and move up a position, etc. It caught me by surprise because the other day a colleague of mine asked me what ideas I have for my career, in my head, I really have no plans, I just want to keep doing things until either I got bored, or I figure something out. Which is really out of character because I rigorously plan out all my schedules in my undergraduate. Following the conversation we were also talking about Type A versus Type B. I know I have a Type A personality, evident throughout high school and university and it explains why I am high strung, but right now I really wanted to be Type B and am acting the part, except, I am still neurotic and high strung, but I find myself less actively pursuing anything. I wonder if it's laziness, lack of vision, lack of motivation, or because I really didn't want anything, or am I just zen in that sense. Yet, in my day-to-day life outside work, I am very unhappy and unsatisfied with my life, mostly, due to my environment. Sometimes, I can't even explain it to myself why am I unhappy, let alone to have other people understand it. I thought to myself why am I so unhappy, why can't I be happy or consciously choose to be happy, and how can I make myself happy. At least, you know, make it bearable for myself. I know what I want the most is to go back to Canada, possibly working, and living on my own, doing my own things in my free time, but why can't I placate myself with this reality that I'm not going back there anytime soon, or at least try to make it back to Canada? I don't understand my own lack of motivation, yet strongly wanting things. It is the same, I suppose, in pretty much every aspect of my life, especially when it comes to companionship as well, I don't understand how I can want something but then I don't commit to it, and it just goes away, comes back again but because of my inability to commit to my own desires, I just brush it off. I guess also, with my state of mind like this, I often wonder to myself if I really have any affection or feelings to offer, what if it all merely stems from my own anxiety or loneliness? That it is not real, there is no self-less compassionate component, but rather, was borne of my own selfish desires to feed my own insecurities? I decided for myself that it was not fair to pursue such fleeting emotions so I just let that be. Sometimes the loneliness aches, but I would rather not act on it, because I am uncertain of my own self. I tell myself to not want things or persons, because yearning is painful. Regardless if I put in the effort or not, and acquiring them does not necessarily mean that I will be happy, even though not having it causes unhappiness. I try not to think of such things but such thoughts usually come to me in the night just before bed when I am too tired to do anything. The only time my mind doesn't wander there is when I play games or when I do work. That is when I am happy, at least in that moment. Then it all goes back to the question, am I unhappy simply because I cannot get things that I want, and if so, then, is not wanting things the way to be happy?

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