Transience

maaf, entri kali ini berbaur rojak dan tidak formal sama sekali. berhenti sejenak meluahkan perasaan terbuka. kerja bertambun itu memanglah, tidak boleh dinafikan. mula rasa tekanan masa dan kerja. walau bagaimanapun, aku cuba sedaya upaya untuk sentiasa updated dengan kerja. minggu ketiga ini nyata sudah menimbulkan kesan-kesan kepenatan pada diriku. hari Isnin, walaupun kutidur awal, tetapi silap tersedar lambat sedikit sahaja daripada biasa terpaksa beratur untuk menaiki bas. nyaris lambat dibuatnya. pada hari yang sama juga ada masa pembelajaran di makmal, maka berlari-lari pula ke makmal di main kampus daripada wisma subang jaya. kemudian pada petangnya pula, kelas tambahan bahasa Inggeris bermula, sesudahnya kelas tersebut, berlari pula ke main kampus untuk audition. Audition pula disuruhnya menari. rasanya tidak layak barangkali.haha. sebelah malamnya pula, ada program kerohanian di surau. honestly, aku tidak ikhlas berada di situ kerana hati gusar memikirkan lambakan ...

Oh my God, I can't believe I'd be so profoundly affected by the ending of Toy Story. Toy Story, a kid's movie. Yeah, I know I always turn my nose up at kiddy flicks, but Toy Story 3...oh my God...it was saaad.. (WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD!) especially in the scene where they were about to go down in the furnace. They held hands, totally accepting of their fate that everything is over. This is where it ends. The saddest part was when Andy was giving away his toys to Bonnie, when he came to Woody, that was when the tears started flowing. After not playing those toys for a long time, he played with them for the last time with Bonnie. That was sad. So sad. I know, I chucked all my totys out without any feelings at all. Well, I try to be as emotionally detached to them, well, actually, that's what I do with most of everything in my life. Ironic isn't it? I'm such an emotional person, but when it comes to parting, I spare myself and resort to as minimal damage pos...

Hi everyone! What a perky way to start, very unusual of me, and as if I actually have a big audience reading this blog. Oh well, I guess, I am..alright        still     ? Works are piling up, I have quizzes/tests/assignments due almost on a weekly basis, and at the same time, I have to keep up with the daily syllabus. I was just trying to put my finger on Quantum Chemistry. Some people have it easy because in their brief time at Uni, they already learnt a bit. Today I have to finish Advanced Functions poster, Chemistry and Essay research on Social Evils (I hate this, but I have to do it, so yeah). Computer Science just started to get serious recently, and I have to be very detailed especially because the program is case-sensitive, and the spacing as well, I have to take note of that. I might need to get a new portable information storage device soon. Then, there's the community service to think about. There are many opti...

I just finished reading Lord of The Flies by William Golding. The literary text for ENG3U. We have Macbeth also, but I have yet to read that. Lord of The Flies started off pretttyy boring and slow at the beginning, but later on, after a strange turn of events, it started to get really scary, terrifying in fact, as it explores change of human nature, the evilness created in dire circumstances. What makes it even more terrifying is that the humans in question were only children, school boys, yet, they were capable of that malevolent transformation. It was sad and depressing, very depressing, I felt like it created a sort of shadow over my somewhat mundane weekend. Wait till I get to the lesson, I bet they're taking it into great detail. wooyeah?

i wanna bring: mangkuk pinggan microwavable utensils mug sudu garpu dictionary for english class mangkuk pinggan sudu garpu a lot yang orang tinggal, tapi buruklah. my senior tak bagi bawa pans, they said just masak dalam puyuk nasi.dengki ohh dengan Amin Ramli. room mate dia rajin masak, sometimes they  give him packed lunch at Sunway College. cis. i wanna buy: sausages sardines bawang lauk beras spices paste kicap ketchup maggie I miss cooking curry. I love making curry. ohh God, I still am doing things on impulse and mood. I shouldnt be doing this. Thank God I don't have that many assignments this weekend. Am being pretty lazy. I missed the bus this morning for the welcoming party today at Taylor's. Brain, do wake up!!!!!!

CPU is damn busy. Yeah, and the community service to think about. This is first day: I woke up at 5.45 am. I got myself ready at 6.15. Got on the bus and bus moves at 6.30 am. I reached there an hour earlier before my class started. 1st period was Advanced Functions with Ms. Cultraro, a twenty-something really pretty lecturer. Started off with ice-breaking. We were required to ask other people to answer Maths questions on a piece of paper. I know, they were simple maths and Add Maths, but my brain has been half-dead for so long, I was like, wha-? oh..God, I hope it doesnt happen again! I answered two questions incorrectly. Oh, and she told us to get the textbook, tomorrow we're using it. She said, actually they only allow original copies, but yeah, she knows we have a financial constraint, so she's going to pretend she didn't say anything, but if the Candian officers come and check up on us, it's gotta go into hiding. Original copies costs RM 215, the photostat ve...

First of all, I'm staying at Casa Subang. and it's creepy. why? 1. dimly-lit hallways 2. lots of blacks, damn I sound racist, some of them do get drunk. my room is: 1. cramped 2. hot I HAVE YET TO FIND A CALENDER AND A PLANNER. grr.... takkan aku nak jalan pergi Summit, letih wo. So, next time I go back home, I need to get some more stuff. oh yeah, I HATE SUBANG TRAFFIC. Tomorrow my class starts. YAY! My temporary schedule, that is, if I can change it la: Friggin' 8.00 am to 9.15 am: Advanced Functions (oh, Cikgu Zakiah, I remember how sleepy I was in your Add Maths class in the morning, now no more) 9.15 am to 10.30 am: International Business Fundamentals (why laa?? Bot got Computer Science, no fair) 10.30 am to 11.15 am: Chemistry I forgot the time, but after that it's English. I finish around 1. But for Orientation week, we have all these workshops in the afternoon at 3 to 4, oh, and LOTS of workshop, so, still have to stay back.. ...

It's incomprehensible I came to you like a dream For a second, I embrace you. You reach out to touch me, but like smoke, I just slip through your fingers. I catch a glimpse of a confused expression. I sink in guilt, discontent. My heart broken. Existentially, it feels like coming to your window at night, watching you sleep hesitating if whether or not I should wake you, but only to walk away in regret, enclosed in a cloak of unintended seclusion. Our moment seems too brief, but it is what I made myself to grudgingly feel content with. The wind shakes me of my existance. For I am like smoke, and I easily slip through your fingers. Is it possible some day to catch me? Keep me in a bottle, and put me close to your heart. For even if I can't feel you, but with you, I feel home.

Well, I'm back from Kelantan, still a relentless ball of energy. weird. I went back to school, I didn't see all of the teachers. Teacher Rozi is almost always not around everytime I returned to Kelantan. Suddenly, all those school memories came flooding back to me. I could almost see my girls and I  celebrating Habibah's birthday with a snow-white cake at the Sick Bay. It ended abruptly when Amy stubbed her toenail that night. I could see Jaja and I during afternoon prep, playing around at the garden, well, looks less like a garden now, in front of the library, pigging out on buah celagi. I saw myself hanging around the pantry with the other kids, stuffing themselves with candy during recess. I saw many things, you know, like your life flashes before your eyes thing. Then, the 3 Alpha corridor. The cloudy starless night before Chemistry exam. The rush of emotions, the weakening in the knees, the shaking of the hands, the hot flushed face and cold sweat running d...

I've started packing for college! I have one big bag of clothes. Itu pun ada lagi yang belum cukup. I took out some. Well, I didn't know what to bring, I just put everything I felt like wearing, shortsleeved shirts, long-sleeved t-shirts, blouses, jeans, slacks, tracksuits, I even brought two pairs of my nenek's kurung, because I haven't worn them yet. My tudungs of various colors, brooches. Hangars and clothes pegs. washing stuff, I'm missing a berus and baldi . and cadar . Toiletries. Another smaller bag of stationary, my mum's General Chemistry (God, I hate the typewriter font) and Calculus books (which of course, I tried reading, but I don't really get it), TOEFL textbook, just in case I decide to take it on my own, see how it goes with this ICPU thing first. I also brought my Form 5 Physics and Chemistry notes. I have yet to buy log books which  plan to use during lectures, they're a lot easier to manage compared to lose sheets of paper. you k...

Things not yet done regarding borang: 1. isi borang kedudukan kewangan. 2. sign and date for surat jawapan, aku janji, Taylor's 3. incomplete Taylor's form (I don't know which subjects to tick. maybe JPA will decide) Things to buy: 1. cadar 2. baldi? 3. erhhm...barang wanita Belum buat: 1. hantar salinan surat JPA for PLKN postponement 2. collect sijil Full Colors from SBP. and.....packing!!! cis. why la the last three FIFA matches at 2 a.m.??

I've left but not entirely. I keep stealing glances over my shoulder, only to see through the mist, vaguely, and slowly disappearing, the image of a life I had to leave behind. Why do i still leave a trail of crumbs? When I know I am to cross a ravine and I won't be going back to pick up the trail. They beckon me to go, I await a more exciting adventure ahead of me Yet, why this reluctance? My feet takes me away, and I steal glances backward, only to see them waving me off on my journey. Life goes on. Three simple words. How can I be happy if I have regrets? Said one. I tell myself, no, this is not regret. Rather, I just left, but not entirely.

I've been blogging a lot lately, mentang-mentang nak masuk college. I'm feeling sleepy, I know it's only 10 something. anyway, I was just thinking about being multilingual. yes, in Malaysia, you're at least bilingual. BM and English. When I was little, I used to love watching Chinese drama at night on TV2. I think it was usually aired around 9 PM. I remembered a few vaguely, Dragon Love, My Fair Princess and Jewel In The Palace. I also enjoyed watching Spanish soaps usually aired around 1 PM, 3 PM onwards. La Intrusa, Maria Mercedes, Paula Paulina, Rosalinda, Juana La Viroen, Secreto De Amor, Mis Tres Hermanas, oh and others. Plus, my Ma's got Spanish textbooks lying around, and at that time, Las Ketchup just popped into the music scene. Then of course, I started watching anime on AXN. Ranma 1/2, Ayashi No Ceres, You Are Under Arrest 2, Gensomaden Sayuki, Rave and all-time favorite Samurai X. My dad's got his Japanese textbooks lying around as well. Oh...

Almaklumlah, saya ini bukannya ahli sangat mengenai sukan bola sepak ini, malahan, baru sahaja dalam bulan ini berkenal-kenalan dengan Messi, Teves, Higuain, Neuer, Ozil, Schwensteiger, Mueller, Podolski, Boateng. Saya baru juga memahami konsep off side . Layakkah saya memberikan komentar mengenai sukan ini? Well , saya menulis bukan untuk impress sesiapa pun, sekadar berkongsi pandangan mata kasar seorang yang buta bola dan ignorant mengenai perkembangan sukan mengenai apa yang dianggap menarik dalam match Argentina vs Germany baru-baru ini. For one thing , apabila saya menonton match Germany vs. England, nyata, saya jatuh hati dengan cara permainan Germany. Tidak kisahlah pemain England lebih dikenali berbanding pemain Germany pun, saya difahamkan pemain Germany pemain baru lagi muda-muda. Walau bagaimanapun,  agility dan kecergasan pemain germany ini sememangnya memikat hati. Jadinya, walaupun saya sudah sedia maklum, ramai rakan-rakan sekalian menyokong Argentina, well...

Yes! I have finished Yasmin Ahmad's movie marathon! The only thing I haven't watched is her telemovie Rabun. Before I start on my review, have you noticed I have been posting poems lately? I had my essay streak the other day, now I'm on a poetry streak well due to the fact that I've been coaxing myself that I won't see my essays again. *sob, sob*. Well, it's actually easier to write an essay, but when inspiration comes, or you just can't seem to express yourself with the correct words, you feel you sentences are too empty, or that you want to say something, but are afraid you'd say too much, poetry is a good outlet to do so. So, I watched Mukhsin, the last in the Orked trilogy. It is more 'Malay' than the previous ones. However, there is an issue of breaking through the Malay stereotypes.   Neighbors who jaga tepi kain orang, little girls playing brides and grooms. The odd one out is Orked because she hates playing brides and grooms and plays...

Abound by uncertainty and relentless anxiety; I look for peace in verses; Praying it would show me from whithin, a compass Stuck in this moment where I sit in silence; I think about amendments and hope for an ocean of patience I can paint a dream as vivid as it seems As to whether or not my feet could take me there, unchallenged by obstacles and boundaries is anybody's guess A journey of obscurity; reality and fantasy, two such different entities a part of a bigger complexity fate and destiny my only weapons now are my hopes and faith I could fight, and all my fight's worth is not mine to decide In all perplexity of this ambiguity, the only thing certain is death I seek refuge, salvation, peace in verses holy.

Duduknya bertelut di kaki sejadah, kelompangan jiwanya makin terasa; Di manakah letak duduknya dirinya dalam saujana kurnian-Nya? Omelan hati kecilnya menggoncang tiang fikirannya, mengacah pendiriannya, mengganggu gugah resolusinya; Begitu lemah diri insan sahaya Ratapnya atas kehinaan dirinya; Jauh rasanya dari rahmat Tuhan; Kecelaruan antara nafsu dan rasional semakin mengusut di sudut hati Lepaskanlah aku dari belenggu ini; Aku ingin kembali ke pangkuan-Mu, berdamping dengan-Mu, membelai kasih-Mu, mengucup rahmat-Mu, memeluk redha-Mu, menatap cahaya-Mu, sesungguhnya aku hanyalah hamba-Mu yang kerdil dan lemah. note: this is a Malay puisi, and is religiously-themed. Only my second Malay poem with a religious theme. I have yet to write English ones in this genre.

I wrote this poem during Mr. Dol's (Faris Petra's previous PK HEM who's now headmaster of SMK Kubang Telaga) farewell, but I guess it can apply to all my friends now. I wouldn't want to give you empty words, but why does this sentence feel incomplete? If only you knew just how much it hurts, to not know when ever again we'll meet. I wouldn't want to shed cold tears, when I'd be embracing you I just want to make it really clear, when you're gone, I'll be missing you. What can I do, what can I say? I wish you well when you're on your way. May God bless you always.

And I'm posting 'em here! Eh? I keep a diary? Well, those were the blog-less days. It's a good place to write your feelings down when you're feling upset and not wanting to let it out to anyone else. Oh, another eason I had it because I was so busy in 2009, plus secretarial work (har, har. Ironically they chose the person with the ugliest handwriting to do the job!). Anyway, this one's entitled Awkward. I tangled my shoelaces in seven different places I swear the cat got my tongue and everybody's asking me "what's wrong?" I guess it's pretty obvious How silly I've been lately The way I'm suddenly self-conscious When you're hanging around with me Why does it suddenly feel different? When all this while we had been friends now complicated by these stupid feelings I wish I were dreaming Did I just tell it to your face? I've tried my best to keep it all inside and throw it all away So we'd be normal as alw...

Just like the fact that every living thing will die and man propose, God dispose, here are a few more things: From Teacher Nazlin's facebook status: Truth is, everyone's going to hurt you. You just have to find the ones that are worth suffering for. Not everything goes 100% according to plan. That is why we can only hope for the best, yet we still prepare ourselves for the worst. Embracing the fact that there is a possibility of something that might go wrong, keeps us on our feet just in case anything bad happens. So, okay, it didn't go according to plan, act on Plan B. Don't destroy yourself. Sometimes we forget and take things forgranted, and it takes a MAJOR crisis to give us a wake up call to how shitty our attitude has been lately. Other people have feelings too. Too much critiscism in one go is not constructive. Being mature is about choosing your battles. Acting, talking and deciding appropriately and rationally, and not overruled by emotions. At certain tim...