Friday, August 06, 2010

Ironic

Sue me if I seem ungrateful.

I don't know if what I write is something sensitive or not, but it's been in my head for quite a while now. oh well, part and parcel of adjusting here.

When I was little, I went to a mixed-race kindergarten. Well, all the races are of equal ratio, and the teachers are all of different races. I was pretty okay. I started off speaking in malay, but since we were in a mixed community and even some of the teachers were not from Malaysia, English was the prime medium.

Then, in primary school, I still had teachers ofmany races, but I was in an all-malay batch. I was treated like a freak of course because I spoke in English. yeah, I was quite bothered by it, but it never changed me a bit. I still went on with my English speaking, and I wrote stories, all of which never involved local characters. At that time, I admit. I HATED being a Malay. If I had it my way, I wouldn't be one. I had always dreamed of being one of my characters, a foreigner, since I thought that I spoke English quite well back then, yeah, at the least it was better than it is now. It was almost my first language.

Then, off to Faris Petra. In Faris Petra, yes, I'm still a freak because I speak in English, and in a way, some of them actually feel intimidated by me. Again  an all-malay batch. I appear unapproachable again. This is where my English sorts of goes all over the place. Thanks to the upbringing there, I am kind of ultra-malay now. However, I still do sometimes don't like certain typical malay traits and mentality,and I still detest the fact that sometimes I do have those typical malay traits and it makes me feel that I'm not good enough for myself, but I did identify myself as a malay. Up till now, I still can't answer Cikgu mad's brainstorming question, "are you proud of being a malay?"

Now I'm in Taylor's a majority non-malay community. I looked forward to it since I've been in an all-malay community all this while. I'm like so sick and tired of the jaga tepi kain orang thing. But now here, unless I perk up and become a social butterfly, I will seem unapproachable. People see an image of a sopan santun malay girl who doesnt make noise and sits quietly in the background. Oh, and she's wearin' a tudung, eventually she'll end up in the tudung group, it's like so obvious, they sit together. Of course, when I'm all alone, the malays would most likely take me in because they're the minority, but it gives an impression that I only mix with them tudungs. So, I still end up being alone. I like being alone, mind you, but somettimes, it's hard being alone, like it or not, you have to connect with the humans around you. sometimes I wished that I could take off my tudung, would it make it any better? but I know better not to do so. even them non-muslims even ask me why do some muslims wear it while some don't? it's hard to answer that. The weird thing here is, sometimes those muslims who dress sexy in really short shorts and transparent dresses pray more than those who were the headscarves. weird.weird.weird.

then again, I might also seem unapproachable because of my quiet appearance? or my attitude sucked someway? I sometimes drift into my own world. I do it a lot more often now that my ears are always plugged in with earphones.

Of course, the people you make connections at this stage is too reecent to have any significant affection, but at the same time, you feel even more detached with your old friends as we go our separate ways and meet new people, do our own thing.

oh well. I have nothing more to say.

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