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The Jadedness of The Youth

I don't know why I feel compelled to write today, well, maybe because I have a bit of free time before the madness, I did my readings beforehand, and I just finished my assignment, yay! So, I suppose, half-an-hour of blogging is my reward for the day, and I shouldn't feel guilty about it.

Well, I suppose, it's just another rambling post, I feel that letting it out on my blog would do it more justice than a sensationalized (I'm using this word so often right now) social media like Twitter or Facebook would, at least I personally feel that the blogosphere hasn't taken over humanity the same way Facebook has, or maybe it already did, but I didn't realize, and maybe because I feel the blogosphere is slightly more "dignified" than Facebook, although that can be proven that it isn't entirely all true either, the net has generally been the site of multiple cyber warfare.

I'm sure previously I've written a lot about "losing the innocence", and "growing up" and the "things I've learnt, or realized along the way", I'm not suggesting that I've reached the end of my growing up process, as a person, I would still learn new things along the way, and I keep learning. Even when I'm caught off guard, thinking that I understand the world, that will never be true, I can't possibly understand the world in it's entirety. I can at least, prepare the best I can to avoid the pitfalls from what I know about the ups and downs of life, even so, I can never be truly prepared for every possible experience, because we never really know what's in store for us. For those of you who believe in a God, I'm sure you're pretty familiar with the phrase "man proposes, but God disposes". Currently, I'm halfway through Lisa Randall's Warped Passages (a book on higher dimensions and string theory for laymen), and I find the phrase "principled uncertainty" (in regards to Heisenberg's Uncertainty) is the way to go about life.

I've written a lot about my experiences from high school (yes, this blog indeed has more than 8 years of my life chronicles from post-UPSR days), all the way to early years in university, and when I look back at my posts, I can see the progression in my blogging style, and I feel old, although not old enough to call myself "experienced". I scoff at some of them, because I'd written some of them with immaturity, and some other posts just make me wonder how had I written them with such clarity and maturity (forgive the self-praise :p) and I wonder why had I not been mindful of the way I write nowadays so that I'd written the way I did a few years ago. When I reflect on those, I can kind of assess myself and decided for myself what was good and what was bad about the past, and it is actually motivating because you discover that you are capable of certain merit-able behavior, and it also serves as a reminder to avoid all the negative points that you had in the past.

I kind of want to recap what I saw through my posts with this post (narcissistic much), but I feel that expressing myself in this way helps reorganize my thoughts and perhaps serve an explanation to as why I feel a certain way about certain things, although I don't really need to explain myself. Sometimes the self-explanations kind of skews perceptions more, and sometimes, people just don't need to understand, I don't know.

I was a rebel at school, I think many can testify to that. I'd had realized that the world wasn't as ideal as I'd expected to be, and I struggled with that truth. I'd had to go through that alone, because rebelling was considered subversive behavior. Then, after high school, over time, some people say that I'd gotten mellower. Then, suddenly, it became a trend that everybody wanted to be a rebel. I'd always been skeptical if people really were aware of what they were fighting for or if it were just a trend, or whether or not this were a good or a bad thing. Maybe, honestly, I'd feel a tinge of jealousy because during my time, what I did wasn't as celebrated as much as it is today, but I usually brush it off, it wouldn't be fair to compare my past experiences with someone else's. I'd always felt a tinge of jealousy as well with people who grew up in a circle of people who encouraged their voicing out their opinions, but my experiences are my own and they taught me what I had learnt today, and it shouldn't be any other way that fate would have allowed.

Sometimes I feel that I'm out of sync with my own generation. At a time when the youth are boiling with rebellious blood, I felt that I'd already gotten over that phase. I felt like I should just not partake in anything, I should just observe, and do what I should in my power to not make it worse, or to make it better, but somehow, deep inside of me, I hear a voice telling me to keep calm and not rush to take sides. I'm not sure if it really is because I'm somewhat wiser than my high school self or am I merely a "washed-up opinionator" as some people would call me or simply ignorant. I sometimes feel that I always take the side that people don't usually take. As long as one side has the majority, I'd be in the minority, (being the devil's advocate that I am). I don't know. I just feel that when I observed events, I could make connections in my head with what I experienced in high school with what's happening in the present day, and my instincts kind of tell me what I should or should not do. I'm thankful that I've had the experiences I've had in my brief life that I could see certain things with clarity, or so I perceive from a personal standpoint, although some would disagree with me.

I'd enjoyed my time being the voice of authority, briefly, when I was in high school (I hate repeating this, it reminds me of how hung up I am with the past, but oh well), I enjoyed being listened to, but that further inflated my ego. In university did I have to struggle with my own ego to deflate it again, and indeed it did, to the point of having very low self-esteem, which I'm trying to slowly build up again. Sometimes, it makes me wonder, why is it so important to me that I have to be heard, are all my utterances worth that much ?

I guess God also sends reminders in different ways, I was so affected by Habib Ali's speech in RIS about the hadeeth on "loving thy neighbor" and "when the prophet was mocked" , I'd resolved to myself that I'd stay true to the small reminders I got from those two speeches. I'd challenged myself to self-assess and improve myself, insyaAllah.

Also, over the years, I'd refrained myself from saying things about one's intellect, such as calling another "bodoh", because I'd identified that that was my "trigger word" that makes me fly into uncontrollable rage when someone tries to provoke me. I know how much that affects me, so I pledged to myself that I don't use it on another person, let alone use it. (I just need to do this with other vulgar words too now). Even when I'm expressing opinions nowadays, I put it under a lot of discretion, and I try my best to be mindful of what I say, hence why I mostly post banal day-to-day stuff nowadays rather than fiery opinion pieces. Most of it now are more inwardly reflective in tone. Had I the time and resources, I might put something up that's ilmiah or something, but then again I don't exactly have enough authority nor knowledge to do so. I do share interesting stuff I read on Facebook, though, sometimes.

The most recent thing that I'd realized now is that, gone are the days when I'd muse and say "when I grow up, I'll be able to do this, this and that" or "someday, I'll be an accomplished somebody." That someday is already today. I'm 20 years old. And I have yet to accomplish things that I'd aspired when I was a lot younger, and I have to do something about that. Get out of my comfort zone and actually do something rather than just talk about it, I'm working on that.

Lol. I make myself sound so jaded with life, it's not that I'm not enjoying it, I do, in my own way, and despite everything, I'm thankful for what happens along the way.

All in all, that's all that I want to share for tonight, I'm going to call it a night, and prepare for school tomorrow, cheers!

this is rather a far off tangent, but to all those people asking me about my love life, or my lack thereof, I'm just not interested in that right now. If I get lucky, something might happen, :p but for the time being, I'm not actively searching. :p


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