Friday, September 25, 2009


My search for the shock-absorbing camera cover is to no avail, so, henceforth, I will not bring my Lumix to school for fear of mechanical damage and theft. (Although I do have a lot of thnigs to document in the last few days of School).

I watched 17 Again, it was a great movie, the theme was exactly what I was wondering about all this while, you know, the chance to go back and do it all over again. (If you read my previous post, you'll know what I'm talking about. The feeling of leaving behind the good days and thinking that if only you could experience it all over again later in the future because looking at your yearbook and simply reminiscing the good times is not enough for you).

Hate to burst the bubble. Of course, life doesn't work that way, so enjoy it while you can. Not to say that I am an avid supporter of hedonisme, no! Yeah, we should have fun, but not the kind of out of control wild party kind of fun, maybe if you just feel happy living your life, it would be a lot more fun living your life a day at a time without having to worry about.."damn! I'm gonna miss this", because there is always a 'kesinambungan' to your happiness. Is that how optimism works?

Teacher Mai always tells me to cheer up because I look so glum, well, people have been telling me that since I was, like, eight?

I know I'm a serious person, I'm not a social butterfly, but do I actually look miserable? Haha, rhetorical question.

Why wallow myself in self-pity and apathy when there's nothing to be emo-ish about? I bet I'm supposed to be a lot happier than some of those kids some where across the globe.

Being happy and carefree is not laziness. Just because I didn't do my homework doesn't mean that I'm lazy. I'm just trying to be happy. =]

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


I feel like posting something today.

First thing in my head this morning, "What day is it?"

A voice answers: "The fourth of Raya."

Oh, it's the radio. God, fourth day of Raya, another day closer to school, to SPM.

What am I doing? Lying on my back. Well, Raya is Raya.

Why do teachers bother giving homework for Raya, they very well know that I would not do it, (even though I just did, but with much grumbling). Lately, I've been doing the bio diagrams, drawing, but labelling is so melecehkan, it makes me want to crumple the whole thing and start again. Takde arah banyak sangat I have to do.

On the first of Raya, we did the usuals, go to Datuk's house, we took another family picture this year at the studios. I love my outfit, the tudung really matched the baju, although the material was delicate, kain saree, mind you. For breakfast, we had spaghetti (yum, yum), but Pa put in mixed veg in the sauce (spare me!)

On the next day of Raya and the day after that, I cleared my closet after years! I opened the plastic cases that I kept bits of papers in when I was in Primary school, there were so many paper cuttings that I don't really remember why I kept them in the first place.

I gathered all those birthday cards, Raya cards from Primary school and secondary school, I never realized I had so many of them. Then, I found a plastic bag-full of Ma's letters to me when I was in F1, F2, F3 and one letter in F4. wow

That was already four years ago???????????????????

Now, I'm only fifty-something days from SPM.

Gotta admit, this has got to be one of the most laidback approach towards an important exam, well, I didn't think I could stress myself like I did when I was in F3. I don't think I could cope with it, but yeah, this laidbackness is bothering me, although I feel difficult to get moving at a faster pace.

You know, I've realized how self-absorbed I've been all this while, and I kind of missed out on a lot of things. (and being at SBP kind of reduces time at home, and with the pile of homework, some happy family out there with cute, little siblings expected to play with their big sis when she gets home from SBP realizes that big sis is too busy with homework and studying to bother! hoo-ha, it could have been me, I've not hit my little sister for years now- hahaha, evil laugh. Not that I regret it, but there is a price to pay. hell, I sound like I'm missing home).

And what is it with SBP and social networking sites? (yeah, I'm blaming the SBP system now. =P) If I'm not in the books, I'll be found right here in front of the computer.

Truthfully, I feel like an investment in SBP where people expect to get interest by the end of it. People spend so much on you, the attention, the money and all, and if you don't perform??

What is the future for our children? What will happen to their childhood? I mean, so much for the deviation from exam-orientation, I think it just got even more crazy. You see rising social cases and kids getting more precocious by day, do you think that dysfunctional families and media influence is the sole blame? Look at the numerous subjects these kids are taking nowadays, even in sekolah harian biasa you have tuition and extra class and what not, more time with classmates teachers, less time with family, where is the childhood? School is totally invading my home time right now with, well, believe it or not, my school distributed a cadangan jadual belajar yang seharusnya dipatuhi oleh semua pelajar. The time slots are 9.00 a.m. to 12.00 p.m. then 3.00 p.m. to 5.00 p.m. and 8.40 p.m. to 10.40 p.m. That's like prep at home. That, is an infringement of individual rights to me.

Or am I just exaggerating?

Yeah, all I've ever been doing is stress myself, making a b**** out of myself, and in the end, I end up so worned out before my time (hello, I'm not working, I'm not married yet, mind you, so, it's so not my time to be worn down).

Not to say that being the best is not important, but is it all there is to life?

It can bring a satisfied smile to your face when you think about the end result, but in between to get there, you remember nothing but the pages of the books you've been reading through and that's not fun.

well, I think there should be a moderation between the two extremes of slacking and..hhmm....stressing? How do I do so?

There has always been this great debate in me that am I what am because of where I have been or is all this sick and vile nature has always been a part of me?

The future is filled with uncertainties, and still can't see where I will be going, and the year is about to end, and it's bye-bye school uniform, and hello.......................................hideous blue-black stripey PLKN uniform

but beyond that??

or the fact if I'll ever make it another day...


that's where the hidayah and rahmat comes in, I guess.

Anyhow, love-hate the school, I'll be facing my last few days there, I don't know whether with contentment or sorrow. arrghhh.....

Dammit! I'm so emo.

Sunday, September 20, 2009