Transience

Kind of a recap and reflection, although to be honest I find it hard to distinguish events in the winter of December 2012 and January 2013 due to the way the academic year works in Canada. This year I have : 1. learnt a great deal about living with people, what with all the house drama 2. tried out for a job interview, hopefully my next experience would be getting a job and earning my own money itself. to be honest, I'm pretty scared, but I'm taking baby steps. 3. I looked for a new house myself. I had it easy in first year and now I get a taste of what it's like figuring things out on your own 4. finished off second year and found out that third year really is as hard as they say. even though I tried my best to plan things I still ended up with 5 exams in a row, that was the least I've slept all my life. It really made me work hard. 5. finally missed home after a full 2 years being abroad 6. found the experience of returning home and coming back to Canada to b...

I wrote an Intermission 1, but decided against publishing it. Lately I realized that I'm holding back against expressing everything. There are some things that the world doesn't need to know, and there are better outlets for self-expression that allow for better control of your audience, and sometimes some things are better left not verbalized. And of course, what with now the companies keep tabs on your online activity. It's the same with my Facebook. My default privacy is only me, only when I feel like showing some thing, do I customize the privacy setting, so what you see, is what I intend you to see. At times, I just delete whatever I just posted as I judge it inappropriate or unnecessary. You can sort of say, I am trying to become a social media recluse, and reducing my internet presence, for fear that I might unintentionally expose myself, not that I have anything to hide, but you never know. I also have a detachment to blogging and twitter. You can say my activit...

So, I'm finally done with exams! To be honest, I wasn't too happy with my performance, the exams were a little too close together and I think I got my sleep and strength compromised throughout the exam period, but we shall see what's the real damage when the results finally come out. I've had a long list of things to do after exams, but I haven't quite found the drive to start doing them. Much of my activity involves going out, watching shows, eating and sleeping, and thank God, I found it in me to clean. lol. I've especially wanted to get all those philosophical thoughts and inspired poems and drawings onto paper or electronic media, but urm, nope, that didn't happen either. For some reason I feel that when I'm so busy learning, all the gears in my head starts working and because of that, I get ideas for the other things as well, like drawing and writing, but once I shut it off after the exam, everything else ceases with it. Which is why, for th...

My neck, shoulder, back, hip hurts from being hunched over my laptop reading notes 24/7. When I study really intensely, you can see me poring over my notes and my brows furrowing looking at the screen. Third year has been really, really tough and I feel being stretched to my physical, mental and emotional limit. Exams coming soon and it's back to back, and it's time for me to hermitize and disappear until it ends. Pray that I survive this. Till then.

Writing poetry a lot lately. I don't know why the inspiration just comes in bursts. The previous ones are about a person who's having regrets and who is a little afraid to love. This one is about a person obsessed with another person, right at the other end of the spectrum. Kind of busy with school, but some thoughts that I push to the back of my mind sometimes resurfaces at the weirdest times. I guess writing poetry helps me to sort it out and get it out of the system, and just let those "characters" speak through the poems. Some of the characters represent the different thoughts I have, some of them are basically other characters that I observe and then I wear their shoes for the time. These different characters take on multiple perspectives and may be divergent from each other. So, at times it seems like "I" have split personalities. I just like writing in first person, so there's lots of "I's". For this one, this "I" came up c...

If it could be some form of consolation To make you feel a little good about yourself It’s not that you said certain things wrong Or that I’m not someone that you deserve It’s just that the magic goes away With the proclamation of love It could be that I’m of a fickle mind And I don’t really think things through I don’t mean to be unkind, But can I un-choose you? Perhaps it doesn’t take effect on me That words have weight And that do-overs don’t come without Unscathed egos and unrealized gratifications I guess I'm a little aversive to dependence and I'm addicted to the solitude after all. it’s something about the cease of thrill The complacence The reassurance The security The closure The illusory forever-ness The stagnancy That comes with the emotionally-charged declaration Forgive me for being the cynic Believer of the absurd But it really is the end of the magic When I say those words Perhaps I chose the less...

All those lingering glances Are cause for ponder And existential contemplations Were they fleeting chances That I’d let wander Due to an excess of reason ? How could I sleep at night When occupied with could-have-beens Though I never stopped myself From not even trying These are self-inflicted wounds To my own psyche Demons I'd conjured from my mind to put my own heart in confines Burning bridges I’d wanted to cross Just because I'm afraid of falling Can you hold me for a moment So I don't come under Can you hold my hand a little while So that I no longer wander

Arbitrary title, if you please. It's just one of those nights where I'm home early, I could've done something better, but I just slip into this state of lazyness, probably because I've been out late lately. I'm just chilling by for a couple of hours, at present, with the biggest decision of the moment being whether I should eat or tuck in early tonight. I'm pretty much stuck on one assignment question and until I could get that done, I don't have a morale boost enough to declare myself productive and move on to the next one. It's okay, I'll take the chill pill for tonight. I used to be methodical when I write, like I'd have a rough idea of what I wanted to say and I'd have  a purpose. Then, I'd let myself write, going with the flow and it kind of turns out somewhat coherent. Nowadays it's pretty hard to just simply blog and end up with a piece that I can give myself a pat on the back for at the end of the day. I wonder why am I ...

You were the breath caught in my throat, The unconfident lies that I spoke,  I’m pretty sure it was obvious, The betrayal of my face To what my heart feels That I tried not hard enough to conceal. I’m pretty sure the awkward smile that broke on my lips Made naked my pleasure of seeing you up close like this You were the stuff of my juvenile fantasies, The excitement that tingled the skin, I’m pretty sure it was obvious, The infatuated mess that I’d become Whenever you come around And all of my brave front would come undone I’m pretty sure the eager sideward glances and lingering eyes Made bare of my covetous intention of you; no surprise. You are the irreconcilable distance, The ever hanging sentence, I’m pretty sure it is obvious, That you are a fleeting moment, The enticing past, The mesmerising present, But you are an unattainable future. 

I can understand the loneliness in your eyes When you realize that I don’t wear the same crease on my forehead As I’d frown, perplexed I wore a stranger’s face, although you still could recognize The girl from the past I can tell by the look on your face, you’re not willing to let go You’re holding on to that inch of familiar skin And you’re hoping the next time you’d see me I won’t further change I’d remain recognizable. You’re hoping circumstances won’t ever change the child you see in me. It makes me ever so afraid to return home a stranger to you.

There's something about being down with the flu and feeling pretty drugged by Tylenol. It says that it's non-drowsy, well, they must have lied. I kind of feel drowsy, but it's more in a limbo-like state. Almost high. I feel pretty light headed and heavy-lidded almost ready for bed, yet my thoughts seem to resist sleep. I also feel like I don't have the strength to move my body, like I'd just prefer to lay there in one heap, blanket and all, yearning for someone to talk to, yet not have the strength to move my mouth in an attempt for banal conversations. The past weeks have been going by so fast and a lot of things happen, leaving me feeling a little detached and almost, homeless. Well, in a literal sense, that's true as well, but it's more of a question of belonging. I'm actually under a social media reduction challenge. I'm not supposed to do anything social media related until this midnight, but oh well, I cheated. I started on a blog post, but I...

Credits of photos : myself, friends and family

So, last weekend I had a brief visit to Kelantan. I'd never thought I'd actually see it again for a very long time. Nothing much has changed along the way, but Kota Bharu got itself a flyover in my absence and it's starting to look pretty busy. I didn't really take that many pictures or did as many things as I would like to do, but here are a few brief stuff which ended up on my instagram. Mostly food related stuff. Had a brief meet up with my friends and that's about it.

It just occurred to me, that despite sharing the exact same experiences, two people may perceive and change differently. I always thought that naturally, my being away overseas, having the opportunity to see and experience things and meet people that my peers who stayed home couldn't, they and I would have changed world views. Being in school, uniformity is demanded, and there's not much difference from how one person sees things from another, or at least, even if there were any difference, you can sort of understand why you think differently from your peers. Being away, I have no idea what these people go through, and I always ended up with the conclusion that "they and I are of different worlds now, I had the opportunity to see things and meet people that they couldn't. They couldn't understand because they didn't have that chance, but if they did, they would have, might have felt the same." Bu then I look at my peers who goes through about the s...

Heyyo. About seven days already I'm back in town. To keep it brief, I'm pretty content being with my family and all. Malaysian food, for some reason, I'm kinda over the excitement, well, maybe because I can get stuff pretty close to Asian stuff over there. Except for the stuff that I really can't get over there like weird cow parts. hahahaha Anyways, after a few years in Canada, my conception of Malaysia is mainly based on stuff I read of Facebook, so I guess, it's about high time I get things back into perspective with this short visit. So, what I've observed so far : 1. majalah picisan like gempak, etc are pretty updated on the latest stuff in anime. It's amazing that people are into/are aware of the same thing in real time all over the world. globalization, they say. use of whatsapp is also so rampant. and people are insanely fixated on tablets. face to screen at all times. this is not so in Canada. when they meet people, they face people, not scree...

Faris Petra : Revisited                Exactly four years ago, I stood at the podium, about to begin my speech for a slot during assemblies given to chosen students to deliver a 3-minute speech on any topic they pleased. So, I took a deep breath and started with “I can’t wait to leave this school.”                 Eyes were on me as I’ve said that almost blasphemous line, and so I added at the end, “but I will leave behind unforgettable memories.” I didn’t say it just to get myself out of the fix, I really did mean it.                I wished the speech was more refined, as I went about it with no prepared text, and the words were as raw as it could get. I went on to talk about the memories I had from 2005 to 2009. I also said that I’d never find teachers such as this anywhere else in the wor...