Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Intermission 2

I wrote an Intermission 1, but decided against publishing it.

Lately I realized that I'm holding back against expressing everything. There are some things that the world doesn't need to know, and there are better outlets for self-expression that allow for better control of your audience, and sometimes some things are better left not verbalized. And of course, what with now the companies keep tabs on your online activity. It's the same with my Facebook. My default privacy is only me, only when I feel like showing some thing, do I customize the privacy setting, so what you see, is what I intend you to see. At times, I just delete whatever I just posted as I judge it inappropriate or unnecessary. You can sort of say, I am trying to become a social media recluse, and reducing my internet presence, for fear that I might unintentionally expose myself, not that I have anything to hide, but you never know.

I also have a detachment to blogging and twitter. You can say my activity has stagnated. I've wanted to blog in a while, as always, the ideas always come when you're most busy with work, but you never get around to it, but when you have all the time on your hands, it's harder to happen because you've lapsed into rest and inactivity. This blog post finally came through after days on end of stagnant ideas and inspiration.

My winter break and the year of 2013 is drawing to a close, as of yet, I feel that I am falling short of my goals this break. I really hope the long 3 weeks is enough rest to replenish my strength for another insane semester.

I really should learn to count my blessings, but at the same time, my instincts are telling me that I'm stagnant. That I'm not doing enough. That it's not that I'm doing good, but it's just not good enough. It gets to a point where you're creatively uninspired, almost stuck in a routine of chasing deadlines. Physically, emotionally and mentally challenged by the constraint of time and resources, but because it succumbed to being routine, it gets boring. Though you feel you're being stretched to the limit, yet, you're not being challenged enough.

My professor said work puts you into a routine, and you get bored, which is why you shouldn't settle for one job, even if it's something you love to do or is your dream job, and you need to change every 5 years and challenge yourself. Which is why grad school is the way to go, well, of course he's also promoting doing grad school cuz he's part of it.

Of course, at the same time, I also wonder if I'm living my life right. Is everything going according to everything that I painstakingly plan ? Do I actually have it all figured out ? Do I actually know what I'm doing ? The more I go along, the more I feel scared, because no matter how desperately I try to plan, I can't foresee everything, and I'm paranoid that I may overlook any details or took anything for granted that could be detrimental to the outcome because I was caught unawares and unprepared to cope with the uncertainties.

Sometimes I can't let go that for some courses that people say are an easy-12, I always fall short by one grade, yet for harder courses, even though I am no where near the top, but I can do more than pass the course, when a lot of others fail. I sort of at the end of the day end up averaged out with a decent mark, although it may not be enough to be where I need, want and expect to be. I don't know if I've pushed myself enough or if I've reached my limit to keep pushing.

University isn't at all like high school. Back in high school, although you know what was at stake, all you had to do was do well, and think of nothing else. In this time, not only do you need to think about that, but you have to think about getting a job, and you need to do a lot more than just attend university to build your skill set.

As they say, it certainly does get harder in the latter years of undergraduate, and it's an uphill climb from now on to the end. I do hope that I survive with enough to get by to the next level, even if it's by the skin of my teeth. As I go on, somehow a lot more questions are raised than are the questions I had were answered.

As of late I was susceptible to hesitation, followed by an "ahh..never mind" which led to my plans not coming to fruition and my actions not followed up.

There was just something that left me unsatisfied, that I feel that I need to keep going to know more. I've always thought that university would have all the answers, it would be the ends of knowledge that I seek when I was young, but the more I learn, the more I realize there's a lot of things that I still don't know, and to get there, I have no choice but to soldier on. At one point, I wonder that through this toil, did I sacrifice anything important ? Did I forsake anything important for my goal ?

I've always believed that balance was important, and possible. That you could enjoy the toil, because at the end of the day that's what builds character and when you look back at it, you wouldn't regret it because that was what brought you where you are.

Well, I thought of finishing this, but the night has grown weary. I guess I'll end it here and I just have to soldier on. It's the last day of 2013. I do hope 2014 will be another good year.


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