I realized I wasn't as idealistic as I was back in my high school days. I tend to retreat to the background, focusing on getting my share of the pie of reality. Maybe even indifferent sometimes. Or perhaps I was just uninspired ?
I feel like I'm on the cusp of that age where I can actually make meaningful change, realizing those teenage ideals, and that age where performance really matters and will determine what comes next for me.
I do notice though, some of my peers who I once spoke of ideals with actually carrying on with it, even initiating movements, while some remain in the background, and some other peers, who, during school, didn't really tried standing out as much, but have started their own movement. It's surreal.
There's several groups in which my peers choose to gravitate to, especially for those studying overseas. I must mention the UK, the middle east, which have very prominent student organization activities.
Well, I suppose, every individual has their own reason to participate in such activities and I do not wish to be critical of it. It could be for kicks, to kill time, to enhance their credentials on their resume, spend more time with friends, networking, or even for sincerely believing in furthering their cause, whatever it may be.
Back when I was in school, the elders often warned us youngsters of being in a vulnerable position at this current age I'm in. Exposed to God knows what doctrines, by God knows what groups.
So far, I've been observant, but I am impartial to any groups, and I don't endorse anything, not openly, yet. Though I do lose out in the networking/resume-building/socializing aspect of it. I wonder if it was a wise move.
And it's funny even in my observations, I see my own circle of friends choosing their own groups of friends and acquaintances, how their circle has evolved out side of our old one.
Though, to be honest, it's nice to be part of a group with like-minded individuals who are actually on your wavelength whom you can share your thoughts with and they'd get you. I'd craved for such company all this while, though at the same time I was glad I grew up with different kinds of people, and often I ended up being the oddball and frustrated that people don't get me, but on the bright side, at least I learned some semblance of tolerance and openness from the experience.
Though I feel like over the years, I've really mellowed and perhaps, giving into my current situation in trying to find my place in the real world, I've probably stopped being as idealistic as I was in school, but sometimes, coming across groups of peers speaking of the things I once mused does remind me of the good days and gave me hope there are perhaps other people like me, or other people who believe in the same cause I once fervently did, and are making a change, or at least, materializing those ideas.
So, would it not make sense for me to reignite that old flame within me and join a cause that I believed in ? Is this not the chance to make a difference, to pursue one's hearts desires with like-minded people ? I don't know why I am holding back. I don't know why I remain skeptical. Or maybe simply passive ? Or disinterested ?
Truth be told, until I find some sort of sense of settling down in this uncertain reality, I don't think I could really occupy myself with other thoughts. I know, it doesn't feel like the best way to live, being constantly in a state of anxiety, but I guess it's just the survival instincts that keep you on your toes, and I'm not really one to go with the flow of things.
So, yes, this may not be my most eloquent post, but I've been meaning to write this for quite a while but I couldn't bring myself to pen it down. There were several times I'd open a new blog post window, type, backspace, retype and end up discarding the draft. I couldn't actually put it in proper words, but once I started writing, it just flowed.
Alright, I guess for now, there's not really a resolution to this thought, but I'll keep it where it is for now. I'm not going to make a stand until I find my own footing.