Saturday, January 19, 2013

There Is Method To His Madness

My microelectronics course is suddenly becoming a philosophy class, lol. and he's teaching us about leprechauns. Most of my other electrical engineering lecturers usually teaches us the techniques, without really asking us to ponder much. This class suddenly seem to leave us pondering on our methods and implications, and I come home from school being more reflective than usual, in fact, I am turning inward even more.
Evil leprechaun in the diode uuu ..

I had realized as time goes by, I am becoming more devoid of my connections that I've had back home. In my house I'll be the person who most infrequently contacts home. My skype will always be off unless someone mentions that they'd want a skype date, which is roughly, once a year. Being out of touch, and out of sync with the rest of my world in Malaysia leaves me feeling estranged and the only place I turn to is my world in Canada and inside my head.


favorite show


If one defines being philosophical is being reflective, then, perhaps, yes, I am philosophical. Sometimes I wonder if I should really turn all my reflective brain power to actually thinking about practical solutions to actual problems, actually thinking about something "useful", well, I wish I could do that consciously, but my attention span never really last that long on such problems. I tend to gravitate towards these inward thoughts.

I guess I just like being the patient and the psychiatrist. I would think of something, and then another part of me would evaluate about what I was thinking about. Let's say I was thinking about a pink elephant. The part of me thinking about the pink elephant would be thinking about what the elephant does and what it looks like and whether or not the pink elephant has friends. Then, the other part of me would be thinking about where had I gotten this idea of this pink elephant, whether or not it was relevant, do pink elephants exist or is it merely part of my imaginations. So, basically, one part of me will be thinking about details, and it'll be entertaining any whims, while the other part of me exercises inquiry and value judgment of a thought process. This process happens concurrently, I don't think about those things in a sequence, and sometimes there are multiple pink elephants or non-elephant-related things that I think about at one time, and it's no surprise that I'm easily distracted, random things pop up in my head all the time, and if it happens to hold my attention, I'll be coming back to it out of tendency.

I try to "separate" these thought process by designating them to a certain "port" or different outlets, meaning to express different things that I think about, but it didn't really help. I just mix the two up anyway out of whim, and I'd only differed what I'd expressed based on the audience. Who was "appropriate" for such expressions, and who wasn't. I just do think about things in this way. I don't know if you want to call it messed up, but I've been living like this for years. My thoughts are like streams, sometimes a fish jumps out randomly, and I don't expect what fish comes out. It's not that I'm uncapable of controlling my thoughts, I can when I have to, but with these autonomous thoughts, sometimes other thoughts come in, especially when it comes to interesting things that I've come across, or some opinions or reflections that I've formulated, and I don't know why I have a need to share them with people, maybe because I was afraid that when the fish jumped back into the water, it would be lost forever, and it'll be a while until I see the same fish again, and I don't even know why I find the fish valuable. Can't I just let it go and not think about it ?

So, basically that's what goes on in my head. I do spend a lot of time in it. Sometimes I find it exciting, and I'd  wanted to express it, but you know, really, only you know what goes on in your head. I guess that's why I have many means of expressing myself, my blog, my facebook statuses, my poems, my stories, my drawings, my chatter. However, I feel that some censorship is in order, not all content really must be shared, I do exercise that with discretion, I just wonder if it is enough, and it always brings me back to the question why do I think the things I say matter ? Well, it matters to me, but why do I think that it matters to people, even though in reality, it might not matter at all, which is usually the case.

I was a know-it-all when I was small, because I kept spouting the random trivias that I read from encyclopaedias or almanacs. That habit has prevailed even in my later years. I didn't give it much thought then, but now I wonder why am I verbally peacocking so much.(even at this very moment).

Some people may go "cut the crap. You don't even have to think about these things." But I do think about these things, because I feel that I need to make sense of it so that I know how to control it.

To be honest, I am obsessed with self-control. I am obsessed with being self aware and being discrete with my every move. Well, maybe because in the past, I'd never thought about my actions and I'd only acted on impulse, and it had negative repercussions, and in this day and age, you have eyes on you all the time, what with the transparency and accessibility of social media. Well, I can just not post anything on my Facebook, but that is actually easier said than done, well, actually it is easy, but I don't know why it is hard for me. Why have I gone to this level of addiction ? Why is it that I feel a need to post everything ? Why do I feel a need to always be heard ?

So, part of my thoughts try to give explanations for this. One thought theorizes because of the way I grew up, some other thoughts theorizes that it could be due to some inherent nature, while others simply chastise my lack of self-control. I don't really know the answer yet still.

Another obsession I've had since young is to know everything there is to this world. Getting a Phd has always been my dream since I was in kindergarten. I want to know everything. I don't know why I do, but I just do. I just feel that it should be something that needs to be done in completion for the feeling of closure. Although as I grew older, I do realize that there really is no end to what can be known about Everything. As I go up one level higher in my studies I get frustrated that it isn't as what I'd expected (that I finally get to learn about everything there is about something). So, the only way to "know everything", is to go all the way to Phd, and in the afterlife, to ask God Himself.

That's roughly a tour of what goes on in my head. Secondly, is in regards of self-modelling. You'll see what I mean. I go through different stages in life, and I'm a different person. Different circles of friends know me differently, and through time, as I reflect what I did, I change, or at least, I try to. Why do I do this ? Well, sometimes I just adopt different perspectives, and do things differently, so that I don't repeat what I perceive as mistakes, and I guess I just go under trial and error to see what works, and perhaps, I have a change of perspective as the things that influences me change, be it the surroundings, the people, the experience, or the ideas.

As of now, I am really trying to reduce presence on Facebook. Sometime ago, I used Facebook to incessantly express anything that comes across to my mind, only now that I'd realize that maybe some thoughts are only suitable to some audiences. I don't know why I came to this conclusion, maybe because I wanted my thoughts to matter to certain people that I feel matter to me and think that my thoughts matter. Again, I don't know what's with my mattering business, but well. #bitchslapinorderhere

At the same time, I feel that I am becoming more of a skeptic, a cynic, a realist, and a pessimist. I doubt many things, and I question many things, and I am against many things. I am suspicious of many things. Gone were my idealistic days, although sometimes I doubt myself, if I really were still that naive idealist of the past. I am suspicious of claims, and I always play the devil's advocate. Even though I appear to be strongly affiliating myself to an idea, although I try not to, but I know that human beings are inherently biased, I still have room to doubt myself. Some time ago, I was very critical of people, self-righteous even, confident that everything I say was relevant and worth listening to, but nowadays, even in my criticisms, I reflect that criticism onto myself. I find it okay to parody myself, in light-heartedness. After all, shouldn't we not always be mindful of ourselves ?

I try to be as fair as possible, although I know that biasness is inherent, but when discussing certain issues, I actually avoid talking about what sides that I am actually on. I'd rather take a step back from the detail and look at the bigger picture, outside of the "boxing ring" in which two opinions or two people go head to head. I don't want to be forced to choose sides, because sometimes this obsession of choosing sides makes you lose sight of the bigger picture altogether.

I also try to not be associative as possible. I am only affiliated to one thing, which is humanity, in general, I stand for what makes humanity humane. Forget my gender, forget my nationality, forget my political stands, forget my religion, forget about asking in which individual do I support. I hate the notion of being associated with something, simply because of all the perceptions, and expectations that come when you mention your affiliation with something. I want you to see me as myself, not as some unit of some other organizations that you have already had perceptions of. I hate ad hominem attacks, and I do my part by not engaging in it. I try to stay away from labels as possible. I'd rather be defined by what I do, rather than what I claim to be. Let my actions with the right intentions speak for itself. I don't need to claim myself to be a defender of anything, let my defending of whatever it is I'm defending tell you what I value, instead of having you deliberate what I am in relation to some preconceived roles to understand or to expect what I should be doing or what I should be. I shall not be defined by your presumptions.

I see my peers at this day and age so passionately expressing themselves on social media, and are so fervently taking sides, showing this so-called "solidarity". I had once had the same kind of fervor, which I think was displaced at the time I displayed it. I understand the need to be heard, although, now I ask of you to actually reflect on what you say, and whether or not what you say really matters. Of course, I also take this as a self reminder, in fact, I am the least qualified person to even tell you this. I know how easy it is to get carried away with your own thoughts, sometimes, and this may sound preachy, but I honestly think that at one point, the things we say will get irky. It's not that I'm not standing for anything anymore, it's just that somethings are not worth standing up for, and I guess you just have to choose the right battles, or else you lose the war. And it's not that I'm going to ignore the problem, but the way you approach it just determines how you're going to solve the problem, whether it's effective or not. I was in the "Orwellian Delusion" state some time ago, but nowadays before I decide if a situation is worthily deemed an Orwellian dystopia, as people nowadays so easily claim at whim, not sure if other's rights are really at stake or just their own which makes them say those things (God, my English is terrible), I usually exercise doubt. #deploythedescartes. Even when someone say that something looks promising, I tend to put doubt and deliberate the statement first before taking it as it is, and being the pessimist that I am, well, you know where I'm going with this, as a pessimist, but at least I gave it a chance. lol. Sometimes the people who say we're in an Orwellian Dystopia, could sometimes be blowing things out of proportion simply to call for "solidarity" or to use sentimentalization, often through sensationalized media to rally people (well, who wouldn't want to be a hero aite?), well, maybe because that's the easiest way to operate, uniting for a cause, but not necessarily with the same unanimous intentions, which could sometimes be a non-constructive form of action. (Or maybe I could just be an anti-social who detests organized institutions, after all, I'm not sure of that speculation yet). Sometimes employing "sarcasm" as a means to show how smart or intellectual they are but ending up with their so-called "sarcasm" as nothing but a juvenile jeer (I did that too sometime in the past, so I kinda know), and honestly, flamboyant rhetorics mean nothing to me. I'm not even sure if they're even being used correctly nowadays. After all, we all have a nafs, and that nafs can sometimes manipulate us to believe that all our actions are justified, which is why I employ the doubt as a self-check mechanism in the first place. Sometimes what matters is not really in the cause, but the conduct.

Buddhism is actually an interesting religion, I know it's off tangent, and it disobeys the regular flow of prose. An important teaching of Buddhism is mindfulness, and being detached from the fruits of our actions, which I think are very strong lessons that I try to practice. It's the closest thing to Ikhlas and Ihsan.

Even though I do keep track sometimes of what goes on in the world surrounding us, but at the end of the day, I always come back to thinking about what are my values ? Have I been living my life to these values ? And, of course, am I being mindful ? One way that I find about thinking whether or not I am mindful is in the intentions of my actions, which brings me back to why I had those questions at the beginning of this post, and my trains of thoughts.

So, I guess this blog post is kind of long and convoluted, and very unelegant, but it's just my way of untangling my thoughts, which I feel, this time, is a reflection of what goes on in my life, but I don't really talk about the physical things that happen outside, rather I turn inward. Not sure if it's because I'm inadvertently exposing myself, or if current events influenced me to retreat inwards, or I just feel that it mattered enough to be shared. All in all, good day, everyone.


Because this show makes me existential


13:11

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