Thursday, July 02, 2015
Apa perasaan balik for good? Well, I didn't sleep the night before huha huha main game. Naik kereta gi airport huha huha nyanyi nyanyi lagi. Sampai airport too sleepy to feel anything and unimpressed with pearson. Masa nak masuk security check I felt a weight in the pit of my stomach, my knees grew weak and my steps were heavy but the rest of me felt too light that I could fall apart with a single poke. It finally dawned on me I was leaving. Half of me was scared of being late while half of me wanted to stay a little longer but was wary about shedding tears too soon. I couldn't cry then and I wanted to go away as soon as possible to avoid the crying and attachment but as I made the straight march to the door I kept looking back regretting rushing to go and not lingering a little longer. I was also hoping that I'd see those familiar faces, hoping that I could turn around and run back to them, go back home and continue playing games but I had to look forward at what's next which is the business of taking out my laptops for the security check. After I'd have settled in the airplane I started feeling short of breath. This was it. This was my last chance to send a text message but words were jumbled. I can't express what I really wanted to say. When the plane started the slow taxi seeing the outline of Missisauga pass by the tears finally came. Memories of recent and past of my escapades in Canada played in my mind. Faces of both Canadian and Malaysian friends and relatives flashed by. The tears were welling up in my eyes ready to flow and when the plane finally took off, they were not held back anymore. They poured and poured for an extended time. I cried into the tiny pillow they provided hoping to muffle my sobs. I had to tell myself to not regret anything, that I had to let go. I wanted people to miss me the way I was missing them at that moment. I continued drifting in between states of consciousness as I tried to sleep, but even as I closed my eyes the tears were still streaming with no end until I cried myself dry for 6 hours. It hurts because I didn't want it to end, I didn't have enough of it and I wanted more and I am struggling to come to terms with it. I thought of the people I were leaving behind and it hurt a lot more. It hurts too much that I had to try to calm down so that I don't tire myself as I had 9 more hours of flight to go to Hong Kong followed by a long layover. I stopped eventually, but thoughts still linger. I probably will need some time to recover. When I was on my last leg in the flight back from Hong Kong to Malaysia, I got teary again as the plane finally landed on the Motherland. That was it that was the end of my journey. When I embraced my parents it felt as if I had emerged from a long trial and isolation on a deserted island, kind of like how the kids in Lord of the Flies started crying when they were rescued. Half of me was happy I haven't seen them for so long. Half of me wanted them to understand how sad I felt that the journey ended. As we went on I also felt sad that I missed out a lot on my siblings growing up when I left them behind. Though I was anxious in trying to re-accustom myself to this now strange land when I saw my siblings I slipped into that comforting sense of familiarity. That this was where I belonged even though I was yearning to be some place else. Over these past hours since I've landed I was trying to come to terms with the fact that I have to be here a while, indefinitely. That I do not have a set time to remain here before I leave again. That I have to try to accept Malaysia for what she is now and try to live with it. It's hard wanting to belong to both places at once. When I was in Canada it was hard on me because my family was away now that I am here I feel attached to the people and life I left behind in Canada. Well, I guess for now it is enough for me to be with my family. I haven't been home in a long long time. We shall see what comes next.