Tuesday, July 27, 2010

aku rasa macam aku ni jahat kot

maaf, entri kali ini berbaur rojak dan tidak formal sama sekali. berhenti sejenak meluahkan perasaan terbuka.

kerja bertambun itu memanglah, tidak boleh dinafikan. mula rasa tekanan masa dan kerja. walau bagaimanapun, aku cuba sedaya upaya untuk sentiasa updated dengan kerja.

minggu ketiga ini nyata sudah menimbulkan kesan-kesan kepenatan pada diriku. hari Isnin, walaupun kutidur awal, tetapi silap tersedar lambat sedikit sahaja daripada biasa terpaksa beratur untuk menaiki bas. nyaris lambat dibuatnya. pada hari yang sama juga ada masa pembelajaran di makmal, maka berlari-lari pula ke makmal di main kampus daripada wisma subang jaya. kemudian pada petangnya pula, kelas tambahan bahasa Inggeris bermula, sesudahnya kelas tersebut, berlari pula ke main kampus untuk audition. Audition pula disuruhnya menari. rasanya tidak layak barangkali.haha.

sebelah malamnya pula, ada program kerohanian di surau. honestly, aku tidak ikhlas berada di situ kerana hati gusar memikirkan lambakan kerja yang masih belum disiapkan. jadi, separuh jalan dalam program, aku meminta izin meninggalkan majlis. dalam perjalanan, aku berasa serba salah, lantaran terbuku perasaan refleksi diri yang membuak-buak di benak.

aku mengakui aku tidak sempurna. aku tidak biasa mempraktikkan diri dengan aktiviti rohani ini. bukan aku tidak tahu signifikan keperluan rohani ini dalam hidup, kerana sudah banyak kali dididik di sekolah dulu. kadang kala rasanya seperti belajar sekadar untuk lulus periksa sahaja, tetapi sekurang-kurangnya kini, aku sudah sedikit sebanyak sedar kepentingannya, walaupun masih agak sukar untuk mempraktikkannya secara istiqamah.

mengapa masih ada 'bisikan-bisikan' halus dalam kepala ini?

dulu aku memandang enteng golongan 'beragama' ini kerana ramai daripada mereka yang pada pandanganku pada masa itu pincang dan berfikiran tertutup. Kolot. Pernahku gunakan perkataan itu. Yang bertudung tetapi masih melakukan perbuatan serong juga aku jeh. Pada pandanganku tiada guna sahaja. Disangka baik, tapi masih juga melakukan perkara-perkara buruk itu. malahan kadangkala lebih buruk daripada orang yang kurang ilmu agamanya.golongan ini suka betul condemn orang kerana tidak mengikut 'norma' mereka. men-cop itu ini kafir dan un-Islamiclah. "kau tidak paki tudung, macam orang kafir. macam bukan orang Islan.nanti kau masuk neraka." aku memandang golongan ini golongan yang angkuh, kerana ada di antara mereka memandang rendah orang yang kurang ilmu agamanya.

semasa aku di sekolah rendah dulu juga, aku kurang menyenangi golongan ini. aku tidak memakai tudung itu satu sebab, satu sebab yang lain golongan ini juga kurang menyenangiku juga kerana aku kerap berbahasa Inggeris. mereka menuduhku membangga-banggakan bangsa Barat yang beragama Kristian. apa kaitannya bahasa dengan agama? bukan bermaksud aku menganuti agama Kristian. bagaimana pula orang Muslim di negara-negara Eropah?  adakah mereka murtad kerana berbahasa Inggeris? rasanya tidak salah untuk berbahasa Inggeris lebih-lebih lagi untuk membincangkan hal-hal agama. Bahasa Inggeris bahasa universal, mungkin boleh digunakan sebagai media untuk berdakwah kepada orang Barat agar mendekati Islam.

tetapi kini, aku sudah mengenali berbagai jenis orang. bukan semua 'golongan beragama' itu seperti yang disangka pada awalnya. ada juga yang betul-betul hebat orangnya. yang sememangnya berfikiran terbuka dan berfikiran kehadapan. tetapi orang-orang ini jarang jumpalah. ada juga yang baik dan berbudi bahasa, tidak dinafikan. persepsi asal aku tentang stereotaip golongan ini sedikit sebanyak mengalami perubahan ke arah yang lebih baik, kerana aku mula menyedari kepentingan agama sebagai panduan hidup. alhamdulillah, aku bersyukur sekarang aku tahu juga menutup aurat, solat, dan mengamalkan tuntutan-tuntutan agama yang paling minima.

baru-baru ini sahaja baru aku dikhabarkan dengan kekuasaan Tuhan.aku tidak berjaya mendapat apa-apa biasiswa, mujur sahaja berkat usaha dan doa, berjaya juga aku berada di sini.

mengapa liat sangat mahuku dekatkan diri dengan Tuhan? bukankah kalau aku lebih menjauhkan diri lagi sukar untuk aku mendapat pertolongan dan hidayat-Nya?

tidak terbayang aku nanti bulan ramadan ini bagaimana. dengan kesibukan yang semakin menggila, malam sahaja waktu yang ada untuk menyiapkan segala-galanya. bulan ramadanlah masanya untuk melakukan ibadat sunat seperti solat tarawikh. takkan aku nak sia-siakan peluang ini untuk beribadat demi kerja? tetapi bila pula masa untukku melakukan kerja tersebut?
di sekolah dulu pun memang aku selalu masuk kes disiplin berkaitan keagamaan ini. entahlah. aku ni memang liatlah. perasaan memberontak itu sentiasa membara dalam jiwa.tetapi bab-bab pergaulan aku tidaklah liar mana, cuma yang berkaitan dengan amalan, menghadiri usrah dan program-program ini. uhh..berat sungguh untuk dilakukan. memang aku selalu dipaksa. ya, memang aku mengaku, aku dulu tidak menjaga solat. sekarang sekurang-kurangnya aku tahu juga solat lima waktu, walaupun masih ada dua tiga kali juga tertinggal sana sini. tapi aku bersyukur, aku masih ada keinginan dan usaha untuk membaiki diri, walaupun di dasar hati aku tahu aku mampu untuk melakukan yang lebih baik.

tetapi apabila berkaitan dengan ceramah, usrah, program-program yang memang mengambil masa sedikitlah, aku masih payah untuk mengikhlaskan diri. bukan aku tidak tahu, dapat pahala sekiranya menghadiri majlis ilmu. ya, aku tahu.

tetapi akibat kekangan masa dan tuntutan dunia, aku menjadi serba salah.

kawanku membandingkan aktiviti ceramah Agama ini dengan ceramah kesihatan. Pada hematnya, kerja sekolah juga perlu diberi keutamaan.

Aku sentiasa berdebat dengan diriku sendiri. debat itu tidak pernah berakhir. sampai ke saat ini pun, aku kadangkala masih terasa bahang debat itu.

ya, manusia sering lupa, kadangkala kita memerlukan tazkirah dan sebagainya. sekiranya kita menghadiri majlis ilmu dengan niat yang ikhlas, insyaAllah kita dapat memanfaatkannya, Tuhan akan membantu kita. kita perlu luangkan masa untuk melakukan aktiviti ini, tetapi jika masa itu juga diperlukan untuk kerja.

sebelah akan mengatakan: "seimbangkan amalan dunia dan akhirat."

sebelah lagi akan kata: "masih ada cara lain lagi untuk memantapkan Iman. bukankah ada masa luang lain? sekarang masa tidak luang. Priority ialah kerja."

sampai sekarang aku masih ingat di sekolah dulu, namaku pernah tersenarai untuk program selepas Isya' pada setiap malam untuk 40 hari. Program itu selalunya berakhir lebih kurang pukul 9.30.maka memendekkan masa prep. tidak ada satu hari pun pernah aku pergi untuk program tersebut kerana mengejar masa untuk siapkan kerja. aku tidak menangguh, cuma pada masa itu kebetulan banyak kerja.

ya, semua orang ada kerja. tetapi aku tidak gila untuk mengorbankan masa tidur untuk menyiapkan tidur. waktu tidur ialah waktu tidur, wkatu kerja ialah waktu kerja.sedemikianlah aku sudah tetapkan dan sedemikianlah perlu dilaksanakan.

ya, aku tahu, aku tidak layak berbicara seperti ini. dalam pengakuan ini juga banyak kepincangan yang boleh didapati yang memudahkan kalian membidas hujah-hujahku. aku tidak berniat berhujah, tidak. cuma luahan perasaan semata-mata, dan aku bukan berniat merendahkan sesiapa, lebih-lebih lagi agama, cuma, beginilah perasaan yang terkandung dalam benakku kini. dan nyata, aku rasa macam aku ni jahat kot.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

In Tears

Oh my God, I can't believe I'd be so profoundly affected by the ending of Toy Story. Toy Story, a kid's movie. Yeah, I know I always turn my nose up at kiddy flicks, but Toy Story 3...oh my God...it was saaad..


(WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD!)

especially in the scene where they were about to go down in the furnace. They held hands, totally accepting of their fate that everything is over. This is where it ends. The saddest part was when Andy was giving away his toys to Bonnie, when he came to Woody, that was when the tears started flowing. After not playing those toys for a long time, he played with them for the last time with Bonnie. That was sad. So sad.

I know, I chucked all my totys out without any feelings at all. Well, I try to be as emotionally detached to them, well, actually, that's what I do with most of everything in my life. Ironic isn't it? I'm such an emotional person, but when it comes to parting, I spare myself and resort to as minimal damage possible, without the emotonal baggage. What does that make me?

Heck, I'd still be missing you. Eventually, people move on, right, because life goes on?

There are not many indispensable things in life, or so it seems. Well, who knows.

Moving on is never easy, but it's inevitable.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Alright, still ?

Hi everyone!

What a perky way to start, very unusual of me, and as if I actually have a big audience reading this blog.

Oh well, I guess, I am..alright        still     ?



Works are piling up, I have quizzes/tests/assignments due almost on a weekly basis, and at the same time, I have to keep up with the daily syllabus. I was just trying to put my finger on Quantum Chemistry. Some people have it easy because in their brief time at Uni, they already learnt a bit. Today I have to finish Advanced Functions poster, Chemistry and Essay research on Social Evils (I hate this, but I have to do it, so yeah). Computer Science just started to get serious recently, and I have to be very detailed especially because the program is case-sensitive, and the spacing as well, I have to take note of that. I might need to get a new portable information storage device soon.

Then, there's the community service to think about.

There are many options. Most of these people just want to wait for second semester to do it, or their Mentors to get them hopping to it, most of the time just going to Zoo Negara. I've been to a few community service meetings, there's lots to choose from. The Burmese Refugee School thing, they want people for fund-raising, media write-ups, workshop facilitator volunteers and website designers. They're doing the fund-raising and workshops on weekends, throughout August to November.

Then, there's the Somalian Refugee Education Centre thing, another meeting due Tuesday next week if I'm interested. Basically they're having a one-day training to teach English and Maths according to the syllabus of the Education Centre. They go three times a week there, on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Friday, but participants have to commit themselves going there once a week on either days for four consecutive months. It takes one hour to get to the Education Centre, which is in Gombak, by the way, then teach for one-and-a-half hour or two hours or so, and then another hour back. Probably between 3.30 pm to 7.00 pm. After completing this, you also get a letter from UN, acknowledging your participation. Sounds good, interesting, I didn't even know KL has these, but yeah, pretty heavy on the commitment thing, so I have to think about it.

I went for singing audition yesterday, they're going to have callbacks next week. I was thinking of signing up for Promotion Crew or something. The show will be in October.

My friend from KISAS also offered me a job as a facilitator for English In Camp which will be organized in KISAS from 6th to 8th August. I have a test on the 6th, but at least, if I could make it, I wouldn't have to worry about Community Service anymore. Well, I'm waiting for him to send the schedule.

And of course, since I'm part of PKTR, there might be something that I can involve myself in for community service.

Or, I could participate in any Charity Program-related clubs and participate in their activities.

See? I have so many options to consider, and most of them sounds interesting, (needs a lot of time and commitment. Not that I'm not passionate about these things, I do enjoy them, I really do, but the worry of work and studies, it bogs me down, like in school. I guess, I am destined to have this insanely busy life. Always rushing here and there and finally when I shut down, I really shut down. haha) and I need to do a lot of thinking to decide what to do, and time management and organization to put things in order, apart from getting my work done.

Okay, signing off for now.

Till next time.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

It was boring at first, then it got FRIGHTENING

I just finished reading Lord of The Flies by William Golding. The literary text for ENG3U. We have Macbeth also, but I have yet to read that.

Lord of The Flies started off pretttyy boring and slow at the beginning, but later on, after a strange turn of events, it started to get really scary, terrifying in fact, as it explores change of human nature, the evilness created in dire circumstances. What makes it even more terrifying is that the humans in question were only children, school boys, yet, they were capable of that malevolent transformation.

It was sad and depressing, very depressing, I felt like it created a sort of shadow over my somewhat mundane weekend. Wait till I get to the lesson, I bet they're taking it into great detail. wooyeah?

Saturday, July 17, 2010

the next time am going back

i wanna bring:

mangkuk
pinggan
microwavable utensils
mug
sudu garpu

dictionary for english class

mangkuk pinggan sudu garpu a lot yang orang tinggal, tapi buruklah. my senior tak bagi bawa pans, they said just masak dalam puyuk nasi.dengki ohh dengan Amin Ramli. room mate dia rajin masak, sometimes they  give him packed lunch at Sunway College. cis.

i wanna buy:

sausages
sardines
bawang
lauk
beras
spices
paste
kicap
ketchup
maggie


I miss cooking curry. I love making curry.

ohh God, I still am doing things on impulse and mood. I shouldnt be doing this. Thank God I don't have that many assignments this weekend. Am being pretty lazy. I missed the bus this morning for the welcoming party today at Taylor's.


Brain, do wake up!!!!!!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

First Day of Insanity

CPU is damn busy. Yeah, and the community service to think about. This is first day:

I woke up at 5.45 am. I got myself ready at 6.15. Got on the bus and bus moves at 6.30 am. I reached there an hour earlier before my class started.

1st period was Advanced Functions with Ms. Cultraro, a twenty-something really pretty lecturer. Started off with ice-breaking. We were required to ask other people to answer Maths questions on a piece of paper. I know, they were simple maths and Add Maths, but my brain has been half-dead for so long, I was like, wha-? oh..God, I hope it doesnt happen again! I answered two questions incorrectly. Oh, and she told us to get the textbook, tomorrow we're using it. She said, actually they only allow original copies, but yeah, she knows we have a financial constraint, so she's going to pretend she didn't say anything, but if the Candian officers come and check up on us, it's gotta go into hiding. Original copies costs RM 215, the photostat version is about RM30-RM40. Second hand is RM100. Oh yeah, and luckily sponsor students don't have to buy the graphical calculator that costs a whopping RM 200? I think we will be provided.

2nd period was International Business Fundamentals with Ms. Hacker. She's really hip, the most fun lecturer I had so far. This is the smallest class size I've been in. Dickson's with me in the class, and it's so fun to have him. There were also MANY international students. And I was supposed to sit beside a KOREAN guy, NADIA and QISSU, DO ooze with jealousy of me. Not that I'm into Korean guys, but I know those two girls are like so hooked on K-Pop. Ms. Hacker actually made an effort to actually try remember our names. She asked us to introduce ourselves and say something to help her remember our names. So, since my name is Kamilah, and she pronounced it like Camilla, so I told her, think of Prince Charles' mistress, well, actually now she's his official wife. She asked us to open Blackboard 7 to print notes for tomorrow.

Both Ms. Hacker and Ms. Cultraro love to travel, that's for sure.

Next is Chemistry with Andrew Wong. He gave us a detailed explanation on how they calculate the evaluation for coursework. Points to note are:

1. Mode of calculation is Blended Median Calculation. So for each assessment, marks should not deviate or fluctuate to maintain a high median mark.
2. Unit test, which is conducted after every end of each unit (one unit at average is about 2 or 3 weeks long) has the highest weightage of 3.
3. By mid-sem, there will already be 2 unit tests, 5 quizzes, 2 assignments.
4. Monday is lab day. Goggles and lab coat will be provided, must show receipt.
5. For Chemistry, you are evaluated on Knowledge (25%), Application (25%), Thinking (10%) and Communication (10%)

Then, it's English, no, I hadn't any breaks in between, so it's rush, rush, rush to each class, so exhausted.

For English, we didn't do anything, Mr. Joshua James was so laidback. He asked us to buy a Grammar book, Lord of The Flies and Macbeth, and each one costing about RM 40 for original copy, but I don't have to buy it until next week. haiiyyoo..

So, today, I settled quite a few things, I got a few friends to buy the photostat version of Advanced Functions textbook, so I can get it at a cheaper price. Next one is Chemistry. AND I changed my timetable!

New timetable:

8-9.15 am (still start at friggin 8): Advanced Functions
9.15-10.30 am: Computer Science
10.30-11.45 am: Chemistry
11.45-1 pm: Break
1-2.15 pm: Eng3U

hoyeah..I don't have to do Business assignment!!!!! but then again, bye-bye Ms. Hacker, Dickson. C'mon, Business is not accepted as a requirement for Engineering.

So, next sem, what happens if I add Bio?

I miss school days. Books are subsidized and we can spend all we like on food.

okay, don't have that much time. am at cyber cafe.tata

Monday, July 12, 2010

Welcome To College

First of all, I'm staying at Casa Subang.

and it's creepy.

why?

1. dimly-lit hallways
2. lots of blacks, damn I sound racist, some of them do get drunk.


my room is:

1. cramped
2. hot


I HAVE YET TO FIND A CALENDER AND A PLANNER. grr.... takkan aku nak jalan pergi Summit, letih wo.

So, next time I go back home, I need to get some more stuff.

oh yeah, I HATE SUBANG TRAFFIC.

Tomorrow my class starts. YAY!

My temporary schedule, that is, if I can change it la:

Friggin' 8.00 am to 9.15 am: Advanced Functions (oh, Cikgu Zakiah, I remember how sleepy I was in your Add Maths class in the morning, now no more)

9.15 am to 10.30 am: International Business Fundamentals (why laa?? Bot got Computer Science, no fair)

10.30 am to 11.15 am: Chemistry

I forgot the time, but after that it's English. I finish around 1.


But for Orientation week, we have all these workshops in the afternoon at 3 to 4, oh, and LOTS of workshop, so, still have to stay back..


anyway, I miss Muja. She will always follow me when it comes to food, perempuan di sini semuanya diet.

I miss Amylea because she knows a good bargain when she sees one at any stores. yes, my all time teman outing, Hanani.

I miss Jaja for those midnight jokes.


oh yeah, and I bet INTEC smells like BUDU.



okay, then. I don't have much time. I'm at the cyber cafe. so will log out now. tata.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Home

It's incomprehensible
I came to you like a dream
For a second,
I embrace you.

You reach out to touch me,
but like smoke,
I just slip through your fingers.

I catch a glimpse
of a confused expression.
I sink in guilt,
discontent.
My heart broken.

Existentially,
it feels like coming to your window at night,
watching you sleep
hesitating if whether or not I should wake you,
but only to walk away in regret,
enclosed in a cloak of unintended seclusion.

Our moment seems too brief,
but it is what I made myself to grudgingly feel content with.
The wind shakes me of my existance.

For I am like smoke,
and I easily slip through your fingers.

Is it possible some day to catch me?
Keep me in a bottle,
and put me close to your heart.

For even if I can't feel you,
but with you, I feel home.

It's All Coming Back To Me Now

Well, I'm back from Kelantan, still a relentless ball of energy. weird.

I went back to school, I didn't see all of the teachers. Teacher Rozi is almost always not around everytime I returned to Kelantan. Suddenly, all those school memories came flooding back to me.

I could almost see my girls and I  celebrating Habibah's birthday with a snow-white cake at the Sick Bay. It ended abruptly when Amy stubbed her toenail that night.

I could see Jaja and I during afternoon prep, playing around at the garden, well, looks less like a garden now, in front of the library, pigging out on buah celagi.

I saw myself hanging around the pantry with the other kids, stuffing themselves with candy during recess.

I saw many things, you know, like your life flashes before your eyes thing.

Then, the 3 Alpha corridor. The cloudy starless night before Chemistry exam. The rush of emotions, the weakening in the knees, the shaking of the hands, the hot flushed face and cold sweat running down the neck. Simply unforgettable.

Is it because the fact that I'm about to begin college the day after tomorrow is dawning on me that I suddenly feel this way?

I know, I'd so much wanted to get out of school then, but today, I missed Faris Petra, it felt like home, it felt like family, but I know I couldn't come back to it. My time has passed.

I've been a vegetable for almost 8 months now. All the mere form of information I've been processing are song lyrics that I karaoke to. It's kind of worrying.

Oh, and SEMASA is VERY VERY DISAPPOINTING. I felt responsible for it, but there's nothing I can do about it, but I'm really really sad looking at it.

well, I'm kind of sleepy rright now, I'll update later.

te quiero faris petra. muchas gracias.

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

okayy..berlambak post bulan ni

I've started packing for college!

I have one big bag of clothes. Itu pun ada lagi yang belum cukup. I took out some. Well, I didn't know what to bring, I just put everything I felt like wearing, shortsleeved shirts, long-sleeved t-shirts, blouses, jeans, slacks, tracksuits, I even brought two pairs of my nenek's kurung, because I haven't worn them yet. My tudungs of various colors, brooches. Hangars and clothes pegs. washing stuff, I'm missing a berus and baldi. and cadar. Toiletries. Another smaller bag of stationary, my mum's General Chemistry (God, I hate the typewriter font) and Calculus books (which of course, I tried reading, but I don't really get it), TOEFL textbook, just in case I decide to take it on my own, see how it goes with this ICPU thing first. I also brought my Form 5 Physics and Chemistry notes. I have yet to buy log books which  plan to use during lectures, they're a lot easier to manage compared to lose sheets of paper.

you know, when I was packing for school, it  was a lot easier because you know there are lots of things you couldn't bring. let's say, you wanted to bring your jeans, of course you know the school doesn't allow it, so you throw it out. Then you want to bring your blouse, or a nice tudung, "when will I ever actually get to wear it?" So, you throw that out too. Then, you want to bring your shorts, nah, you can't wear those, "the warden will spank me if ever I were caught dead wearing it" *chucks it out*. Then you want to bring fancy t-shirts, "nah, it's too short and rides up my butt, the warden will kill me for sure" *throws it out*. even if you want to bring a fancy kurung, you tell yourself, "nah, the kids will kebas this." *throws it out*. what are you left with? boring, plain kurungs and uniforms. everything in the bare minimum to keep you clothed according to regulations. voila.

but when there is no dress code. "I gotta bring this, I gotta bring that, heck no, I won't be caught dead wearing the same outfit (okay, no lah, I'm not obsessed to that extent)." The point is, you feel like bringing everything. when I was at school, one pair of shoes was all I had when travelling back and forth from school to home during holidays, because, well, that's all that's allowed, no stillettos, not that I wear those, but am just stating a point. Now, I'm like, okay, I have three sandals, one pair of heels, one pair of selipar jepun and two sneakers, do I bring all of it? Of course, I'm leaving some behind lah, but which one? I think I'm leaving my heels and wedges. now, one or two pairs of sandals?

I open my closet and I gathered all my t-shirts, then, I saw my blouses, God, gotta have those too, so  chucked in all my nterview blouses, I only left the white one at home. Then, I started taking out one or two blouses anad t-shirts. The pants, how many do I exactly need? and the short-sleeved shirts. I haven't counted my items yet, I ALWAYS count them.

I have yet to put in socks. Toothpaste and shampoo comes later. kain sembahyang and sejadah. I want to bring a Quran too. Then when I register, I'm gonna check out the place see if I can sneak in cooking utensils later on. aiyya maa.. pokai lo if everytime eat out. I bet the money comes in around August, by then, I'm going to need spare cash for the books, yeah, I'll probably just buy the photostat ones.

I'm all hyped up packing!

So, not yet done, like I've listed below regarding the borang, the kewangan thingy, the signing and dates, Taylor's(that one I'll need to clarify with JPA) then the sijil full colors.

oh yaaaa... tomorrow am going to Kelantan to pick up my bro, my school mag, say au revoir to my teachers, then come back to KL on the same day, probably sleep in on Friday morning, Saturday register. uwahhhhh...so fast!

so, tonight, am not goingt to get some sleep, because it's GERMANY vs. SPAIN!!!!!!!!

let's see if Paul The Octopus was right.

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

masih berbaki

Things not yet done regarding borang:

1. isi borang kedudukan kewangan.

2. sign and date for surat jawapan, aku janji, Taylor's

3. incomplete Taylor's form (I don't know which subjects to tick. maybe JPA will decide)



Things to buy:

1. cadar

2. baldi?

3. erhhm...barang wanita



Belum buat:

1. hantar salinan surat JPA for PLKN postponement

2. collect sijil Full Colors from SBP.




and.....packing!!!



cis. why la the last three FIFA matches at 2 a.m.??

I've left, but not entirely

I've left
but not entirely.

I keep stealing glances over my shoulder,
only to see through the mist,
vaguely,
and slowly disappearing,
the image of a life I had to leave behind.

Why do i still leave a trail of crumbs?
When I know I am to cross a ravine
and I won't be going back to pick up the trail.

They beckon me to go,
I await a more exciting adventure ahead of me
Yet,
why this reluctance?

My feet takes me away,
and I steal glances backward,
only to see them waving me off on my journey.

Life goes on.
Three simple words.

How can I be happy if I have regrets?
Said one.

I tell myself, no, this is not regret.

Rather,
I just left,
but not entirely.

Monday, July 05, 2010

Multilingual

I've been blogging a lot lately, mentang-mentang nak masuk college. I'm feeling sleepy, I know it's only 10 something.

anyway, I was just thinking about being multilingual. yes, in Malaysia, you're at least bilingual. BM and English.

When I was little, I used to love watching Chinese drama at night on TV2. I think it was usually aired around 9 PM. I remembered a few vaguely, Dragon Love, My Fair Princess and Jewel In The Palace.

I also enjoyed watching Spanish soaps usually aired around 1 PM, 3 PM onwards. La Intrusa, Maria Mercedes, Paula Paulina, Rosalinda, Juana La Viroen, Secreto De Amor, Mis Tres Hermanas, oh and others. Plus, my Ma's got Spanish textbooks lying around, and at that time, Las Ketchup just popped into the music scene.

Then of course, I started watching anime on AXN. Ranma 1/2, Ayashi No Ceres, You Are Under Arrest 2, Gensomaden Sayuki, Rave and all-time favorite Samurai X. My dad's got his Japanese textbooks lying around as well.

Oh and in Form Three, I just discovered the Korean drama, My Girl. It was kind of good, actually, the acting, the music score. So so much better than local drama. pffft! I just don't 'feel it' in local dramas, well, what is there to 'feel' about in the first place?
The person who's really multilingual is my Grandma on my mum's side of course: Mandarin, Cantonese, English, BM, Burmese, and she's currently taking up Arabic classes. I don't know what other languages shse's capable of, but she's got a flair for it, and she easily picks up languages. Oh, and don't mess with her on the Scrabble board. She'll whip your a** in a game.

I used to imagine I was a special agent of some sort, master of five languages and counting, or perhaps I travel everywhere learning cultures and languages. I love learning languages, at Faris, Arabic, French and Japanese was offered. Although I took up Arabic, I do pick up quite a few phrases from Japanese and French. Given if I had not many work to do and more time, Icould have taught myself more.

Despite all those shows and opportunities to learn different foreign languages, well, I am a master of none. Well, probably one, because I don't use it in conversations nor writing; there was never a 'formal' effort to learn it, most of it are just from TV; and studies related to public examinations are more important.
I find it interesting to learn languages and to be able to interchange between many languages.

Okay, sleep is catching up to me now. My sentences seem incoherrent. Oh well, I can edit later. Good night.

Sunday, July 04, 2010

kenapa 'interesting'?

Almaklumlah, saya ini bukannya ahli sangat mengenai sukan bola sepak ini, malahan, baru sahaja dalam bulan ini berkenal-kenalan dengan Messi, Teves, Higuain, Neuer, Ozil, Schwensteiger, Mueller, Podolski, Boateng. Saya baru juga memahami konsep off side. Layakkah saya memberikan komentar mengenai sukan ini? Well, saya menulis bukan untuk impress sesiapa pun, sekadar berkongsi pandangan mata kasar seorang yang buta bola dan ignorant mengenai perkembangan sukan mengenai apa yang dianggap menarik dalam match Argentina vs Germany baru-baru ini.

For one thing, apabila saya menonton match Germany vs. England, nyata, saya jatuh hati dengan cara permainan Germany. Tidak kisahlah pemain England lebih dikenali berbanding pemain Germany pun, saya difahamkan pemain Germany pemain baru lagi muda-muda. Walau bagaimanapun, agility dan kecergasan pemain germany ini sememangnya memikat hati.

Jadinya, walaupun saya sudah sedia maklum, ramai rakan-rakan sekalian menyokong Argentina, well, tidak dinafikan Argentina is one of the best, tetapi saya menyokong Germany bersama-sama ayah saya. Saya sebelum ini hanya melihat Argentina lawan Mexico, itu pun saya tertidur di tengah-tengah match. Yelah, sebagai seorang yang amat amat menghargai masa tidur, saya tidak pernah stay-up sehingga pukul 2 pagi semata-mata bola.

Hati yang sedikit kecewa dengan kekalahan Brazil dengan Netherlands terubat keesokan malamnya. Ternyata match Germany vs Argentina ini antara match paling menarik pernah saya tontoni. Baru saya faham mengapa rakan-rakan menyokong Argentina. They play well. Ball possession lebih memihak pemain Argentina walaupun Germany sudah awal-awal lagi score (strategy agaknya. memang strategy bagus). Bukan mudah merebut bola daripada pemain Argentina ini, dan banyak kali pula pemain-pemain Argentina ini bermain offensive. Malangnya, nasib tidak menyebelahi mereka, dan tiada sebarang jaringan.

Of course, credits kepada goalie Germany. Nyata, pada amatan saya, goalie Germany amatlah bagus. Jika dibandingkan dengan goalie team lain, ternyata lebih menonjol kerana caranya menahan bola. Sungguh accuarate anticipation dia, kesemua bola tendangan pihak lawan memasuki dakapannya. Tidak perlu berdrama dengan gaya terguling-guling dan dan menampar-nampar bola dengan hujung jari.

1st half ternyata kelihatan sengit. Saya sendiri tertanya-tanya. Germany tidak berganjakkah daripada score 1 goal? Ada peluang lagikah Argentina untuk mengejar dan mengalahkan Germany?

Walau bagaimanapun, dalam 2nd half, Germany masih memiliki match tersebut dan menyumbat lagi 3 goal dengan selamba. Germany tidak banyak bermain offensive, tetapi jarang-jarang kali Germany bermain di kawasan Argentina, dapat juga menyumbat.

Argentina sebenarnya banyak menyerang dan banyak juga peluang untuk score, tetapi malangnya, nasib tidak menyebelahi mereka. Si Messi yang diuar-uarkan pemain hebat juga mendapati nasib tidak menyebelahinya pada malam itu. Walaupun saya memang penyokong Germany, ingin juga melihat bagaimana hebat Si Messi ini. Sayang tidak ada satu goal pun.

Apa-apa pun, 4-0 memang satu kekalahan yang teruk, sorry ya, peminat Argentina, bukan merendah-rendahkan team sokongan kamu, don't take it the wrong way, just an expression of what I thought of the game, tetapi game pada malam itu adalah antara yang paling puas hati, menarik dan seronok ditonton. Pertarungan sengit antara dua team yang hebat, especially semasa 1st half. I don't know if to the rest of you it was a good game or not regardless of the results, but this is just what I personally thought, and I thought it was interesting, don't attack me ya. And as a person who is not an avid fan of football, I hardly think my opinions matter. Just chill.

Seterusnya, Germany vs. Spain. Harapnya menarik jugalah.

Saturday, July 03, 2010

Words Say Too Much, Love Comes In Silence

Yes! I have finished Yasmin Ahmad's movie marathon! The only thing I haven't watched is her telemovie Rabun. Before I start on my review, have you noticed I have been posting poems lately? I had my essay streak the other day, now I'm on a poetry streak well due to the fact that I've been coaxing myself that I won't see my essays again. *sob, sob*.

Well, it's actually easier to write an essay, but when inspiration comes, or you just can't seem to express yourself with the correct words, you feel you sentences are too empty, or that you want to say something, but are afraid you'd say too much, poetry is a good outlet to do so.

So, I watched Mukhsin, the last in the Orked trilogy. It is more 'Malay' than the previous ones. However, there is an issue of breaking through the Malay stereotypes. Neighbors who jaga tepi kain orang, little girls playing brides and grooms. The odd one out is Orked because she hates playing brides and grooms and plays with the boys, and her mum who speaks a lot of English. I like the part where Inom pretends to whip Orked. It was hillarious. Seriously. Again a dash of the unconventional. Of course, you saw everything coming, the infatuation, the muddled friendship. I really like the guy who played Mukhsin. Yes, he's cute and he puts on quite a puppy dog face like Eric Bana in The Time-Traveller's Wife. The look of longing and anguish. The ending as expected, remember Jason from Sepet, yep, the ending was a little bit like that. They didn't get to meet. I found myself mumbling, "why-lah always like this, Orked?" Twice too little too late. I like the naration at the end. It wrapped things up pretty nicely and it was saaaaaaaad. I don't like conventional love stories, and I know my friends before this almost nearly wanted to 'murder' me for preferring love stories with sad endings. I don't know, it just makes it seems so much more romantic? Not that I'd want a sad ending of my own, no, but yeah, blame it on schadenfreude for me liking these things.

Then, I watched Talentime. It was odd not seeing a sign of Sharifah Amani in Yasmin's films. And Pamela Chong played the lead, Melur, and she did okay. Melur and her sisters surely speak impeccable English. It was a lot more jiggy than the previous films, like, d-uh, it's centred on a talent competition. Mukhsin dude returns as the guy with the guitar. Aizat gives his singing voice. Of course, Mukhsin dude turns on his puppy dog face again because his mum is dying of cancer. The scene where he sang 'I Go' was really sad. Another beautifully played character is the mute and deaf Mahesh. He didn't say a word, but his face tells everything. The longing, the anguish..ahhh..all those emotions that I adore being acted out really well. Music's really nice! Of course, a better ending for the inter-racial lovers, they seem to have better luck than Orked. Although I do find the sleeping lovers sharing pillow yin-yang thing to be a bit corny.

Lastly, I watched Muallaf. This was damn nice. Lots of English dialog. I just can't seem to understand why this movie was almost banned. I don't see any elements made to lead you astray from your religion. Oh yeah, and the hype over Sharifah Amani bald, the scene didn't even last one minute. I thought they'd film the head-shaving process, I was preparing myself for the horrifying scene of Rohani struggling against her own father and the blade or something, with lots of blood and gore and violence, but none of that! How disappointed I was. (so, the only horrifying scene I've ever seen in a Malay movie for now is the rape scene in Budak Kelantan. Oh my God! I don't ever want to watch that ever again! that scene was menakutkan! meremang bulu roma. Oh my God.) I do find the question of comparative studies rather intriguing.

Overall, I think Yasmin writes a very good script. Nice cinematography and music score, and definitely, the acting is so much better than other Malay movies, although there are a few bits here and there in terms of small, small details that you still find flawed, but yeah, it can be overlooked, considering the message delivered. Watch her movies with an open mind, what you see is an unconventional Malay movie and far from a shallow presentation that lacks substance. There are things you can ponder about life by the end of every movie.

Satisfying.


Sigh. Too bad she left us so soon, I'd wanted more.


Your face says what it says
Your eyes they speak with mine
I know just what it takes
to make you smile awhile
Words they say too much,
Love comes in silence

Friday, July 02, 2010

Ambiguity

Abound by uncertainty
and relentless anxiety;
I look for peace in verses;
Praying it would show me from whithin, a compass

Stuck in this moment
where I sit in silence;
I think about amendments
and hope for an ocean of patience

I can paint a dream
as vivid as it seems
As to whether or not my feet could take me there,
unchallenged by obstacles and boundaries is anybody's guess

A journey of obscurity;
reality and fantasy,
two such different entities
a part of a bigger complexity
fate and destiny

my only weapons now
are my hopes and faith
I could fight, and all my fight's worth
is not mine to decide

In all perplexity of this ambiguity,
the only thing certain
is death
I seek refuge, salvation, peace
in verses holy.

Thursday, July 01, 2010

Taubat

Duduknya bertelut di kaki sejadah,
kelompangan jiwanya makin terasa;
Di manakah letak duduknya dirinya
dalam saujana kurnian-Nya?

Omelan hati kecilnya
menggoncang tiang fikirannya,
mengacah pendiriannya,
mengganggu gugah resolusinya;
Begitu lemah diri insan sahaya

Ratapnya atas kehinaan dirinya;
Jauh rasanya dari rahmat Tuhan;
Kecelaruan antara nafsu dan rasional
semakin mengusut di sudut hati

Lepaskanlah aku dari belenggu ini;
Aku ingin kembali ke pangkuan-Mu,
berdamping dengan-Mu,
membelai kasih-Mu,
mengucup rahmat-Mu,
memeluk redha-Mu,
menatap cahaya-Mu,
sesungguhnya
aku hanyalah hamba-Mu yang kerdil dan lemah.



note: this is a Malay puisi, and is religiously-themed. Only my second Malay poem with a religious theme. I have yet to write English ones in this genre.

Farewell

I wrote this poem during Mr. Dol's (Faris Petra's previous PK HEM who's now headmaster of SMK Kubang Telaga) farewell, but I guess it can apply to all my friends now.


I wouldn't want to give you empty words,
but why does this sentence feel incomplete?
If only you knew just how much it hurts,
to not know when ever again we'll meet.

I wouldn't want to shed cold tears,
when I'd be embracing you
I just want to make it really clear,
when you're gone, I'll be missing you.

What can I do, what can I say?
I wish you well when you're on your way.
May God bless you always.

I Found Self-Written Poems From My 2009 Diary

And I'm posting 'em here! Eh? I keep a diary? Well, those were the blog-less days. It's a good place to write your feelings down when you're feling upset and not wanting to let it out to anyone else. Oh, another eason I had it because I was so busy in 2009, plus secretarial work (har, har. Ironically they chose the person with the ugliest handwriting to do the job!).

Anyway, this one's entitled Awkward.

I tangled my shoelaces
in seven different places
I swear the cat got my tongue
and everybody's asking me "what's wrong?"

I guess it's pretty obvious
How silly I've been lately
The way I'm suddenly self-conscious
When you're hanging around with me

Why does it suddenly feel different?
When all this while we had been friends
now complicated by these stupid feelings
I wish I were dreaming

Did I just tell it to your face?
I've tried my best to keep it all inside
and throw it all away
So we'd be normal as always
Oh my God, I can't believe it.
I hope you're okay with it.

I know it's awkward, I admit it.



I wonder why I wrote this one, but I wrote most my poems during assembly. Well, the prefects sit at the front, and I'd always sit opposing with the principal and the PKs, so I wouldn't want to be caught sleeping, so I made myself busy.

Things I Have To Come To Terms With

Just like the fact that every living thing will die and man propose, God dispose, here are a few more things:

  1. From Teacher Nazlin's facebook status: Truth is, everyone's going to hurt you. You just have to find the ones that are worth suffering for.
  2. Not everything goes 100% according to plan. That is why we can only hope for the best, yet we still prepare ourselves for the worst. Embracing the fact that there is a possibility of something that might go wrong, keeps us on our feet just in case anything bad happens. So, okay, it didn't go according to plan, act on Plan B. Don't destroy yourself.
  3. Sometimes we forget and take things forgranted, and it takes a MAJOR crisis to give us a wake up call to how shitty our attitude has been lately. Other people have feelings too. Too much critiscism in one go is not constructive.
  4. Being mature is about choosing your battles. Acting, talking and deciding appropriately and rationally, and not overruled by emotions. At certain times, yes, it is good to voice out opinions, but not everything is a debate. Sometimes it's better to just shut your mouth than say something to drive your point home at the cost of a friendship or a relationship.
  5. Be the bigger person by apologizing first and admitting your mistakes.
  6. You're not always the hot shot that you think you are.

Yeah, I need these reminders once in a while. I don't want to get delusional and too caught up in my own world. I'm trying my best to be a better person. The number one thing people, regardless of whether or not they've known me for a long time or not, actually hate or notice about me is my BIG FAT EGO. Sometimes, I'm just not aware of myself. Oh, and credits to Izzat for some of the nuggets of wisdom. Once in a while it's good to have friends who openly discuss self-reflection.