Tuesday, August 31, 2010

a house is not a home

I'm going back to Casa Subang. Obviously, I can call my unit a house, but it is not a home. I had always wished I had more money to spare on groceries, and more time to do home-cooking. It doesn't even have a proper stove! The hotplate does'nt work. Most of us resort to cooking in a rice-cooker, well, I'm not going to do that to my rice-cooker. Ain't gonna spoil it. Yes, again, I am plagued with the need for money. Money is the key to good education, to good books, to good FOOD, to comfortable homes, and other luxurious excesses, yet it corrupts. Yes, there's that vision of a big mansion versus a moderate homey home, yet I see my more 'fortunate' friends and the food they get to enjoy..omg, a minimum of 50 bucks per plate, and such good food it is...ahh...if only I could savour it as well..this is what people call the finer things in life..I can live without a great wardrobe, although I do sometimes satisfy (and at times agitates) my longing for pretty clothes by window shopping, running my hand through the fabric, just get a 'feel' for it, be in a temporary fantasy..but of course, if on impulse I suddenly buy it, later on, I know I'll be in a state of regret..oh..if I had all the money and time in the world, the things I'd do..now, that's just wishful thinking..not to say that it's not impossible, but I must refrain myself from these luxurious excesses..not to say that I don't know how to have fun or indulge myself, but are'nt there more simpler pleasures in life? why go spend things at a high cost for a temporary high? It's like a drug, and you find yourself needing to spend money again, and again, and again, just to keep you happy..no, I never had any playstation consoles, I never felt a need for it, but once in a while, there's that little voice that whispers, "you're missing out on the fun". As if not having a playstation means that I don't have a chioldhood. I try and shut that evil voice out. I coax myself by saying that other people have it a lot worse than I do. and I don't need a playstation to make me enjoy my childhood. At times, I feel bad for scolding my little siblings for wanting toys (free toys that come with kiddy meals), well, they're kids, they want stuff, they want toys, even I still play with toys up to Standard 4? 5? 6? then, the voice speaks up again.."let them enjoy being kids, give 'em what they want." wouldn't it make them spoiled, regardless if we have the cash to spend on or not, if we give in to their whims everytime? And if we take away that privilege, but yet everybody else the kids' age is enjoying that privilege, how would the kid feel? I don't think kids understand financial circumstances yet at that age, but what would you do if you were in no favorable financial position to provide for that kid's whims. Yes, you feel sorry for the kid, but sometimes, you just gotta teach them, what you want is not what you get. And someone argues, they'll learn that eventually. Why must they learn that now? I don't know what to say, perhaps the different times we get exposure to the ugly truths of life affects our outlook on life I guess, and I can't really say how it has affected me. I know, in my younger days, I don't dare spend a lot, but somewhere in my teenage years, I started splurging on food and clothes. Food, to me, is still acceptable, but clothes..I know, if I don't buy them, I'd have a drabby wardrobe, but it makes me feel guilty. Even now, my wardrobe isn't all that fantastic, but at least, I've stopped buying clothes. I have to refrain myself. Now most of my cash goes to food and transport, occasionally, movies. On one hand, I sometimes would like that mansion life, being able to provide everything for everyone, seeing those smiles on your loved ones' faces, being able to enjoy things together, yet, the simple life draws me as well. A quite, countryside life, oblivious to the troubles of the world, completely in my own world with my family. Whatever it is, Canada comes first. Get the degree, and the job comes afterwards. ahhh...back to reality....Casa Subang....

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